Why Some Married Women Aren’t Having Sex: And, I Don’t Blame Them!

Married women aren’t having sex because the only humming motor husbands care about is their own.

 

This is probably not a subject I’m qualified to write about. I was one of those married women who wanted sex but was rejected by my ex. I remember being stunned by my husband’s lack of interest in sex. I went into marriage believing the old stereotype, you know, all men want sex, all the time. Never did I think I’d live that stereotype in reverse.

We all hear stories about wives who grow cold, lack an interest in sex after marriage, and give their husbands something to complain about with their buddies. For me though, there was no one to complain to. My girlfriends envied my marriage. All they wanted was a husband like mine, one who would leave them to hell alone and let them sleep.

I’ll admit to finding their attitudes toward sex puzzling until a recent girl’s trip. My old sorority sisters and I went to Chicago for the weekend. There were nine of us in all and, as always, the talk turned to sex on several occasions.

As I was checking out the butts of attractive men, my girlfriends were complaining about men and how all they wanted was sex. None of us had had sex for months but I was the only one feeling deprived.

I started listening closely, trying to understand why these women had turned into what I thought of as cold fish unable to let loose and enjoy time between the sheets with their men.

Below are a few things I learned about why married women aren’t having sex.

1. They weren’t being listened to, they weren’t being remembered, they weren’t being thanked.

My mind was blown. Some of these women rarely got more than a grunt from their husbands in the evenings after work. These women were living the lives of slaves. They were slaves to their husband’s needs, their children’s needs, keeping the household running, whatever was needed to build and maintain their careers.

In other words, everyone and thing came first. They were low man on the totem pole of their lives. There was no one putting them first, doing for them, listening to them, showing appreciation for them. It turned out, quite a few of my friends had married mouth-breathing Neanderthals who were keeping male privilege and misogyny alive and well in their homes.

2. They were married to boys, not men.

If these husbands weren’t out playing golf on the weekends or taking in a car show, they were camped out on the couch watching sports. Three of my girlfriends not only did all housework but also did all the yard work while their husbands were occupied with fun activities.

I listened to story after story of what my friends and their children did on the weekends alone without their husbands. I listened to how they cooked for their husbands, how they picked up their husband’s socks and dirty underwear and put the kids to bed alone every night while the husband watched television or sat at the computer.

I heard them describe husbands who behaved like another child that needed to be raised instead of men who are helpmates.

My friends are married to men who don’t understand or, have stopped caring that female sexuality begins way before you hit the bed.

3. Rarely did they have time on their own.

All of my girlfriends have full work lives, full responsibility for keeping the home running and doing whatever needed to be done for the children. They have NO time of their own. Not a moment in the day to stop and take a breath, consider themselves and their needs. I would not be able to function if I didn’t have time during the day to rejuvenate and renew. Time to take a deep breath, catch my second wind, and come back swinging.

Out of the nine of us on the trip, it was the first time in years that five had been away from their husbands and children. Sad!

4. All touching had to lead to sex.

Their husband only touched them if they wanted sex. No hand holding for the sake of holding hands. No hug for the sake of hugging. A lot of grabbing and pawing in an attempt to get laid. And getting laid isn’t about connecting with her, it’s about getting his rocks off.

My sweet girlfriends were starved for affection for affection’s sake. A loving kiss or touch that conveyed, “I’m glad you are mine.” Or, “I love the way you feel.” I think this made me saddest of all. Imagine knowing that the only reason your husband touches you is that he wants sex?

5. She is not on his to-do list so, sex is not on her to-do list.

My friends didn’t feel loved, cared for, or taken care of in their marriages. Is it any wonder they had no interest in sex with a man/child whose only concern was getting his own needs met?

6. They’d lost that loving feeling.

For all of them, sex with their husbands was no longer fun. They had become so emotionally disconnected from the men who had vowed to love, honor and cherish them that the desire for sex with that particular man had died on the vine.

I get it, why would any woman want to give that part of herself to a husband who took her role as his wife for granted? Not only in daily life but between the sheets. These husbands wanted sex to relieve their own needs. It was wham, bam, thank you, roll over and go to sleep.

My friends are married to men who don’t understand or, have stopped caring that female sexuality begins way before you hit the bed. There are switches that need to be turned on. It’s a bit like flying a plane. You need to do maintenance or that plane will never get off the ground. To get the plane off the ground there must be proper maintenance before you get into the cockpit. Once in the cockpit, you have to flip the switches and buttons in the right sequences in order to prepare for take-off.

My friend’s husbands were doing no maintenance, flipping all the wrong switches, and pissed because their plane wouldn’t leave the ground.

I left that trip with a new understanding of why some married women aren’t having sex. They’ll get no more judgment from me and, if you’ve ever shamed a woman for refusing her husband sex, you might want to get more insight into why she isn’t feeling all that frisky.