Dear Judge…A View Into the Ripple Effect of Your Decisions

When dealing with a high conflict divorce, it is often recommended to write your ex a letter, emptying every excruciating emotion you are feeling, but then place it away somewhere and never send it. I have nothing to say to Ted, because I know he is too empty to ever internalize anything I say. All of my emotions and pain would be blamed on me.

I have, though, wanted to write a letter to family court judges and magistrates. But again, I have never encountered one who would even think about what I have to say. But, still, I want them to know much pain they have caused so many families. This is an anger I have carried for a long time. It is time to acknowledge and accept it, so I can let it go and further heal.

Dear Judge,

I understand that I completely do not understand ANY thought process of the family court system. None of it makes sense at all. I am sorry I do not believe you truly want what is best for children. You have created a song and dance of expectations for your courtroom. You do not look at the entire picture. You make excuses when children you place in the wrong parent’s home end up emotionally abused, or worse.

I do agree there needs to be lines drawn on most subjects, and laws definitely followed.  I will never understand why narcissists are almost babied by the court system, with their yearly filings for “emergency” hearings for accusations of their ex “not co-parenting” when THEY refuse to follow guidelines and orders. The narcissists are looked over when they create their own rules and bend laws. They scream and cry and run to the court to “tattle” a created story, and you keep rewarding them. But, nonetheless, please keep rewarding them because you justify their beastly behavior, further escalating conflict with each decision you make giving them more power.

Please, your honor, go back home in your Mercedes and sleep well in your luxurious home while I eat grilled cheese or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on my non-parenting nights just so I can stretch real dinners out so my children, who are both underweight, can have a hearty big home cooked meal when they actually get to spend time with me. Please, keep rewarding the narcissist with MORE court time so I soon won’t even have money for food at all.

Please, your honor, keep rewarding the narcissists with custody attained through lies, while the parents who cared to be parents and truly raise their children can be pushed out. This allows the narcissist more time with the children to continually brainwash and alienate them against their non-custodial parent.

Please, your honor, keep rewarding those narcissists who are only able to focus on themselves and their needs, while the real parents are forced to stand by and watch our children suffer, because as long as the children are fed SOMETHING at their “primary” residence, it’s enough for the system. Just two nights ago my 12 year old daughter was very slightly hunched over and looking at her back in the bathroom mirror. She replied, ”gross” because we could see EVERY RIB BONE AND VERTEBRAE THROUGH HER T-SHIRT.

Just last week, at the home of the parent YOU deemed the better parent, she was sent to school with no breakfast because her brother was allowed to finish off the milk she was to have with cereal.

Please, your honor, sleep well at night while my daughter cries in the bathtub, asking why a judge won’t listen to her for two more years because she “has her own mind now and knows what she wants”, but isn’t old enough to choose where she wants to live by your standards. She is tired of the emotional abuse she must endure from her father. She cries while telling me the things dad says to her. My shy, scared little girl wants to talk to you. She has begged me to find someone to talk to, and I have tried, but no one will listen.

Please, your honor, keep rewarding the jealous narcissist who kept my kids from me over MY regularly scheduled weekend, so he could keep my son from attending a basketball camp I paid for and Grant was very excited to attend.

Your honor, please reward the narcissist with child support money so he can spend it on 3D TV’s and other electronics HE wants, so I continue to have to do without food so I can buy things the children need. He has never bought them winter coats, nor would even buy them school uniform shirts this year. He refuses to help pay for Kristy’s dance class. He has bought Grant ONE pair of jeans in 5 years. He just replaced Grant’s three year old shoes a few months ago. But, hey, you deemed him the better parent and as long as he supplies SOME NECESSITIES for them, the system keeps rewarding him.

I have worked in healthcare for almost 20 years, and I treat all of my patients with dignity and respect. You felt very righteous when you snidely said to me, “With your debts, you are going to lose your home anyway” then ordered me to pay half of the expensive private school the narcissist wanted our children to attend, instead of the free 5 star school across the street from my home.  I barely scrape by to pay for the schooling every year. If it wasn’t for my family and boyfriend, I would be homeless.

Your honor, I really don’t believe you care to see the far reaching consequences of your decisions. Please don’t pretend you have feelings or compassion, because in the six years I have been in and out of your courtroom, I have yet to see it.