I have a long-standing view that cheating is not forgivable. If you think it’s just words, look up my four rules regarding coach and client relationships. Rule #3 is, I will not try and salvage a relationship where there has been abuse or cheating.
I must believe in what I am doing or I will suck at it. And I would truly suck at trying to keep a couple together when one-half of the couple was down with O.P.P. That’s other people’s property for all of you 90’s music geeks.
I am adamant about my views in this regard and yet I feel deeply for those that have been cheated on and decide stay in the relationship. To lay in the bed of they who have laid in the bed of another has emotional under pinning’s to which I cannot relate.
This is not to suggest that I do not understand, In fact, my last three clients have been cheated on and came to me to get out of their relationship in as clean a way as possible. I’ve also done several focus groups on the matter and the rationale for staying is complicated.
Janine has a four-year-old son, a house, car payments and a donkey of a husband that has stepped out on a number of occasions. Janine knows it and now her husband knows that she knows it. And there we sat, talking through the fear that occupies her mind as she thinks about leaving her husband.
“My son deserves a stable home”, she says as a tear flows down her left cheek. “Neither of us can afford to live alone, there are just too many bills. On top of that, I can’t imagine how we would manage preschool, our own jobs, medical appointments and the like. Time and balance are already a challenge” Janine’s fears are all too familiar, and understandable for that matter. Going deep with Janine, as is the nature of my profession, I asked her the following questions:
- What do you want your son to observe and model as he grows in a young man?
- How important is your heart, your happiness and the time and attention of a man that values you and respects you?
- Could the importance of modeling the right behaviors for your son and a life with that real man make the temporary pain and frustration worth it in the long run?
Erin didn’t respond. Instead, she started crying. It broke my heart and I wanted to rip Doug’s spine out. Instead, I composed myself and asked her a question that both shocked her and made her crack a smile. “When you go to work or to that restaurant with your friends, what about you makes guys eye f**k you and require hankies for their salivation issues?”
While it was nice to see the smile, a verbal response was still lacking. “What made your husband fall in love with you? Your humor? Intellect? Passion?” Her head was nodding a bit and the smile more defined. It was then that I decided to go in for the kill, so to speak. “Do you not think a guy would want to date someone that was intellectual, passionate, funny and had the physical presence that made him foam at the mouth?”
With a raised tone she replied, “of course”, some skepticism still coming through. “So what of that temporary pain and frustration for the long term gain of modeling the right behaviors for your son and finding a real man?”
“I’m sorry, but it’ll happen again. All men cheat, right?”
Hearing Donna say this was like nails on a chalkboard. I could have simply replied, not all men cheat, but she believed what she believed. And hey, I’m a man. Why wouldn’t my response seem like a natural defense mechanism? Instead, I went into pragmatic mode. Women are 50.7 percent of the U.S. population. This means that there are more women than men. So, if men, representing 49.3 percent of the U.S. population all cheat, who do they all cheat with? Women? Wouldn’t this mean that all women cheat too? Or participate in the cheating?
You are not a participant Donna, I know that about you. You have the intellect, the passion, the humor, and kindness. And you have a son that you want to model the right behaviors for. You are not a cheater nor a participant in the game. And neither are all men under the same logic.
So, Janine, Erin, and Donna; can your desire for a stable and well-modeled environment for you and son be achieved by staying in the current relationship you are in? And, does your intellectual, humorous, passionate and kind self-deserve the same traits from a man that, pragmatically speaking, is not likely the same cheating dog that your current beau is?
And hell, how great would it be for you and your new hubby to go on that nice vacation with that nice bikini on the nice beach that has a nice secluded area for you to have nice revenge sex while your mean ex is still figuring out a nice way to repair his warranted dogged reputation?
By now you’ve probably realized that four reasons women do not leave cheater’s are:
- The kids
- Lack of confidence
- IIWII (It is what it is) mentality: Read-All men cheat.
You’re not going to fall in this trap, right?
More from DivorcedMoms
- Are You Cheater Obsessed, Feeling Like No One Cares?
- Hush Little Cheater, I Won’t Say a Word
- Should You Tell On a Cheater? I Wish Some Had Told Me!
- Check Out Your State’s Divorce Resources