I don’t talk much about Ted’s new family. I think, because, I really don’t care. I was the one to leave and my emotions for Ted had been dead for a while. If I thought he was bad when we were together…once I left and his worst side was aimed at me, I never looked back. I was shocked, though, to read his name in the newspaper in the marriage license section. Grant and Kristy were sworn to secrecy of the existence of a girlfriend, so I was completely blindsided. Come to find out a few weeks later, new wifey had been in this country for less than a month when they married. I was threatened to never speak to her in public.
It was rough in the beginning because new wifey, in her very broken asian-english, had loud opinions about my parenting at a school event not even a month after they were married. That was her one and only pass. She does not get another should she have more loud opinions.
It has now been two and a half years. I am certain my “acceptance” of her and now their one year old child is due to the progression in my own healing. She is not a horrible person and she is not a horrible person to my children. She has chosen to keep out of our conflict. Therefore, why make my children miserable during my parenting time just so I can bash a person I don’t truly know? Seems like a whole lot of wasted energy to me. Now, don’t get me wrong, if she treated my children poorly, I would be singing a different tune.
So, here are some ways I have progressed and learned over time
1) I can’t control what my ex does. I would rather not even think about him, really. This is supportive for my kids’ sake because I am free to consume my thoughts with positive activities for Grant, Kristy and I when we are together. Freedom is a wonderful thing when you feel like you lived in a cage for many years.
2) I listen to stories Grant and Kristy share about the baby and step mommy. I have a smile on my face while I do this. Sometimes this smile is VERY, VERY forced. I don’t care about him or how cute the baby is or what she did…blahblahblah. But, Grant and Kristy feel they would like to share their story with me, so, for their sake, I listen. This is part of their world so, yes, as much as I would rather be poking my eye out with a dull butter knife rather than listen to a rambling about something I could personally care less about, I listen.
3) Ted routinely bashes Dane, my boyfriend. How can I enforce good, healthy values in Grant and Kristy if I do not follow up my words with my actions?
4) It just enrages Ted when he drills Grant and Kristy about my questions about step-mommy, to which they reply “Mom doesn’t ask about her.”
5) Grant and Kristy have a chance to learn a lot about another culture. Is it a bad thing? I don’t think so. Their lives are richer and they are learning to be more open minded…except when it comes to step-mommy’s cooking. Any attempt she makes at American food usually turns into a disaster with an asian twist. Kristy is learning some of my recipes to make at dad’s in hopes of passing them on to step mommy. This actually makes me laugh because when I would try a new recipe while married to Ted, he would often turn his nose up at it, tell the kids they didn’t have to eat it and make everyone toast. I bet they go through a lot of toast now.
Grant and Kristy don’t deserve to be in the middle of more conflict, so swallowing my pride and accepting that their new family is out of my control, makes our lives less stressful during my parenting time. Grant and Kristy have to come before me. I got out of my unhappy marriage for all of us, but mostly me. It is up to me to now protect them and their emotions as they grow and their brains continue to develop. It would be incredibly selfish and cruel of me to not want the absolute best for them, and to be the example they deserve.
This article felt like the author wrote it in an attempt to convince herself that she’s above resenting her ex and that she is focused solely on healthy co-parenting. But, it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. She clearly detests her ex and it’s no big secret that she has very mixed emotions about “step-mommy.” Her anger was dripping from her words. I don’t feel she has anything at all to add to the conversation on how to effectively co-parent and how to truly be supportive of her ex as he moves on with his life. She’s fooling herself that she’s mastered these things.
Thank you for your comment, Carol. I can see where you may make that fast judgement from my post. If you have ever read any of my other posts, you will see I will never claim to have mastered anything. Having been married to a person who has a majority of narcissistic/sociopath personality characteristics, I have been and continue to live in hell. The smear campaigns are still happening, 4.5 years later. I am taken to court continuously, have to dodge and weave through full page nasty emails for information about my kids that is usually non -existent because bashing me is more important to my ex than sharing information like sicknesses and doctor appointments. I was completely, emotionally shut down at one time. I was barely functional. I will never claim to be a master at anything because I am a continual work in progress. My point in my article is through all this hell I must live through, I put on a smile for my children, I listen when they want to talk and I don’t bash my ex like he and his family continually do about me to my children. I will do everything I can to lift my children up and make every attempt to “normalize” their lives. It doesn’t matter how I feel about my ex. My use of the word “step-mommy” is a little tongue in cheek because my ex does everything he can to replace me with her, to no avail. My kids love me and they are free to love her. He is their father and I will show respect for their love for him. I will always look for ways to support my children considering our circumstances. I should have made that clearer, and for that, I apologize. I, as many moms who must live through a life like this, will always be looking for ways to continue to heal and grow and I will share those ways through my writing. I will never claim to be a master writer, either 😉
My husbands ex could learn a thing or two from your post. Up to 3 years ago she created havoc in our lives. They were married for about 2 years and she had a girl. My first encounter with her was a phone call to my apartment in which he did not live asking for him only to argue. A first step on her part to stake some claim. We began dating 2 years after his divorce yet she tried to be the wife for many years. She used the daughter to control him and our lives until one day I totally lost it. Her thing was on his weekends there was always an excuse to be late to drop her off it became really bad when our son began playing peewee soccer she would call 15 minutes before we were to leave to say they were just getting ready or sick. Coincidence? No she wanted my husband to miss or be late to his games.
My mom and sister treated her daughter very well and so did I but her mother would set the mood for our weekends, her daughter would have an attitude a lot it was pins and needles for me not knowing what to expect from weekend to weekend because her mother would put stuff in her head.
The most dispicable thing this woman did was have her daughters counselor call me at work 2 months after my son with my husband died at 4 1/2 months old. I was told that if my husband did not pick her up that weekend she would nolonger allow her to come over. What happened was she and her new husband needed alone time. Pathetic pos she was and is. Here my son died suddenly in my arms and I was on the brink of ending it all and she had the nerve to put herself first. Then we had our next son and then come the jealousy from both. We received numerous letters from her accusing, demanding and trying to make my husband feel guilty about breathing.
After many post and stories about my husband on the Internet because she can’t get on with her life I hired an attorney to send her a letter regarding harrassmrnt. She has a no trespassing on her should she ever try anything. The woman is a nut job. She even had the daughter leave a voicemail telling my husband they would see him in court after I blocked them from calling my phones. It was drama, drama, drama that I did not sign up for. Way over the top.
She is on her 3rd divorce her husband cheated on her twice and I wonder if it was because instead of taking care of her marriage she was too focused on creating problems in mine. Suffice to say we have been married 14 years together 15 as of June 5th my birthday. My point is its not my fault their marriage didn’t work out and certainly not my boy’s fault. They have zero to do with this whole thing. Due to their lack of maturity my son wants nothing to do with the daughter in his eyes she does not exist. And we can all thank his ex. She will continue with her victimology she has all these years but that’s on her we continue to be happy and enjoy our life while she sits in her own shit. She can’t win.
Good for you for being thr bigger person , your children are lucky to not know this stress.
I understand the situation and I’m sorry you are dealing with all of that. I think my discomfort is, you really aren’t supportive of your ex’s new life, but you are writing an article about how you are, but the things you write prove you aren’t. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel there’s any shame in the fact that you aren’t. It is what it is. You aren’t there yet, and may never be, because there are some situations where we just need to get to “meh” and that’s the best it can be. I just wanted to share that I felt a good deal of discomfort as I read the article. What you write doesn’t support the title. That’s all.
i lime to think that I’d react the same way. I haven’t had to worry about it…I don’t think he’s been out with a woman more than twice since I left…
it iit is a work in progress though. worth it for sure.
You mean the Goblin King isn’t a chick magnet, Liv? Ted told me once in an email 5hat he had been out with over 20 women and not slept with one of them! He wasnt like me and my” revolving bedroom door”…I have had 2 long term relationships since him. Giggle. Ohhh what WOULD we do with all the projection and gas lighting. I’m sure Goblin King would get a mail order bride if he could. Lol
Melinda, I am so sorry for all you have been through. I, also have to deal with a crazy ex-wife of my boyfriend (I have some posts about her and their son) I am sure that your husband is deeply crushed over it all. Look up Dorcy Pruter and Concious Co-parenting Institute. Just read Dorcy’s story. I am sure it will hit home and I hope it brings your husband comfort. Parental Alienation, or whatever the newest term is, is so very hard. All Target parents can do are set healthy boundaries and wait until the child sees for themselves. I wish you the best of luck.
Don”t let Carol”s comments upset you. You are living through daily, unending intentional abuse and can still put your kids first. You don”t ever have to put your ex first, but unfortunately you have to act like you do for appearance”s sake in front of clueless people like Carol. I got divorced in the 90s and my ex disappeared when I tried to get child support. I am so glad I got to raise my kids by myself with no inference from him and his new wife. I am so glad he died first and I get to be with the grandkids without his 2nd wife around MY kids and grandkids. I have read your posts since the beginning, and you are a much better person than I. My ex has been dead since 2008 and while I don”t badmouth him, I”m glad I don” t have to deal with the stuff you have to every day. I am in awe of your selfless actions for your kids. You are better than your ex and you live your kids more than he does. Blessings. Anne
And p.s., I think your title is dead-on: you support your ex”s new life for your kids-not for him! His new life is dedicated to hurting you! Anne
Thank you so much, Anne. You made me cry.