Blaming it all on him keeps you from healing either your marriage or yourself after divorce.
When I was married the first time, I was the word that rhymes with witch. I really wish I could come up with a better word, but that sums it up. Now, not all of the time, of course. But I was controlling. I was a nag. I was a codependent enabler who both lived in denial and laid out guidelines that I didn’t enforce. My predominant emotions – in my then husband’s presence – were deep sadness, loud anger, profound disappointment, and utter disapproval. (I was a joy to be around, you can imagine.)
Had you asked me while in my marriage if that were the case, I would not have agreed with that assessment. Because I was in pain. And pain tends to skew our perceptions.
But I wonder, do you think about your marriage and your husband or soon-to-be-ex-husband and what he’s doing to you often? And by often, I mean, all the time? More than anything else? When you’re falling asleep, in the middle of the night, when you’re in the shower when you’re putting on make-up when you’re running errands when you’re driving? If so, there is a chance that you are obsessed with your hard marriage or your ex-husband and you have made it (or him) an idol.
So, this is a gentle warning to those of you who are living in the daily stress of a difficult marriage and to those of you who are newly separated or freshly divorced.
Shift your perspective.
Your entire life is not defined by your marriage or your divorce. It shouldn’t be. Just like your entire life shouldn’t be defined by your job or by being a parent, it shouldn’t be defined by one role or one circumstance, though I completely understand the tendency to do so as you’re trying to untangle your marriage knots (all on your own, more than likely) and as you’re trying to grieve and recover. It can feel all-consuming but you are not your marriage, you are not your divorce.
Be grateful for the good things in your life.
There are good things in your life. You woke up today. Every day may not be a good day, but every single day is a gift. Make a list of what you are grateful for every single day, and start watching gratitude and joy and delight begin to resurface in your life.
Own your part in the problems.
There are people who over-own their problems – “Everything is my fault!” and “I’m a horrible person!” – and there are people who under-own their problems – “He did this to me!” and “I’m only in this situation, this amount of pain, because of her!”. But the healthy balance is realizing that others have done things to us, that we have done things to ourselves, and that we have done things to others too.
We want to be people who fully realize that where we’re at in life is in part due to others and ourselves, not solely one or the other. And one of the greatest things I can share with you is that when I finally began to look at my part in the downfall in my marriage, my healing truly began.
This may be difficult to swallow but you must, and I mean MUST, stop blaming your husband or ex-husband (EVEN if he is an abuser; EVEN if he is an addict; EVEN if he is an adulterer; EVEN if he is an abandoner). Your husband or ex-husband may be hurting you, deeply, on a regular basis, and I get that. (Oh, my lands, I GET THAT, and I am so very sorry.) But he is not 100% to blame for the state of your marriage or the post-marriage circumstances you find yourself in. There are two of you. And you are a grown woman.
So, do the hard work of looking at your own heart and your own actions.
Are there things you can change in yourself?
Are there phrases you can stop saying that you know set off your husband?
Are their actions you can tweak? Is there a support group or a counselor you can try?
Sidenote: I am not trying to be harsh with your fragile heart. If your marriage just recently imploded, I am not suggesting you dive into figuring out everything you did wrong this very minute. Being mad and sad and shocked and even a bit stuck in your pain is all part of the process of grieving and healing. I, of course, want you to show yourself grace during this season. But if your marriage has been in your rearview mirror for months – or even years – and you have yet to take a look at your role in its demise, it’s more than time for you to do so, for your own sake and for the sake of your future relationships.
I hear hard stories all day every day about women in marriages that are soul-crushing and heart-consuming. I used to be in one just like that, so they resonate with me deeply. And I believe these women. And I know that their pain is very, very real. So, when I say what I’m saying, I am saying it from a place of “been there, done that.”
But a lot of times I hear one complaint after another. And the fingers are almost always pointing outward. Every husband or ex-husband is the bad guy (and not just the bad guy, but a jerk, an idiot, an ass!); and every wife is the victim. But that just isn’t reality. It can’t possibly be reality. All men are not hurtful idiots and all women aren’t doormat martyrs across the board. Being a hurt-er is not gender specific.
Listen, I understand that you are hurting. I understand that you may be doing everything you can think of to fix your marriage or to heal through your divorce. I even understand that you may feel trapped, or hopeless, or think there is nothing more you can do, that you are doing everything right, and that feel your husband or ex-husband is just evil or sick or what-have-you.
I know. So, I say this as gently as I know how to say it: you and your husband own equal shares in your marriage. And you and your ex-husband own equal shares in your divorce.
If you feel like your marriage is the same as it was a year ago or five years ago, or it’s getting worse, then you need to make some changes. If you feel like you’re just not getting over your divorce, you don’t have to stay stuck forever. And it can start with this: stop blaming, because blaming never, ever made anything better. And then ask yourself what’s next. Ask yourself what you can do. And remind yourself who you are: loved.
I think it’s important to note that Elisabeth is not a licensed or certified therapist and has no degree in counseling. She is simply a divorced woman speaking from her own experience. So please take with a grain of salt what she is saying. For some marriages, it IS 100% the spouse’s fault. In abusive marriages, one spouse can be nearly perfect and the other will still abuse, malign, gaslight, cheat, and lie. Elisabeth asks, “Are there phrases you can stop saying that you know set off your husband?” If she had any counseling experience, she would know that this is a horrible question to ask an abused woman. No, there is NOTHING you did to deserve being screamed at, pushed, punched, or worse. There is NOTHING you did to be lied to, cheated on, or gaslighted.
Elisabeth seems to think that part of the healing process means to take responsibility for what you did wrong in your marriage. Maybe, as she admitted, she was a *itch in her marriage, but not all of us were. To heal you need to understand WHAT you’re healing from. In order to do that, you need to get out of the fog you were living in, and understand your ex’s personality disorder, the lies and distortions he said about you that you believed, and start relearning who you are.
Thank you Kathy! That is a very insightful reply. Elizabeth’s claim that each spouse is equally responsible for their divorce is breathtakingly inaccurate and oft-quoted by adulterers, their family and friends with the old saying, “It takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to break a marriage.” It will never cease to amaze me that those claiming to “take responsibility for their part in the failure of their marriage” are most willing to lessen their guilt by insisting everyone else is equally to blame in their own divorce situation.
I doubt it was intended or directed at abused women and I feel that too many articles these days need the “abuse disclaimer” and they really shouldn’t. The abuse disclaimer should be assumed in most articles, particularly articles on this site.
With that said, I think she’s correct 100%. I think we all carry a part in a demise of a marriage ,and even sometimes when a spouse cheats we still have some responsibility (not always, some spouses would cheat even when happy with the marriage).
When we’re in pain or we’re angry and hurt we want to blame others for how we feel. It’s easier than looking inward to see what we did to bring us to a point that our marriages have fallen apart.
As she states in the article, not all men are the bad guys, or jerks or whatever adjective you want to describe them as.
For example, my ex who left me blamed me entirely for her unhappiness. She used to complain about me to some of our mutual friends. About a year after our separation I was hanging out with some friends of ours (more hers than mine as they were her friends prior to us meeting) and I was told that my ex blamed me. They also told me that they realised that in some cases it was just her being an unhappy person in general as my ex’s happiness had not changed. She was still miserable and it was still everything else’s fault.
I know there were things I did in the relationship that led her and I to divorce, but I know there were things she also did. We cannot blame the other spouse for all of our problems, and barring abuse, if you do put blame on your ex 100% you are just being a victim.
I absolutely know, 4 years post-divorce that I did contribute to my divorce. I married a cheating, lying, emotional manipulating womanizing drug/alcohol addict. I was an idiot who ignored red flags and the pain he caused our children, our bank account, my heart and soul, as well as the physical issues, are my responsibility for being an enabler. and if I had thought more of myself no one could have treated me the way he did. I have learned many things 4 years later including how to forgive myself. He, I do not forgive, nor hate, nor like, or anything; he’s nothing but a blank space. I think the article above reflects the views of a woman who has moved on, probably has a new relationship and is waving the white flag. Good for her.
Cheating is the choice of the cheater. Period. Once that happens, anything that was wrong with the marriage before pales in comparison to the nuclear bomb that has just been detonated.
There is no equal wrong doing once someone unilaterally makes a decision to put your health, finances and your children’s future at risk. Adults have choices. Adults can speak up if they are unhappy and either seek to work together to fix what is wrong or leave the union honestly. And for the record, honestly means before a third party is brought into the relationship.
Anything shy of that and the dissolution of the marriage is absolutely owned in it’s entirety by the cheating spouse. I am of the firm belief that cheating is emotional abuse and if they expose you to sexually transmitted diseases, physical abuse. Abuse is never anyone else’s fault except the abuser.
I take responsibility for my life after my divorce and I don’t blame my ex for anything after I signed on that dotted line in court, but the cheating and the end of our 27 year marriage? Yeah that’s all on him.
I feel like even though my ex cheated on me while I was recovering from breast cancer, I own the problems prior to that. I know my part. It has taken me years to recover from the brutality of my 22year marriage ending. He married her shortly after our divorce was final. I struggle at the holidays. My children are 23 and 19 and I really feel like he shouldn’t have a say when he sees them. I should get to choose he had a new family they are my life. I have not remarried. I didn’t give up on our marriage. He left our marriage he should have to deal with oh the consequences. I am a rational person and I have moved on and forward in my life but this holiday thing rears it’s head and I wonder why should I have to deal with this. He should just have to sit in it. I will be alone if my kids were not with me and he isn’t. Any insight?