I am torn. The following is a letter I would like to share with Grant and Kristy. I’m just not sure when. Part of me would like to share with them soon, the other part of me thinks I should wait until they are older. I would really like some opinions on this.
Dear Grant and Kristy,
I want you to know how very much I love you. Sometimes I think you get it but sometimes I see the tiny children that you still are and wonder how much you will ever truly know. A mother’s love runs so very deep, deeper than anything in our world. I feel it is the next step down from God’s love.
I know these past 5 years have been so very hard on you. You have felt pulled apart so many times and in so many directions and I am so sorry. You have been used as pawns to hurt me, but I feel the past two years have been our time of greatest healing so far. For the past two years, I chose my own path, got poisonous people out of our lives, and stopped listening to everyone else’s opinion on how I should parent you. I am so excited with the progress we have made but know how very far we have to go.
Grant, I remember when you were so little. We were inseparable. Mommy and lil G-man. I remember spending hours together reading, playing and reconfiguring your train tracks for you to play out your incredible imagined stories with your trains. I remember how very close we used to be. I used to get slightly annoyed when you constantly played with my hair, twisting knots in it with your tiny fingers, in your sweet show of affection. What I wouldn’t give to have another knot in my hair right now. I miss YOU so very much. I miss “us” and how close we were. I know your humongous heart is still in there. I can see it in your eyes when we finally get to spend a few days and some good quality time together. Then our time is over all too quickly, you leave and you come back with walls up and your cold expressions again. I am so glad you are starting to question the horrible things dad says about me. All I can say is thank you. I know you are a long way from telling him your true feelings and believing all I want is nothing but the best for you, but we will get there. As long as you tell me the truth instead of what you think I want to hear, we will get to OK.
Kristy, you are so strong. So much stronger than YOU even realize. You have a heart overflowing with compassion for other people down to your very soul and that is a very big gift to fit in such a tiny body. I know you will be OK. Just please, for me baby, don’t ever let anyone in your life treat you bad. Don’t tolerate it. Not for one second. Think of our precious furballs. Our big dog is of excellent breeding and came from a loving home. Our little dog was horribly abused and possibly caged her entire life. Gather all the broken pets you can baby, but when it comes to choosing a partner, choose one like our big dog. Your life has been hard enough already.
The past 5 years have been so hard, you both have no idea. Now that you both are getting older you will need to be making decisions soon. You will need to decide if you are going to keep helping dad do things that hurt us and our time together. You will need to decide if the lies he wants you to tell me and the constant “don’t tell Bella” (he only calls me by my first name to them) are worth the broken trust I will have in you. You need to decide how long you will allow the broken promises to go on. It is not fair that in some aspects, you have to grow up faster emotionally than many of your friends. I am so sorry you do.
You need to find your voices and feel free enough, and strong enough to share your true feelings with everyone in your lives. When you are hurting or sad or happy or excited, I want to know. I want to be a part of your lives as much as I can. I want to see you as much as I can, to make you chocolate chip pancakes in the morning and play board games and giggle and laugh at our crazy pets. I will always be here for you, no matter what happens or what life decisions you might make. I am never further than a phone call, and whenever you need me, I will be there. Like the song says…”my whole world begins and ends with you.”
B,
Bravo for getting these feelings out and down. I hope you are still waiting for feedback before revealing your thoughts to your children. My suggestion is to file this letter away. Keep it for you. Read it each year on the anniversary of the day you wrote it and use it to see how far you’ve come. This letter is meant for you, not your children.
POnder these words: “The past 5 years have been so hard, you both have no idea. Now that you both are getting older you will need to be making decisions soon. You will need to decide if you are going to keep helping dad do things that hurt us and our time together.”
I feel your intention, but read them through the eyes of your children.
They DO have an idea as to how hard these past 5 years have been. They have probably been making decisions for years now. They are not actively helping your former spouse to hurt you.
Words, especially those written down, need to be SO carefully chosen. I read this letter as if I was your child and at the end I felt as if I was responsible for your pain and whether or not you will be happy. That is the beginning of a co-dependent relationship, I imagine.
Again, I feel your intention. You have a mother’s love for your children. Keep this letter to yourself. And with them, just shower them with love that is not tethered to your former spouse in any way. Ignore his every move, his every word. Be their stress free zone. Let them love you without controlling how it is delivered.
My words come from my heart. Your situation is very challenging. Which, by design, presents crazy beautiful opportunities to create magic.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you Cleo, I always appreciate and love your insight. They have actually said things to their dad they knew would hurt me in the past, even lied for him, because they were so pressured to do it. You are right, as much as I want it all to stop, I know my ex won’t ever stop, so it is up to me to provide nothing but stability and love. Some days its just so hard though, when he is coming at me through them and they get hurt in his path of destruction, then believe his lies and blaming me for his actions. I fear this will be so normal to them, they will never learn how to treat people in their lives as they get older. Thank you again . I will definitely take your words to heart, because in the end, I want what is best for them, not me.
My thoughts: This is a wonderful letter that should be shared. There is no perfect timing, action, or words in a horrible situation created to build dilemmas. I had a dream I should tell my severely alienated (& the wounds show themselves to me, now several safer states away) teen, so I posted a letter on my blog, as I was not sure it would make it to her thru her obsessively psychologically controlling father. Maybe it will reach her? I can see it get circulated by who I assume is other alienated moms… Best of luck with expressing your love & concern– what all momma bears are born to do.
Bella,
I am so late commenting on this however I am reading my way through your blog 🙂 Here are my thoughts for what they are worth.
You know some of my story, 4 kids, a mentally ill ex and an extremely high conflict divorce. In fact while our divorce has been final almost 4 years now, easter sunday he found out where we were and drove past 15-20 times and stopped my oldest two children as they left and quizzed them on who was with me, what we were doing etc…. it’s a mess 🙁
Our situations are different of course. However they are similar in many ways. You love your children with your entire heart, it shows in all you do. You want the best for your children, you want them to grow up to be strong independent individuals. Teaching my children to be strong independent individuals is where I put my focus instead of focusing on the many many lies they hear from their dad and his family. One day there was a situation where I asked my daughter if she wanted me to get involved (meaning it would be a huge conflict with TD over a lie he was telling) and she said Mom what is the point? it’s always just going to be the tip of the iceberg with him. Hmmm….out of the mouth of my baby girl came such truth.
I could confront him, I could talk to my kids about all the lies he tells them about me, about life but it really doesn’t matter. What matters is in the time they are with me I teach them to think for themselves, I ask them questions that challenge them to think through situations and come up with their own conclusions. I very rarely tell my children this is right or wrong (I know a lot of people think I am crazy) but that is drilled into them by TD. Instead I want them to draw their own lines in the concrete, figure out what they believe.
If I can help them be strong, independent people then they will figure out the truth on their own. I don’t need to teach my children the truth. So far, this theory has worked. My three oldest for the most part have figured out the madness in TD and his family. Some of them admit it more readily than others, some of them still crave his love and acceptance however they all run to me when they need help or love.
Give you kids credit and teach them strength. They are stronger than you think Lady.
I suggest you keep this letter for you. Make sure they never find it. Don’t let them know you doubt their strength. love, love, love, love them and they will figure it out.