A common social belief is that “money is the root of all evil”. When, in fact, it’s FEAR that’s the root of all evil, not money!
Sadly, this is often the case in a bitter divorce settlement. Many ex-wives fight for unrealistic alimony as a means of financial “payback” and punishment for the emotional pain and suffering they are convinced is their ex-husband’s fault.
The sad truth is that it is nothing more than a false sense of entitlement. Unfortunately, over time their negative energy will transform them from the once loving, confident, happy wife to the unrecognizable fearful, insecure, angry ex-wife whose main purpose is to seek bitter revenge on her ex-husband. Many women are willing to spend outrageous legal fees in the hopes of gaining some cruel satisfaction in watching him suffer financially. Playing the role of victim to her circumstances, she is often unaware that engaging in unnecessary monetary power struggles, sometimes for years, resolves nothing. It is only the symptom of a deeper-rooted fear. In fact, it serves nothing more than to encourage even MORE fear!
Whenever we lose energy to fear-based negative thoughts and emotions, this invites our Ego to take over and control our reality.
Naturally, when your long-term, financially-reliable husband announces to you that he wants a divorce, the initial shock could have a diverse negative effect on you, especially if you never saw it coming. As a result, after the initial shock, anger steps in to mask the fear of your new reality. And, if you haven’t worked on healing your pain, the next harmful emotion you’ll experience as a divorce victim is the desire to seek revenge! And, if you don’t believe me, ask yourself if you sound like this…“You never have to say sorry to me, because I’ll go out of my way to make sure that you are!”
Understandably, your negative emotions are based on the legitimate fear of having to start over again and create a new life for yourself and your children. Getting divorced means having to uproot your familiar life, adjust to being alone, single and dating again, fear of the unknown and having to take complete responsibility to ensure your survival from now on. In your defense, and from my own personal experience, uprooting a familiar, financially-stable life and establishing a new “unfamiliar” life can be extremely frightening. Not to mention co-parenting and/or becoming a single mom too!
However, what you need to be aware of is that your fear and anger, also known as Ego, will uproot and awaken your instinctive need to “fight” for your survival. Therefore, as a way of unconsciously securing your survival and attempting to restore what’s left of your shattered self-confidence, your Ego will take control but, unfortunately, in a negative way.
The need to control through alimony:
Since divorce relinquishes your ability to control your husband any longer, it’s not unusual to want to feel in control of something or someone! As sweet and tempting as the opportunity to seek financial revenge feels in order to punish your hurtful, freedom-seeking, perhaps gallivanting, husband and comfort your emotional pain don’t do it! Or don’t continue to do it. Even with all the legal cards stacked in your favor, you will unconsciously be creating your own energetic “payback” for the negative karma as a result of your vengeful intentions. Take it from a 14+ year veteran in energy healing, it WILL show up as either constant bad luck, anxiety, depression, financial struggle, poor health or the inability to find authentic love!
By now, we all know that money does not buy happiness. Therefore, ask yourself. Are you fighting with your ex to receive a fair retainer for your contribution to the marriage OR are you using the legal system as a means to control and punish your husband to satisfy your emotional pain? Remember, we never invest our time in anything we won’t benefit from whether it’s positive or negative. So if you are still battling your ex about money, be honest with yourself and ask yourself “why?”
Just because you have the right to seek financial support in order to satisfy your desire of financial deprivation or punishment toward your ex-spouse doesn’t mean you should take it! On the other hand, you should seek financial support if there are children involved and you were a stay-at-home mom and have no marketable work skills.
Ironically, the only one who reaps the benefits when couples fight over revenge alimony payments is both your divorce lawyers! Alimony is NOT mandatory nor will it ensure your survival or make you happy, it will only raise your energetic vibration will! In fact, speaking as a divorced woman myself, it is nothing more than a legally entitled excuse that encourages amazing, powerful women like you to remain small and dependent. Don’t be pitiful – choose Powerful instead of revenge alimony! How can you be “fiercely independent” when you’re willingly choosing to remain locked into your past? The only thing you will achieve is cheating yourself from building a new life based on happiness, optimum health, and personal empowerment!
Remember, it’s easy to inflict pain and suffering on others, especially on those that we believe have wronged us or hurt us deeply. Keep in mind that you once loved this person and they loved you. Channel your energy into forgiving him and forgiving yourself too. It took two to make your marriage work and it took two to break it as well. So if you are in the midst of engaging in unnecessary monetary power struggles with your ex, fighting for support money you don’t need, please understand that this is only a “Band-Aid solution” to addressing the real symptom which is your fear of being vulnerable, embracing change and starting over. The only way to be truly free of the bonds that once tied you is by taking complete ownership of your independence!
Money will not heal your pain, love will. And, love will heal you too if you have the courage to rip off your revenge alimony Band-Aid!
DivorcedMoms does not feel that all women who seek alimony do so out of a desire for revenge. We fully understand that alimony can be the only thing between a woman or man and poverty. If you sincerely need alimony to survive and remain financially secure, we encourage you to seek alimony.
I’ve enjoyed and been helped by so many articles on this site. This unfortunately is terrible and probably why the site put a disclaimer on the end.
The moronic idea that a spose who has “worked” hard for her family, a job that equates to a $100K salary without getting one, who many times has opted out of their career to take care of the hundreds of issues and responsibilities of a family is somehow a greedy, unworthy person who should not expect spousal support and should actually feel guilty accepting it is ridiculous.
I suspect this article was actually written by the “new wife” or by a bitter ex-husband who feels it’s unfair that he wants to move on and have no financial responsibility to the mother of his children. This writer’s poor attempt to do a shame job, describing wives seeking spousal support as ” angry ex-wife whose main purpose is to seek bitter revenge” who will create bad Karma in their lives, I contend is someone no one should pay an iota of attention to.
Every woman of any age, getting a divorce should explore all options to protect themselves and their children financially including spousal support as dictated by the state they’re divorcing in. It’s not revenge, it’s your right.
Cathy Meyer says
Kristi, I agree with some of what you say, most certainly do not agree with all you say. I put the disclaimer at the end of the article because there are spouses, both men, and woman who gave up their ability to earn a living to help raise a family. Those spouses should feel no shame nor be accused of using the attempt to receive support as revenge. That is why I added the disclaimer at the bottom. That being said, I’ve known both men and woman who didn’t need alimony, were able to work and had great paying jobs who went after a spouse for alimony because they were angry with their spouse for wanting a divorce. There are two sides to the alimony card. Some people do use it to punish a spouse, some sincerely need it to survive. That is why I put the disclaimer at the bottom of the article and a reason I’m confounded by your anger. If this article didn’t apply to your situation, there is no reason for you to be angry. And, there is no reason for you to belittle or demean the writer of the article. I’m sure Rita would not foolishly tell a financially destitute woman to not pursue alimony if she had spent years or decades raising her family and supporting her husband’s career to only be left with nothing. So, please, until you seek help from Rita and she tells you that no woman, regardless of how bad off financially should seek alimony, you don’t have the information you need to call her out.
Kristie: I think your point of view is accurate. There’s a backlash against women taking support or alimony. As far as revengeful ex’s who don’t need it and in spite, go after it, I don’t think those women are reading divorcemoms.com, they’re few and far between and probably all lunching at Neiman’s.
This article is extremely sexist. I, the eife, was the breadwinner winner in the household, he didn’t do anything and now is coming after me. It works both ways. Saying that its only women coming after men makes it sound like this was written in 1950s
DivorcedMoms Editor says
Where in the article does it say only women go after men for support? This article about those women who try to control an ex by using revenge alimony. It isn’t about ALL women, it’s about THOSE women. It isn’t sexist to point out that not all women have good intentions. That is reality, not sexism. Also, you set precedence in your marriage by supporting him and allowing him to do nothing. What did you think would happen if there was a divorce? He has a legal right to seek and be awarded alimony. Another reality.
Broken Man says
Great article. I wish my ex-wife would read it. She’s a great example of a vengeful ex. She gets $2,700 per month in child support, plus $1,000 in child support (about 42% of my gross income). Hasn’t worked or tried to work in many years since the divorce. Recently, I asked her if I could use my 401K to pay off the remaining debt (full amount). I just wanted to be free and to be able to take a less stressful job, which would come with a lower pay, but happier life. For her, it would have been a great deal; with a full lump sum payment, she would save money by not having to pay income taxes on it. Additionally, she could invest it in so many different ways. Unfortunately though, she takes great pleasure in knowing that she can still controls my life, so she declined. More specifically, she knows very well how much I hate my field of work (incredibly demanding and stressful) and she knows that I cannot afford a pay cut in the current situation. By forcing me to keep up the monthly payment, she ensures that I’m stuck in my misery. I can tell you though that she’s also very miserable.