Selfish?
That is what came to mind when I read a comment to my first post to DivorcedMoms. The person was very polite and respectful. That person’s comment had me thinking when he or she stated, “I urge you to think about what divorce will mean for your wife. It may be the best course of action for you but, is it for her? I’m not saying that to sway you from making a choice that is right for you. I’m saying it because divorce will impact her as well as you and, like it or not, you have a responsibility to her and how your actions impact her future.”
Am I being selfish for choosing divorce over continuing the 29 year old marriage?
Am I being selfish if my decision hurts my wife?
These very important questions remind me of what Jennifer Weiner said in Fly Away Home, “Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.”
Yes; nobody ever died, but many a person has been hurt by it.
Canadian author Margaret Atwood said it best: “A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you.”
I feel that way right now, and it is still a few days away from my big announcement to my wife. My wife and I have talked about our relationship, but that is all that has been – just talk. Nothing really has changed. It is always some event on the calendar that must pass before we can resolve our differences and problems. “Once we get by those events, everything will be fine,” we always tell each other.
We have been kidding ourselves for years. I feel there is no way to resolve our problems in our marriage. It makes me unhappy, and at times, I am miserable.
My oldest son knows this is true as he told me, “Dad, you have been trying for years. You have changed who you are to accommodate Mom.”
He added that he has picked up on the clues for years that I have been unhappy trying to be someone I am really not. My 26 year old son is spot on.
I want to be happy.
So, what is selfish about me wanting to be happy?
“Sometimes you have to be selfish to be selfless.” ~Edward Albert, American film and television actor
If you want to call me ‘selfish’, you can. But, I know that one has to look out for him-or-herself before they can attend to their spouse. It does, indeed, sound selfish, but if I am not happy and not happy about myself, then there is no way that I can positively contribute to my marriage. It is not fair for one spouse to be miserable and dragging down the other spouse. How good can the marriage be?
Is it selfish to enjoy myself with the woman who is deeply in love with me?
I do not find it selfish to leave my current marriage, and to pursue happiness elsewhere. Somewhere there is a woman who is looking for me.
A former basketball star at UNC Chapel Hill and NBA Great said, “To be successful you have to be selfish, or else you never achieve. And once you get to your highest level, then you have to be unselfish. Stay reachable. Stay in touch. Don’t isolate.”
Michael Jordan is saying that for me to achieve happiness, I have to be selfish with my divorce decision. Once I achieve happiness, I have to be selfless. This means that once I marry that woman somewhere in my future, I need to be giving of myself to her.
As an online female friend and blogger concerning divorce eloquently stated earlier this year, “The grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.” I replied to her that if one’s watering bears no fruit, maybe it’s time to grow a new garden…with dedication. She retweeted my reply.
I have been watering, fertilizing and tending to my marriage for nearly three decades, but a change is in order. My garden is a good example. When I moved in to my house 27 years ago, I planted two dozen roses alongside my driveway. They thrived in the full sun. Pink flowers bloomed everywhere. The plants were very happy. My neighbor planted a pecan tree that is now forty feet tall. My roses were withering in all that shade.
After 24 years, change was in order. I dug up every single rose plant. It saddened me to do it, but it was necessary to find a plant that would be happy in the shade. Now, I have Turks Cap, a native of Texas. It is thriving in the shade, producing lots of beautiful red flowers and drawing hummingbirds to my yard.
The commenter I mentioned at the beginning is absolutely right that I have a responsibility to my wife and how my actions impact her future. This is why I will be upfront and mature about the situation. I will help her take over the utilities accounts, Netflix, etc. so that she can transition to her new life with the least amount of obstacles. The legwork has all been done by me. It is the least that I can do, especially since I am being selfish.
And for what we have accumulated through the years, she can have most of it. My feeling is that material goods do not bring happiness. It is being with a person you love in an atmosphere that is conducive to growth in oneself and with the relationship. Happiness follows thus there is no selfishness…just selfless love.
It isn’t selfish to want to be happy in life. It is selfish to bring another woman into the picture before you have divorced. And, I’d bet all my money that there is another woman in this story somewhere. Go and grow your “new garden” but I’d like to suggest you talk to several men who have left long term marriages for another woman. Educate yourself about the success rate and happiness in those new gardens. You probably won’t like what you hear.
Bingo!! He wouldn’t even be thinking about divorce if there wasn’t some honey waiting for him. Men, you can’t live with them, it’s illegal to shoot them. And how sweet is he to help her learn how to pay the utilities and use the netflix account. Wonder if he is prepared to face the obsticle of alimony?
Changing who you are to accomodate someone else or trying to be someone else can, in no way, be considered, “watering your garden.” Not being your authentic self is the death knell to any marriage. If that is the way you lived inside your marriage you’ve been killing it from day one. If you go into your next relationship not being truly authentic it will suffer the same fate as your marriage. In other words, your marriage isn’t the problem. The problem is how you CHOSE to live inside your marriage.
A great point, Cathy. I think a lot of us men do this. We change for the wife and marriage and end up miserable after 25 years. I did it and had to own it when I walked away from my marriage. I wanted to blame her but it was all about me. I just couldn’t be vulnerable and let her see the real me. It’s been 3 years since my divorce was final. She has remarried and I’m in a good relationship. I wouldn’t be if I hadn’t done some work on myself first. Funny thing is, my ex likes me better now than she did when we were married and I like myself a hell of a lot better.
Do you know the defintion of the word sefless? “Having or showing great concern for other people and little or no concern for yourself.” I don’t think your move toward divorce has anything to do with how selfish or selfless you are being. Divorce is never a selfless action, it is nearly always about someone putting their needs before the needs of others. It sounds like you don’t plan to be selfish but I do think you need to stop fooling yourself by thinking all you need to be “happy” is a divorce. Just ask anyone who has been through a divorce, happiness is not what waits on the other end. It will take many, many months of emotional recovery for you and your wife to feel comfortable in the new normal your divorce will create.
Dude, I’ve just got one thing to say to you. Stop talking about your bad marriage to those kids. Down where I come from that dog don’t hunt. You are divorcing their mother not them, keep them out of the middle of it.
Bottom line, when you choose to supress who you really are just to keep the peace with your spouse, it is not a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when’ the marriage will dissolve. Congratulations Dan on having the courage to call your marriage what it is, a sham. It is not a failure. It had its place in time and now that time has passed. Let’s face it folks, few marriages that do last ’till death do us part’ are truly ‘happy’ marriages.
Dan I wish you the best. A lot less judgment and a little more understanding that everyone’s story is different and deserves to be told would do us all a lot of good. Let the man say how he feels. Divorce is inherently selfish but odds are his “selfish” act will free the two of them from a marriage that was benefiting no one. Sometimes you have to know when to say when. His honesty shouldn’t be met with so much criticism. Pretty sure none of us lived his marriage and have no idea what he was up against. It’s good to hear from a mans point of view in this. Thank you Dan and good luck.
Man, this jerk can really write a self-justification can’t he? Why didn’t he leave his poor wife years ago and allowed her some happiness, because I bet she stayed because he needed her and made her feel bad for wanting out.
For sure he found some poaching female and now wants “real happiness.” Good luck with that. I hope the wife took him to the cleaners.
Yes! The novelty of the ‘new woman’ will wear off very quickly. Hopefully, the wife has moved on by that time.
Dan: You need help. I’m being serious. Your writing clearly shows that you have serious issues away from which you’re trying to run. You compare your decades-long marriage to planting bushes. You take marriage advice from an actor. You equate married life to a basketball game. Seriously? I initially thought that your articles were actually jokes. Your wife could be a horrible person; we obviously don’t know. That wouldn’t give you the right to destroy her life now, though. Based on your egotistical, selfish (yes, you’re right about that) excuse-making, I don’t know that anyone could presume, though, that it was your wife who was at fault. Please: Get help. Fix your marriage. Stop being a child.
“As an online female friend and blogger concerning divorce eloquently stated earlier this year, “The grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.” I replied to her that if one’s watering bears no fruit, maybe it’s time to grow a new garden…with dedication.”
You are so full of nonsense. If you can’t stay and rededicate yourself to your first wife, you will never be capable of dedicating yourself to the second because dedication means just that, not leaving, working out your issues, loving your current wife with dedication. You’ve already got one foot out the door and you are saying dedication is what makes a marriage work. Well, you should see right there that you are watering your new garden with piss.
Dan, this is 2016 and I am curious about your new garden and new relationship. How is it growing?
I too, would like to know.
“Is it selfish to enjoy myself with the woman who is deeply in love with me?”
You’re entire article is just your attempt at justifying your own affair. Yes, you are extremely selfish. You could have worked on your marriage together with your wife, instead of coming up with excuses to leave it for your affair. There was a reason you were together with your wife for 29 years, so stop pretending like you suddenly aren’t compatible when you simply want to be with someone new.
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