That’s my word for the day.
B-L-A-H.
Everything is bothering me right now. From the nasty weather and shoveling my drive for the bazillionth time this wonderful winter season to the mountain of worry on my shoulders. Plus, I miss Dane terribly and can not get to the farm for another month. Sometimes I feel much older than my years.
My grandma told me last week I can’t keep living in the negative, waiting for bad to happen, that I need to focus on the positive and think good thoughts. I love my grandma to bits. She is so freakin awesome.
…But…
I suck at it. I suck at not sitting and expecting bad things to happen because they happen SO OFTEN. I guess it’s kind of an “expect the worst so you are happily surprised when good happens” sorta thing. And I am SO grateful for every little gift I receive. I praise God and give thanks, then start to slide down the slope of fear and worry again.
I woke up very early Sunday morning with severe anxiety. I am beyond worried about money right now and paying bills that there is no money to pay, catching up on bills that are SO late, and picking up as much time as I possibly can from either of my two jobs which have no guaranteed hours or shifts. I am very worried about what will come in the next year with the expensive high school Ted has promised Grant to send him to, and told him he will get a court order to force me to pay for half.
**BIG DEEP BREATH**
I need to learn to be still, to listen, and to trust there will be enough. I am so wonderfully reminded of this every time I need to hear it, from my favorite blog. Glennon, you always seem to know what I need to hear. I truly feel God whispers to you.
Trust.
Trust is sooooo hard for me, because I have trusted everything would turn out ok so many times, and then been shoved on my face. It seems like the world is almost purposely working against me some days. Trust is such a hard word for all moms like me.
I know things could be worse. I have a wonderful family and boyfriend. I have my health and I have my “sisters.” I am so honored to have met some of the most fabulous, beautiful, BRAVE moms on noncustodialmoms.com in situations worse than my own. They give such strength and support, lifting other mom’s up from the dirt they, themselves, have been shoved in. They, like me, are afraid to trust, but that doesn’t stop them from fighting however they can for their babies, and lifting others up while nursing their own broken hearts. Our stories are all so similar, sometimes only the names change. I hold so dear, and pray for my NCM sisters.
So here I sit. Trying my best to be still, to trust, and have faith there will be enough.
I’m so sorry Bella. I get the blahs and the worry about money. I’m dodging Amex! Whatever, can’t get blood from a turnip. Hoping you have a windfall soon.