Fixing the House to Fix our Marriage
I saw Husband Monday and Tuesday this week. Things are the same as they always are. He came over and had dinner. Then he took the kids out to the park for a little bit and put them to bed.
Tuesday Husband went to see a counselor. He said that the time went by so fast that he couldn’t believe an hour passed. I guess he had a lot to say. I don’t have much to say anymore. I just ache and hurt and feel tired and sad. I feel like I have a hard time getting up enough energy to really be present.
After his trip to the park with the kids, he picked up a caulking gun and began caulking all the molding in E.’s room. I put the boys to bed and then picked up the “hole filler upper” gunk and slowly starting plugging in all of the nail holes one by one, with grey grit. It was slow and tedious work, the kind I usually hate, but Tuesday night I did not hate it. I felt like doing slow and tedious work. I talked with Husband as we worked. He showed me how to use the caulking gun and I was along side him filling in the holes. One.by.one.
We talked about A., his daughter, about the counseling session, and about Memorial Day weekend and how we would divide our time. He talked about the normal day to day stuff that our lives have slowly evolved into. We finished the whole bedroom and worked our way into the hall. We completed three of the four walls… hole, gunk, hole, insert gunk until we were done and my shoulders were sore and my butt was sore and my world was blurry from exhaustion.
We finished the whole bedroom and worked our way into the hall. We completed three of the four walls… hole, gunk, hole, insert gunk until we were done and my shoulders were sore and my butt was sore and my world was blurry from exhaustion.
Husband and I were standing in the kitchen, drinking iced water, silent. It was time to say good bye and again our good bye hug turned tearful on my end.
I cried. Again. I am so tired of crying. In that moment, I felt so sad and upset that everything was messed up and different and he has to come and go and come and go… nothing makes sense and I don’t really want him to stay now but I don’t want him to come and go either.
He tried to kiss me and I kissed him back for a moment. I pulled away or pushed away rather. I was just tired and sad and not in the mood. I didn’t want to be kissing him then.
I opened the door and out he walked into the night. I found myself alone again.
Counseling and Cobwebs
I walked into the counselor’s office again and shut the door. It was quiet, almost too quiet in the reception area. All I could hear was the swooshing of the noise maker machine on the floor. I suspect that was placed there so people couldn’t ease drop in on one another’s counseling sessions.
I glanced at the walls. They were covered in sayings that were supposed to uplift you and make you feel good about yourself. “Tomorrow is full of possibilities” read one sign. “You can only do your best with today,” read another. Everywhere I looked I was supposed to be uplifted by quotes. There was even a sign by the bathroom that read, “When you have done everything right and it’s still not working, go left.”
Sigh. I could smell the cleaner in the carpet. I didn’t really know what I was going to talk about today. I didn’t really have much time to think about my situation given the fact that I was back to work now.
Work, work, work, and take care of the kids and house was my mantra. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with the reality that my world was caving in on me and I couldn’t breathe.
I watched my older red haired counselor open her door and invite me in. I shuffled down the hall, and took my usual seat. It was in the corner of the couch with the blue pillow on my lap. The clock ticked away on the table.
I just didn’t know what to say. Everything was the same. I was paralyzed. I didn’t know what I wanted. Well, I guess I knew what I wanted, but realized that since I was not a time traveler or Jesus, I wasn’t going to be able to go back and erase the affair.
So now I sat, unable to move or look my counselor in the eye. I didn’t want to let Husband go, but I couldn’t be with him either, so we had been twisting in a cobweb of dust, sex, crying, and chaos. I couldn’t let him go like my brain wanted me to.