If women didn’t put up with domestic violence, there would be no domestic violence.
I don’t expect this article to be popular, especially with women who have been victims of domestic abuse. My mother used to say something I didn’t understand until I had become a victim myself. She would say, “If a woman stays after being beaten by a man, she is just as responsible as the man beating her. It was those words that reverberated through my brain the day my ex punched me in the face and, it was those words that spurred me into action and getting myself as far away from him as I possibly could. I knew that if I stayed he would punch me again and by staying I would be giving him implied permission to do so.
Domestic Violence comes in many forms. The abuser can be physically aggressive, emotional cruel or verbally sadistic. I once had a therapist tell me that 20% of all marriages are “inflicted” with some form of domestic violence.
What is domestic violence? You would think there would be no need for such a question, that the answer would be obvious. Those subjected to long-term domestic violence have such low self-esteem they don’t trust their own judgment. They need someone else to tell them what most of us can clearly see.
And that is the problem, the fact that those being abused deny it in the beginning and to the point of not even recognizing themselves that they are being abused. That is what gives the abuser his/her power…the willingness of the victim to stay instead of leave at the first sign of abuse.
It is my belief that people who are abused allow themselves to be abused and the only way to break free from an abuser is to take responsibility for staying when they should have left. If people didn’t put up with domestic violence, there would be no domestic violence.
My first marriage lasted nine months. It ended the day he punched me in the face. I had no car, no money but I did have someone willing to drive ten hours, pick me up and get me to safety. I left that marriage with the clothes on my back and what I could get in a suitcase. When I left I was running toward nothing. But that nothing looked better than what I would have had to accept from my husband and about myself if I had chosen to stay.
If you are a victim of domestic abuse you have choices. You can:
- Point out to your spouse when you feel he/she is being abusive.
- Set firm boundaries about how you will be treated and stand your ground.
- Leave if your spouse is not willing to admit to a problem and seek help.
You may find it easier to stay and try to break the cycle of violence. You may believe that reason and logic will change the abuser. You may feel it only fair that you give the abuser a second chance. You may believe that deep down the abuser’s intentions are good, that he/she doesn’t mean to hurt you.
Or, you may not be quite ready to emotionally accept something so incomprehensible as the person you love wants to do you physical and emotional harm.
Whatever your reason for staying you may feel it worth making the effort to save your marriage. There are times when an abuser recognizes that his/her abusive behavior no longer gets the reaction he/she wishes. That can spur the abuser to change. But, it’s very unlikely!
Please be aware though, if you stay and the abuse continues not only does the abuser have issues, you do also. An abuser will not have to deal with his/her “issues” until you no longer allow yourself to be abused.
If you do choose to stay and “fix” the problems I suggest you try the following:
- Talk in specific detail about the abuse with the abuser.
- Set boundaries for what is and isn’t appropriate treatment of you by the abuser.
- Give the abuser a time limit to change. Tell the abuser you expect him/her to enter treatment within a certain time frame and if there are no changes in the abusive behavior you will leave.
- Abusers use words to try and win their victims back. Pay attention to behaviors, not words. Be aware at all times of how the abuser is acting toward you, not to the sweet words they are saying to you.
- If the abuse doesn’t stop, leave.
In my case, one punch in the nose was enough of a reality adjustment for me to say to myself, “I won’t give him the opportunity to do that to me again.” If I had not left I would have become as responsible as him and I wasn’t willing to take on that responsibility.
This is irresponsible and while you might have had the agency to leave to suggest that everyone does is incredibly self focused. Yay for you but to call out other women for not leaving is victim blaming. The only person responsible for abuse it there abuser
I can’t even believe what I am reading
There is so much so would like to say too much to write here
It’s people like you that keep victim blaming alive and well
This belief system does so much damage
This website is getting more and more stupid and scary. There are more and more inflammatory articles aimed it seems at provoking debates and arguments. They’re probably more after advertising dollars because they sure are not helping divorced moms or women in general. This nonsense and others published recently iate unacceptable and irresponsible. The women you are talking about in such cavalier ways ARE victims but the shame and guilt you assign them will never help them get out of their situations, quite the contrary. Shame on you Cathy Meyers for allowing this.
Those are harsh words, Mary. You say there are more and more inflammatory articles being published to DivorcedMoms. Do you mind sharing the titles or links to those articles? I’m one of the women being talked about in this article and there is nothing cavalier about the way they are being addressed. My first marriage lasted 9 months. It ended the second time he hit me. I lived 10 hours away from any friends or family when he decided to raise his hand to me again. I left and took a Trailways bus home. I left everything behind except what I could get in a suitcase. I divorced him and never saw him again. I published this article because I related to it. I also published it because I knew there were women out there who needed to know they have the ability to leave. They don’t have to stay and any woman with the means needs to be encouraged to get out. I’m sorry you find that irresponsible but I find it solid advice.
Cathy, physical abuse is usually accompanied by verbal, mental, psychological and financial abuse. It sounds like yours was a situation where it wasn”t or it wasn’t as bad for some? If believe she is nothing without him. If psychological he has systematically isolated her and removed all support she could tap into or go to. If financial she has NO money or means to support her or her children.
Look at Elizabeth Smart. She “could have left” her captors for months before she finally did…was she responsible for the abuse up until then?
Have you heard of “trauma bonding”? What are your thoughts on that in regards to an abuser and his victim?
I was abused in every way BUT physically UNTIL I left my husband. THEN he violently raped me (twice…I lifted the p.f.a after the first one to deal with the switch off of our kids). People didnt believe me bc I chose not to prosecute..meanwhile I couldn’t send him to jail as I desperately needed his child support to feed our kids, plus many still don’t believe a husband can rape his own wife.
I understand your goal was to empower women by publicizing this but reading the reaction I think that missed the mark. Its honestly opinions like the one in the article that blame women for staying…I feel the only fans of this opinion is the women who left after the “first” hit or narccicist abusers themselves.
Suzy Mac
p.s You left the *second* time he hit you…what if someone questioned why you didn’t leave the first?
Suzy, what would I say if someone questioned why I didn’t leave the first time he hit me? I’d say they were right to question it. I should have broken up with him the first time he hit me. Instead, I made excuses for him. After we married we moved 800 miles away from my family and friends and he isolated me. He isolated me with his 3 children from a previous marriage. He withheld money from me. He had me doing mental gymnastics trying to keep up with him and what was expected of me. When he hit me the second time I knew it would become a pattern and I wasn’t going to hang around for that. I had been manipulated but I was a grown woman, not a 14-year-old girl like Elizabeth Smart who would be a hell of a lot easier to use terror tactics on. Here is what I know today, at some point, we become the victim of our own choices instead of the victim of someone else’s behavior. The longer someone makes the choice to stay the longer they play a role in the abuse being dealt to them. I can’t empower women by telling them that they have no choice but to stay because they’ve been isolated, manipulated and financially abused. There are too many resources for abused women in this country for any woman to ever make the decision to stay. Every woman should be told..the first time he hits you, makes you doubt your own sanity, financially abuses you…get out! Loving someone comes second to our own safety. I know a woman now who is falling apart because her husband has filed for divorce. She wants to save the marriage. A couple of weeks ago he was arrested and thrown in jail for hitting and shoving her while she is pregnant. But, according to her, she “loves” him and he can change. How did we get to a point that women are willing to accept that kind of treatment? How did we get to the point that all women don’t know their value and what is and isn’t acceptable treatment by a man?
Is there no room for one formerly abused person to share her experience, how she dealt with it to keep herself safe and her opinions/suggestions as to what to do? Can we acknowledge that what she did worked for her and that there is a possibility that it may work for others?
If this was written on paper, I would burn this article!
Boo, why don’t you print it out and burn it if you’re so offended by different perspectives.
I am working to get out of a 29-year verbally abusive “marriage’. I don’t even feel like I was married. I didn’t have any happiness from him. I love my children very much. It took me years and reading the books of Patricia Evans about 7 times before I could understand where the problem was. I never thought of my growing up family as dysfunctional. It was all I knew so I thought it was normal. I married someone like my father. What a cliche. I used to say to myself, “If I just kill myself (with effort) everthing will get better. Well it didn’t get better, it got worse. But I am working to get out now. My children are in fairly good places so I don’t have to worry about them as much. Yeah blaming the victim is what the perpetrator does, I don’t think it serves a good purpose to blame victims. It is a lot easier to get into a marriage than out of one.
As someone who has been in both healthy and abusive relationships I found myself laughing while reading this article:
Talk to the abuser about the abuse?? He thinks its justified, so what would that do? Set boundaries and limits? The abuser pushed past them by committing the acts of abuse; no woman signs up for this. Give them a time limit to change? A person only changes when the consequences outweigh the benefits for THEMSELVES, by being abusive they demonstrated they dont care about the consequences their actions have for their *partners*..so why would they change?
It seems this is a bragging article and defense by women who deemed themselves smarter and tougher than most..who left after the “first punch”, as opposed to “letting it happen” and staying.
I will be watching for the next article in the series: “How to Prevent Getting Raped” which Im sure will have valuable tips on what to wear, what to ingest and how to act in order to not “deserve” such a crime.
You had money forca bus ticket and the article had a friend willing to help her get out. Not every woman does.
In my case, i did try to leave but he had friends and neighbors convinced I was mentally ill and they were “helping” him “protect” me. When they saw me loading my rented vehicle they called him at work. He knew every place I would go, everyone to have watched so he could follow them to me. It took four years to leave. He still sends holiday cards and “anniversary” cards just to show me he will always know where I am, and can get my address.
Restraining orders are a joke. They arejust a pieceof paper. Since our divorce – now almost 20 years ago -he has had five broken engagements and was arrested for stalking another woman.He got probation for the stalking case despite multiple violations of the PPO. Like me, she lives in fear.
But it is our fault we stayed. We should have left. There are “always” red flags and we should have seen them and not married the guy. Never mind that an abuser does not come with a warning tag!
“If nobody put up with domestic violence there would be no domesticviolnce”??? TELL THAT TO THE THOUSANDS WHO LEFT BUT WERE KILLED ANYWAY!!!
You are ten times more likely to be killed AFTER you leave. People have moved out, gotten divorces, filed charges,gotten restraining orders. They did it right.They did everything they were “supposed” to. They werekilled afterthey did those things.You just spit on their graves.
And according to you, people who did leave but were killed anyway are responsible for their own choice to get involved with an abuser in the first place?
I suspectyou arei reality an abuser and not a victim at all. If you were you would kno weare more likely to be killed after we leave.
Victim blaming doesnothing but take the focus off where it belongs: on the abuser