My Dear Divorced Moms,
My heart is as heavy for you as it is for me. Not only have you had to suffer through the loss of your relationship, but now you must determine your and your children’s future over maybe a three-hour mediation and face the long-term consequences of these quick decisions.
The caring for children while healing. The worry about their well-being. The constant waves of grief. And the anger. And now you must plan while in this anxious state. Oh, the stress of it all.
Divorce: Do Not Do What I Did
Do not do what I did. My focus became the custody of the children and all the parenting plan details – not the finances.
While I researched and hired one of the best lawyers I could afford, the realistic economic outlook for my life after was a blip on the horizon.
I did find articles on how to plan financially after a divorce as a stay-at-home mother. I did advocate for him to keep paying the children’s insurance and acquire a life insurance policy to secure his child support payments if anything happened to him (note – this was not a suggestion from a lawyer but something I read about online from another divorced mother).
In the state where we divorced, it is 50/50 everything – parenting time, medical bills, private tuition, and extra-curricular activities. I thought I understood what this meant.
The words from a former acquaintance after his divorce echoed in my head: “She calls herself a feminist but still wants me to take care of her after the divorce. We don’t have kids. We weren’t married that long.”
I would not be like her. Ah, my feminist pride.
I also remember hearing others talk about that same divorcee’s recent vacation pictures on social media as her “alimony adventures,” as if to suggest her financial decisions post-divorce were still tied to how much he had to, unfortunately, pay to her.
My Divorce was Seen as “Equitable.”
My divorce was seen as “equitable” because the sale of our businesses and properties was split 50/50.
This is a limited perception. The profits went to pay off my house, and the rest went into a retirement account.
Yes, I am highly abundant in some ways. However, long term, I am distraught.
While I do wholeheartedly believe in the capabilities of women to work, to find meaningful, decently paid work while allowing flexibility for caregiving as a single mom is vastly limited.
I am a highly educated woman. I hold a Master’s degree and a certificate in Women’s Studies. Before staying at home after the birth of my first child, I was an adjunct English professor. And before that, I taught high school English full-time.
Educational professions are still highly gendered, meaning a career that is mostly dominated by females, which further means they are generally underpaid. There are not many opportunities without constant professional development demands (that require late nights, and weekend classes) to achieve, once again, limited roles and salaries for upward mobility.
This is important because although teaching provides flexibility like time off in summer, the disparity between a teacher’s salary and, let’s say, a CEO’s salary is massive.
Earning Power Should be a Factor in Settlement Negotiations
Nevertheless, instead of proclaiming an arbitrary rule of 50/50 in all finances, earning power should be a determining factor for financial decisions. If our main concern is the care of the children, then this idea isn’t shocking or anti-feminist.
So, I advise you: please look ahead. Pay attention to your financial future. Do not depend on lawyers to explain and advocate for your family’s needs. You must be discerning on this issue. You absolutely can ask for a different ratio.
Pay Attention to Your Financial Future
Frustratingly, this is something we as women must battle for instead of it being recognized innately by our exes and the courts.
If you were a stay-at-home mother for years before the divorce, your financial future is even more imperative.
The outlook that providing spousal support for half the amount of years you were married may look fair in the beginning. But the long-term view is clearly lacking.
I have applied to 127 various jobs in three years. I have tutored on the side. I have piecemealed adjunct positions, all the while being asked to pay half of private school education, medical bills, and other emergencies.
Perhaps you may have requested for the children to move schools or asked your ex to pay more tuition and then were told this was a clear manipulation tactic, that you were leveraging how much he cares about the children to make him pay for it, so you didn’t have to.
And let’s say perhaps your ex has a different “lifestyle” than you. Perhaps they drive luxury sports cars, or just built a new home, or have a house manager who does laundry and cooks and cleans, i.e., they have more than enough to provide a level of care for your children that you no longer can, a level they expect to be the norm.
Well, what is equitable here for all involved?
When does this get seen as an issue of earning power instead of an issue of revenge?
When does this become an issue based on seeing what each parent truly values instead of the well-being of their children?
When does this asking to look at finances differently stop being seen as highlighting excuses and victimhood instead of illuminating very real financial concerns for our children’s futures?
The economic warfare between divorced parents must cease.
The earning power of both parents must be a determining factor in the equality of the dissolution of marriage and the support of the children forward.
My retirement investment portfolio has substantially decreased in this post-covid economy. Teaching positions are few but have overwhelming numbers of applicants. Scouring the country to find a full-time professor job takes my children away from their dad. This is my reality. I wish I would not have been so short-sighted.
Stay-at-Home Mothers are Disadvantaged
But let me be clear – I do not believe stay-at-home mothers are financial victims.
Yes, systematically, we are disadvantaged (lower-waged careers, being the primary caregiver, breaks in work history seen as a negative, etc.)
But part of this is our own lack of financial knowledge and giving away our power as independent actors once married. We defer all financial decisions to our husbands. When half of the marriages end in divorce, we are clearly setting ourselves up for economic peril.
We have power by recognizing our part in the situation. Let me remind you; I said part. This is not all our fault. I am not victim-blaming here. I am looking for ways to support solutions to these issues.
But we have failed ourselves by failing to learn we have control from the beginning. We have control over the outcomes by what we advocate for in our divorce.
And I know I am giving you yet another concern on your already full plate. I hate that for us. And I recognize here I am asking us, women, to keep demanding we should be seen and heard, and understood in a world that doesn’t always do that.
Not only should long-term earning power be considered in divorce, but we must become soldiers in our personal war, developing financial due diligence as women.
We must learn. We must speak. We must advocate. We must. We absolutely must.
And I’m sorry, honey. Lots of work to still do. The only thing I can offer you to lighten the load is community. I’m here. I am hearing you. I am seeing you. I am understanding you.
In solidarity,
Emily
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