Adult children of divorced parents tend to be the forgotten ones because common wisdom tells us they won’t be as impacted as children by parental divorce.
As divorce rates among adults over 50 continue to climb, many adult children of long-time married parents who divorce may have difficulty dealing with feelings of bewilderment and loss – with few places to turn for advice and support.
In fact, adult children of divorced parents (ACODS) tend to be the forgotten ones because common wisdom tells us they won’t be as impacted as children by parental divorce. However, ACODS may find themselves in plenty of tricky situations that younger children are spared, such as hearing about their parents dating life.
Some ACODS may feel devastated when they hear the news of their parents’ breakup and wonder why they stayed unhappily married for so many years. Kelly, a twenty-eight year old information technology specialist says, “I wish my parents would have split earlier, I lived through years of daily battles and now my mom is middle-aged and having a hard time being alone.”
Even if they are in favor of their parents’ breakup because of chronic unhappiness or abuse, adult kids may be blindsided and grieve the loss of their intact family. Over a sandwich a local café, Justin says “My parents were never happy so their divorce was somewhat expected, but it felt weird to spend holidays in two homes after they split and my mom needed more help with household chores.”
In spite of the fact that the so-called “grey divorce” rate more than doubled between 1990 and 2008, there are few guidelines for adult children dealing with their changing family. Many ACODS experience loyalty conflicts because they feel that they have to pick sides. Even if they don’t take sides, they may feel stressed trying to maintain appropriate boundaries – especially if their parents are angry foes.
Another common concern voiced by the hundreds of ACODS I’ve interviewed for my research is role reversal. They might feel burdened by being their parent’s confidant and feel uncomfortable if they are given too many details about their parents’ feelings about their other parent.
Let’s look at Alexis, whose parents divorced when she was twenty-four years old, getting ready to launch into a teaching career and deciding whether to take the next step and get engaged to her partner Tim. She says, “I don’t feel entitled to grieve publically because my mom is having such a tough time and I feel uncomfortable hearing about her feelings about my dad leaving.”
In a recent movie, A.C.O.D., actor Adam Scott plays Carter, a successful man who decides to revisit a former counselor to make sense of his brother’s wedding and his parents’ extremely messy divorce. When he decides to confront his family about their dysfunctional communication, we witness Carter’s fear of commitment coming to a head with his girlfriend Lauren, played by Mary Elisabeth Winstead. While comedy may exaggerate real-life, this film does an amazing job of highlighting how a high-conflict divorce can result in an ACOD becoming cynical about love and commitment.
According to researcher Paul Amato ACODS have double the risk of divorce, compared to counterparts raised in intact homes. However, author Elisabeth Joy LaMotte believes that experiencing parental divorce can make you a clear-eyed realist and can enhance your chances of achieving a successful, long-term relationship. If you pay attention to the multiple factors that impacted your parent’s sense of happiness and make good choices in romantic partners, you can build healthier relationships for yourself.
The good news is that experiencing your parents’ divorce can make you more careful about whom you choose as a partner as an adult. This can emerge as your signature strength. You understand the fragility of love, yet maintain a healthy respect for commitment in your own life.
Here are some guidelines for adult children who have dealt with their parents separating or divorcing:
- Maintain healthy boundaries. If one or both of your parents is sharing too much personal information or relying too much on you for the support they need to know how you feel. Or, if one parent badmouths the other one, you need to tell them to stop.
- Resist being in the middle between your parents. You can be sympathetic if one or both parents ask you to settle a dispute or expects you to be their counselor or mediator. But saying something like “I’m sorry you’re hurting but I need to stay out of this,” will hopefully communicate the message you desire.
- Express your feelings calmly and clearly. Daughters, in particular, may find themselves feeling emotionally upset by the news of their parents’ split. According to Louann Brizendine M.D., women value emotional expression more than men do and their memory is better for emotional memories due to their amygdala being more activated by emotional nuance.
- Strive to not let your parents’ divorce define your relationship with your parents. Enjoy pleasurable activities together and during those times you might say “Let’s not talk about the divorce right now.”
- Maintain contact with both extended families. If you want to keep your relationship with both of your parents’ families, be clear with your parents that this is your goal. Gary Neuman, author of “The Long Way Home: The Powerful 4-Step Plan for Adult Children of Divorce” says that ACODS may have strong bonds with extended family members because it provides them a sense of family and closeness.
- Stop comparing your romantic relationships with your parents. Attempt to see yourself as capable of learning from the past, rather than repeating it.
- Face your fear of commitment if it exists and embrace the notion that commitment has to be made with some degree of uncertainty. If you wait to make a commitment when you are free of doubts, it will never happen.
- Take your time dating someone and make sure that you’ve known them for at least two years to make a life-long commitment to reduce your risk of divorce.
If you are an adult child of divorce, it’s no longer up to others to help you bounce back from your parents’ divorce. But in order to heal and adjust, you must move out of the place of being a victim and take responsibility for your recovery. It can no longer be about your parents’ attitude or behavior. It’s time for you to create change in your life and move forward.
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This post previously appeared on HuffingtonPost.com
Since I was a child of divorce; had watched numerous people divorce over the years up close and personal, I really believed I could keep it clean and normal when I divorced after 32 years. Take the high road. Little did I know that in his years of cheating, my ex had made his two sons complicit. As teens they were confused (some behaviors made sense after learning this); as adult men they were furious and had felt their father would straighten up and would never risk losing his marriage and family. He did though and I divorced him. Whatever unwritten rule my sons felt they had with their father had been broken and on top of it, they witnessed my pain to some extent in spite of my best efforts to make it all okay, (my role as #1 enabler). Four years later I’m good having started over EVERY aspect of my life at 60-job, home, friends, family, and the decision to be happily alone. My sons continue to be equal parts furious, confused, and disgusted with their father. He married the last cheating partner and she wants nothing to do with the boys so there’s been a complete break between father and sons.Divorce is damaging enough, but you add deception and a form of abuse (I guess of power) it’s devastating.
Hi Janiece, I am sorry that you have endured so much pain and your sons have dealt with estrangement from their father. Thanks for sharing your story with others who may suffer silently. Regards, Terry
My ex was hiding money, had secret accounts and was seeing someone–yet, he sent an email to our adult children listing my “sins” and excusing his own with manipulation. My oldest daughter hasn’t spoken to me for 3 years because of it and now has a child that I’ve never seen. I’ve sent multiple texts asking to speak to her and just letting her know I love and miss her and she’s confused by them and is irritated that I tell her those things. Mother’s Day, my birthday, every holiday I hear nothing from her. My heart is beyond broken because she’s also cut off my entire side of the family. No one really knows what to do with a 29 year with an attitude and unforgiving heart who refuses to have a conversation and continues to be self-righteous. I hurt for my children and I’m enraged at the pain my now ex-husband put them all through with careless words–it was just sickening.
I can understand an adult child’s anger, but to carry on for years and years and to severe relationships is incomprehensible.
My parents “got it right” when they divorced 20 years ago in their early 60s. Us “kids” weren’t put into any difficult situations around loyalty.
Now in the strangest of ironies they are living back in the same town and are probably far better friends than staying together could have let them be…so we are entering a third phase as a family which is completely uncharted