A deadbeat dad, as defined by most states, is a biological father who does not pay child support. There are some tough laws in place to make sure that they pay. In the state I live in, deadbeat dads can even spend time in jail for not paying. What deadbeat dad laws do not enforce is visitation. That is, although they can mandate that you pay for your kids, they do not enforce that a father actually spend time with their kids. This is a very convoluted situation wherein courts are very much in favor of children having relationships with their fathers (whether they are deadbeats or not) but do not enforce them having relationships with them. This conundrum of complications often leaves mothers feeling frustrated, angry and defeated.
As a mother, I believe that the laws for deadbeat dads should be much more stringent and specific to reflect the well-being of children. First, I would redefine a deadbeat dad as a biological father who abandons his children physically, emotionally, and financially. Children are not only a financial obligation as state laws indicate. They are human beings who need to be raised and, yes, their relationship with their father is important, and it shouldn’t be up to mothers alone. I have learned through my own experience that there is no way to make a father be a good one. “Good” is very subjective, but when it comes to raising children, they ideally need both parents willing to work together to make the children feel safe, loved, and most importantly that they are both parents’ first priorities.
Deadbeat dads are not just fathers who do not fulfill their financial obligations. They lie to their children about not being able to visit, they let their children down by choosing new partners’ needs over their own children’s, and most upsetting, children learn from these men that that they are not unconditionally loved. If the men have “something better to do,” “other responsibilities,” and/or are focused on being single and having fun, their kids are pushed aside and this leaves them feeling devalued. Bottom line, the definition of deadbeat dad is a biological father who does not put his children’s needs above their own. When fathers walk away from their family and are unable to co-parent effectively with their children’s needs at the forefront, I consider them a deadbeat dad.
Moreover, what is the point of setting up custody agreements and court ordered visitation if the men don’t have to be accountable for actually seeing the kids? But, if the mother or kids try to alter the schedule based on the kids’s needs for whatever reason (i.e., illness, family events, time with friends) then we are held accountable for not following the custody agreement. This is essentially a double standard. Luckily, in my particular custody agreement with my not soon enough to be ex husband, there is a clause of, “If the Defendant Father and/or the children are unavailable for scheduled visitation then each parent will notify the other accordingly.” This leaves a gray area that he wanted to put in there so that he could take days off as needed to spend with his girlfriend and her children.
However, when I let him know the kids are not available on a certain date, I am told that I am taking his time away. Luckily, due to that one statement, he has no leg to stand on in the court and I just always remind him that he “can’t have it both ways.” The worst part is that he will not reschedule if time is missed (for either his needs or the kids needs) because his schedule is so tight due to his “other responsibilities.” This is the epitome of my definition of a deadbeat dad. They cannot be there when the kids are sick, they don’t drive them to school, they don’t pick them up from school, they spend all their time on the phone, computer or technological devices while they are visiting with them and just don’t give a shit in general. This is so hard for a mother to witness her children go through, but unless there is blatant abuse going on, there is nothing she can do legally. Therefore, I believe a deadbeat dad is a father who has turned his back on his kids to suit his own selfish needs, not just someone who does not pay child support.
So, what can be done? I guess that’s where I am stumped and frustrated. The courts would never allow me to have sole custody because my children’s father is not abusive physically. There is no evidence of drug use, etc. However, he is a narcissistic, selfish human being who, when it comes down to it, doesn’t give a rat’s ass about his first born children. The courts believe that any relationship with their father is a positive one, but I want my kids to have a good father, not a jerk. There’s nothing I can do about that and that is where the court system is failing me. If he doesn’t pay child support though, he could go to jail.
Does anyone else have their own definition of a deadbeat dad? I would love to hear from you.
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My lawyer keeps telling me I have the best divorce settlement she’s ever seen — while the three years and $17,000 it’s cost so far make me skeptical, there is one area that the statement is true: custody. Of our three kids, only one is still a minor and the Family Court Services mediator established the parental timeshare as greater than 95% with mother, less than 5% with father (in California, no less). Hallelujah! I never deal with missed visitation because his girlfriend is more fun, etc. On the other hand, my kids haven’t seen their father in more than three years. I think a deadbeat dad is exactly as you described — a biological father who does not make his children (minor or young adult) the number one priority in his life. That is, at minimum, what most mothers do and get very little credit for.
Hi Susan, Thanks for reading! I would love that custody agreement. However, like you said your kids haven’t seen their dad in 3 years. Ijust don’t know how someone cannot put their children first and never will. Exactly, as mothers that is the minimum we do- put our kids first. It’s not even a question. Thanks again!
I happen to have an opinion from a different angle. A man I once knew was divorced from a narcissistic woman who lied and did horrible things to try and take their son away, including taking him to court routinely with false allegations. Long after their divorce and ex was remarried and pregnant again, he started seeing a girl who was wonderful…at first. She fell in love with his family (she came from a horrible childhood) and “oops! Heehee” became pregnant at about the 3 month mark. She took him to meet her mother in a mental institution. As this girlfriend’s unstable emotions and mental state started to show, he drifted apart from her but supported anything she wanted financially. He broke things off as she got worse. After the baby was born she stalked him and his new girlfriend. After a tantrum, he told her to lose his number because he couldn’t deal with two women playing games. He pays his child support but wants nothing to do with the endless drama she seeks. She still keeps in contact with his family and preys on their sympathies to try to stay in their lives. He tells his family to do what they want but to leave him out of it all. Is this a dead beat? Some might think so. He would rather not be present at all than to see another child live through the hell he has had to live with his son.
Bella, my personal opinion, the guy paying child support doesn’t excuse him from leaving his child with a woman he knows is unstable emotionally. He doesn’t want to deal with her but doesn’t mind knowing he has a child who has to deal with her and without a father’s protection? If the mother is as unstable as he says she is, it would be easy for him to gain custody and give his child a stable environment to live it. So, yes, he is a deadbeat. Maybe even worse.
A deadbeat parent is one who does not fight with every fiber of his/her beaing to his last breath to be a full and equal parent to his/her children.
An emotionally abusive parent is one who fights to prevent their children from having two equally responsible and fully involved parents.
If you do anything to convince and persuade your children that having only one full parent, of the two possible parents, is in any way a tolerable outcome, then you are a bad parent, emotionally abusing an innocent child.
Thank you for describing your ex ‘deadbeat dad’ partner. I have searched the internet but found little or no reference until now to the impossible situation I find myself in. My ex gleefully shirks his responsibilities to see our two boys leaving me to take all the burden and weight of responsibility to bring them up. Of course he still maintains occasional contact but only for a couple of hours at a time or a Saturday afternoon every other month as long as it fits in around his social life. Of course his maintains his financial contribution which he ensures is always paid late and is the minimum he is legally required to contribute but always send expensive gifts at birthdays and Christmas. He delights at seeing me struggle to do everything while he cherry picks being a father. No doubt when the boys are old enough to hang out at things he enjoys he will suddenly want to spend time with them and attempt to buy their affection and loyalty by taking them on expensive holidays and ‘hanging out’ with them as he has done with his daughter from his daughter from an earlier failed relationship. Meanwhile during school holidays while they are young, he “has to work”. Predictable a week or so after they’ve gone back to school he suddenly is able to take two weeks off to go on holiday overseas with his new girlfriend. I have not taken him to court as long n the U.K. I cannot apply for sole parental responsibility and I was advised by my lawyer that I can seek for him to see them less but I cannot insist that he see them more. So my ex loves to see me take all the burden of being a parent while he enjoys all the perks of a bachelor lifestyle with no commitment and the added perk of considering himself ‘a parent’. All this is not to mention the false accusations and lies he continually makes about me, his bullying tactics and the undue emotional strain he continues to try to inflict on me. I spent £1000s on a lawyer who basically advised me to ignore him. There was no point me spending 10,000s of pounds more on going to court to get a parenting plan I cannot enforce. He has no responsibility or commitment to his children past a small financial contribution which doesn’t cover what I spend on food alone each month! The law needs to change, and soon. It’s assumption that it’s better for a child to see a father in any capacity without any standards being required of them as a responsible parent, and leaving the mother to take the strain is leaving single mothers wide open to be exploited by narcissistic self-serving vengeful fathers who deliberately choose to be Disneyland Dads and comfort themselves knowing they are making their ex-suffer, because as good mums we will always put our children first and step up – and they know it and turn it into our Achilles heel.
My ex left me and our daughter for a very wealthy lady who knew all about us when they got together so no surprise that he is a dad , we were not married but had been together 6 years and had our 21/2 year old daughter
Because we weren’t married he was able to take our saving and just walk away but the worst bit was yet to come when he told me his new now wife doesn’t want him to work because if he does he would have to pay extra support to our child , so he sits at home and has for 7-8 years now just to avoid Paying a percentage of his earning to support his child
Telling me that tax credits give me money for her so why should he !!
They have a child who attends private school three homes a villa I am told a house purchased for a million in Surrey and a holiday home in Cornwall that was purchased for 650,000 new cars every year porche Range Rover but he can’t afford to help with school shoes
He has to pay me £18 per week from his army pension which he can’t hide but refuses to help further .
But he did tell my daughter that he sends it for her and got her to ask me where her money was !! I now give it directly to her rather than him imply I am stealing it to feed her .
Last Oct 2018 when our daughter started secondary school he told her he won’t be bothering seeing her again since she had plans when he was in Cornwall even tho it was an unscheduled visit , he never sticks to visitation as agreed by the courts .
Luckily for him his wife is very important a partner in ey ( Ernst young ) so she knows how to work the system & according to the internet is worth billions but would rather her husband didn’t work so he doesn’t have to pay extra support for his daughter
I just can’t believe that someone who is supposed to care can actually destroy his child ( she is now in counselling )
And I have been told to stop telling her that daddy does care because apparently she is not silly and has now realised who he truly is for herself and by me saying he does care and love you I am minimising her pain and confusing her further
So please everyone know that most of us mums try so hard to make even the worst dads seem better , the last thing I ever wanted to tell my daughter is daddy at 44 would rather never work again than support you or that by the time you are eleven he will walk away and tell you he doesn’t want to be bothered by having to visit once every three weeks
It breaks my heart as this beautiful little girls mum I hate to think of the damage they are causing to my daughter
And all to save a few pounds
I guess he is my ultimate definition of a deadbeat dad
I have had two spinal surgeries in the last few years and even tho he doesn’t work and has a huge second home less than 15 miles from me he would not come and take car of our daughter whilst I was in hospital
Apparently he is too busy
It’s a joke but sadly for my daughter the reality is no matter what lengths they need to go to so she goes without they will always go the extra mile .
“However, he is a narcissistic, selfish human being who, when it comes down to it, doesn’t give a rat’s ass about his first born children. The courts believe that any relationship with their father is a positive one, but I want my kids to have a good father, not a jerk. There’s nothing I can do about that and that is where the court system is failing me.”
I have one of these exes you spoke about. It’s devastating and women continue to think that by leaving they are protecting their children. Unless you can PROVE physical abuse toward the children he’s getting some custody. The emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, and financial abuse to me doesn’t matter nor does the continued harassment post divorce. Our system is broken and women and children are suffering under it’s crumbling frame.
Thank you for sharing your story, and allowing me to know that there are people out there in the same predicament. I am constantly being verbally harassed by my ex, who hasn’t consistently visited my son (3). When he has the time, I’m expected to give him the time frame that HE wants, and does not think about the needs of ds first. It’s a lose-lose for moms. The system is broken. Of course this is not true for all divorced situations, but why are dads only responsible for child support? When they get a lower paying job, the obligation to pay is lowered, when they want to visit we are expected to allow that to happen, if we suggest a time we are “minimizing” it. Seriously? How and why is this fair? I believe kids should have a relationship with both parents, but it also should not be a burden on our kids to see them only when it’s conditional of the other parent. I feel like we have no say in how these situations work and it’s very frustrating. For dads who spend years away and one day just show up to spend minimum time with them to do it all over again.
The court always addresses “best interest of children” but is it really in their best interest to see a parent once a year and have to be forced to go alone with someone they may or may not know / want to go with? My therapist who also is a single mom of two children said children grow up and they will see it for themselves. It’s our job to be the best mom we can and nuruture them emotionally and raise them to be good people. I have faith that I don’t have to say a word, and my son will realize when he grows up that dad only comes around when he feels like it and only be the “fun parent.”
How many bitter women out there. So is a father a dead beat for putting his children HE wanted in a family he created before a drunken one night stand off a desperate lying toad that just wanted a child for herself? That then alienates the father because she actually didn’t want him around in the first place ? Is that a dead beat dad is it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thought not. Look at facts not views