During my darkest moments I turned to the internet. I began searching infidelity sites and blogs in the hope that someone out there was navigating these wicked waters in the same manner I was.
What I found was that the sea was abundant with drifters all begging for a life preserver to be tossed their way. We were all kindred spirits with our own stories to tell.
Although our stories mirrored each others, no two were ever the same. What did seem to be the same was the pain, distraught, devastation and trauma we were all dealing with.
I am not a writer by any means, nor have I ever thought of myself as being articulate. I do, however, find that writing out my truth is cathartic and freeing, a release of some sort. I began journaling at the suggestion of a friend who had been tossed out to the sea of infidelity the year before. At first I would just write how I felt, then came the ramblings of a crazed human. I turned to those journals to release the toxic thoughts that consumed my brain.
The entries were almost hourly. Since then I have thrown away many of those journals because they were too painful to revisit and I am no longer that broken soul. Oh and of course I never ever wanted my boys to find them and read them.
I have made left turns when I should’ve gone right, but those wrong turns have formed me into who I wish to be and who I don’t want to be, and I don’t want to be in a Jerry Springer episode.
This has become my motto when I start veering to the left, which we all have a tendency to do. Emotions are a hard thing to handle especially when you’ve haven’t felt such hate, anger, resentment and rage as strong as they come from a betrayal. I have acted and reacted.
I rolled my eyes at our first marriage therapist when she said, “Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it.” At that time I thought she meant, “You have to let it go and learn to get over it.” Today it has a whole different meaning to me. It means that I will not allow anyone ANYONE to devalue, discount, dishonor or attempt to destroy me.
During my quest in search of healing and growth I have had many visualizations. I would visualize myself as a female warrior holding my samurai sword like Hangaku Gozen in the face of battle. She is my power, my strength, my shadow. I would allow her to walk ahead of me and guard me. She was the one standing in front of the judge on the day of my divorce. I’ve called on her many of times during this process and as always she is there for me.
In truth I have also allowed myself to drop to the ground cry, scream, kick, and punch (not certain people like I would’ve like to, again I’m not going to live in a Jerry Springer episode). I have let the tears flow until my eyes were swollen and my head ached.
I will continue to allow myself to feel my feelings as they come. We need to go through it, and not around it. Because it will just manifest itself all over again in our lives. This is a time to really dig deep, to get to know ourselves, which can cause us great fear, but which in turn will make us fearless.
During your trying times, close your eyes and visualize your warrior, and allow her to walk ahead of you.