Finding that person that makes you want to stay hooked forever is always such a joy. It is absolutely amazing planning your life around such person and looking forward to gray days still alive and in love. Despite the horror stories we hear, some of us still genuinely believe that love exists and marriage is worth it.
Soon as the dust of the wedding clears and the honeymoon phase fizzles out, life can bring situations that stretch us to our very limits. Some of us handle it well while others don’t. What looked like the perfect love story fast becomes a tussle, a struggle between two people who can hardly breathe air from the same space.
Things get from bad to worse and what is left is fist fights and tongue lashes. The one you love has taken another form you cannot reconcile with. Perhaps, it is something you said or did, you apologize sometimes through bloodied eyes hoping for a change but he seems to be far gone.
Still, you keep hope alive. He seems remorseful sometimes, bearing flowers and sorry notes. You really pray it is the end of the abusive trend till he lashes out at you again within a short period of time. You are clueless on what else to do as it starts to look like the black sunshades with the huge frames will always be a part of your daily fashion accessory.
Should I stay or should I go, you ask yourself. How about the children, how about our friends and families? You wonder. Then, it happens again and you tell yourself you deserve better. You pack his things in a bag and leave them on the living room couch. You said to yourself that it was time to pick up the pieces of your life and move on but there is no denying the impact your past will have on your life as you move forward.
Every day becomes a struggle, you engage in the blame game, wondering about what you could have done or should have done. For you to be happy again, it will be a long journey one you must be willing to take because you deserve it.
Below are 5 actions you must take to recover from an abusive marriage:
Tell yourself it is not your fault:
You may catch yourself blaming yourself for not being submissive enough or tolerant enough or whatever reason you may find. This might be a result of things that happened in your life as a child. No matter how loud that voice in your head gets, silence it by reminding yourself you are human and you matter too and deserve better than an abusive marriage.
You may need to work with a therapist who will take you through sessions that will help you deal with whatever underlining issues you may have while you work on building your confidence and esteem.
Know that you are not alone:
There are many women that have walked this path before and are still on the same journey of recovery. Don’t beat yourself up, you will do just fine. You can find a support center around you and be part of a community of people that know exactly where the shoe hurts.
Allow yourself time to heal:
It may seem like it is taking a long time to find yourself again after leaving an abusive marriage but give yourself some credit. You already broke the jinx by leaving. You wouldn’t be ready to date immediately and it may be hard to trust someone else again. The many years that you have endured the torture and heartache meted out by someone you loved will not suddenly vanish in a day. Acknowledge your hurt and embrace your healing process. Everything wouldn’t change in a day but you will be fine in the end. Relax.
Try new things:
You have been unhappy for so long, let your hair down and appreciate the air of freedom that is going through your nostrils. You can finally try all the things that you held yourself back from doing while you were with your ex. Perhaps, it is time you enrolled in that culinary school or you may just try a fresh new cannoli recipe by yourself at home. Life is really short. Do not spend it in regrets.
The coming days in divorce court won’t be easy. You will relive those scary parts of your life as you take the stand in your divorce proceeding. Your ex will manipulate every detail and you may find yourself slipping out of control but you have to be strong. You have come this far, do not let anyone take away the progress you have made. If you start to feel overpowered, talk about it with your therapist.
Whether it’s emotional abuse or physical they both do a hell of a lot of damage. My recovery is still ongoing, I married a control freak and narcissist without my knowing even what that was. When he walked out 3 1/2 years ago from our 36 year marriage I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach, hit over the head witha brick and the floor beneath me gave way.
The best advice is be good to yourself, surround yourself with love from friends and family and you will be able to piut the past behind you or at least tuck it far back. Professional counseling also can help.
The best poem is called “Love after Love” by Derck Walcott
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Best regards to all who are healing