Three Ways I Began My Life as a Divorced Mom

1.) The “To Do” List of Divorce Healing….

It would be fair to say that I am now alone, but I am okay. As I walk in the halls of my school, smell the new Ticonderoga pencils, and watch the backpacks and buses pulling in, it almost seems unreal or a haze.  The kids hustle and bustle around me and I am still in the midst; I am steady and I paint a face on as I go.  I go and go and go and then there is a pause and I freeze.  I am tired and I am swirling in place.

I try to grab a smile from Sam when I can and continue onward. Only now I have found a friend in the midst; someone who knows what I am going through because he is facing the same fate.  It is nice to be understood for a split second and to have a connection with someone feeling the same kind of hurt and pain. (But I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.) I can’t explain it, but when I talk to him and he talks to me, I heal a little inside. I am glad we found each other.

I know I need to heal for me and learn about who I am all over again. I need to understand my strengths and accept my flaws and be who I am. I need to rebuild my ego and my sense of self which has somehow gotten lost these last few months.  So, in the name of finding myself again, I composed a list of stuff I wanted to do to heal.

Pike Place Market

International District

Alki

Cook Thanksgiving Dinner

Carve a pumpkin

Redecorate the family room

Find two interesting pieces of art to go above my bed

Lose 35 pounds

Do laundry two times a week

Cook dinner every night

Cut down the Christmas Tree

Have a dinner Party

Reread Bridget Jones 1 and 2

Visit Maine

Join a softball team

Make an apple pie

Start a vegetable garden

Take kids to Carkeek Park

 

It’s simple and not much, but it means the world to me.  It is my life.  Now I need to do it.

 

2.) Learn to Accept Myself and Dream

I am now hopeful about the future. I am slowly coming out on the other side of all of this and seeing possibilities for a new life. I am appreciating the important people in my life more and learning what it means to be a true friend who listens and understands.

Some people say there is a reason for everything.  I am not sure why I had to go through all of this but I know that I have learned a lot.

This is what I know.

I will complete my fun “to do” list and get to know me again.  Already, I know that I am strong, compassionate, helpful, and I like myself. I will not let anyone put me through a situation like this again.

I will be a good mom to my kids and I will never stop them from seeing their dad, because he is a caring father as well.  (At least, when he chose to be around.)

One day, I will find a best friend and we will get married in a small intimate ceremony.  He will treat me right and I will treat him right too.  We will understand each other. We will laugh and respect one another.I will have a family again.  But now I will be me and I will be alone and I will figure this shit out.

This is what will be.  This is what I know.

 

3.) Have Painful Conversatiosn to Heal Us All:  Divorce Explained to Toddlers

“Mommy, let’s look at your wedding pictures together,” C. called from the living room.

There they lay in the blue photo album that was pressed against the wall in the corner. It was no longer on the coffee table where it stood for many years.

How can I explain to my little man that those pictures are full of hurt rather than happiness?  What do you say when you look into a four year old’s eyes and see only love and confusion?

“You can look at those Bubby,” I replied. “They make Mommy sad right now, so I can’t. But you are welcome to look at them any time you want.”

“Why do they make you sad Mommy?” asked C.

“Because Mommy and Dad don’t live together any more and that sometimes makes Mommy sad.  You see, Mommy and Daddy care a lot about one another, and we are friends, but we can’t live together any more.”

“Why Mommy?”

“Because Daddy wanted a different kind of life.  That is why he has to stay in the condo and we stay in the house.”

Ugh.  What should I have said?  I couldn’t spit the right words out of my mouth.  It was dry and cottony and the whole situation makes me sick to my stomach.  All I wanted was to have a happy and loving family.

I have faith in my heart that I will find a true best friend one day, and we will make it happen. Until then, I push forward with awkward conversations and more on my plate than I care to admit.