It has happened again. I have been trying to stay still, to be quiet, listen and wait for the next right thing to do. If you have ever read one word of my blog in the past you know I struggle. I struggle with an ex husband who exhibits almost all characteristics of a sociopath/narcissist. I struggle with the “system” that was so easily manipulated with lies and handed primary care of our children to such a person. I struggle with finding work, even with 20 years of work experience in healthcare, SO, therefore I struggle to pay my bills. I struggle with parental alienation and pouring myself daily into hanging on to the tiny remaining shreds of my son’s heart.
I have been working hard on healing, because I was just sick and tired of circling in the dark depths of depression and victimization. I have worked through a lot of it, and I am stronger in so many ways, my faith included.
Now, I am the last person on the face of this earth who will get on a soap box and tell anyone what they should be believing. I have made too much of a mess of my own life to ever feel I have the right to judge anyone. This is my journey. Whatever your beliefs, it is the focus toward positive energy that is my message, first. My choice of positive energy is my faith in God. Yours may be different.
My mom attends an incredible church where she lives. The mere setting alone is something out of a painting. It is a breathtaking environment in which incredible miracles pour forth from prayers of the incredible hearts of those in the congregation. I mean, c’mon, how can a “cowboy church” in an open air barn in the center of a horse farm be anything less? My mom’s friends in her congregation have been pouring their hearts into praying for me lately. They help me feel lifted up and stronger, and a humble thank you just will never seem enough.
Miracles are happening every day. My life is changing and I am literally filled with light I never knew could exist. I am staying still and listening. When life starts to overwhelm me, I talk myself down, pray, and wait for the answer.
I pray every day. Now, I am not a formal get on my knees ‘kinda person, but that’s not what Sunday morning “church school” ever taught me I HAD to do. I talk to Jesus like I talk to my friends. I try my hardest to be thankful and pray for others more than I ask for help.
If I start believing something wrong, I gently get set back on the right track. It hasn’t been that way for long, trust me. For years I have been convinced God hated me. I thought I was crying in a heap on the floor in complete aloneness and silence, but I wasn’t. He was sitting there crying with me telling me I just needed to wait. I know that now.
In the past 6 months alone, since finding Melanie Tonia Evans, the miracles have poured in. That, alone, was a miracle in itself. I wasn’t healing like I needed to, and Melanie Tonia Evans helped me to start healing the right way. I have had personal conversations with Max Lucado, an incredible inspirational author and pastor. In looking for inspirational messages and connections on Facebook, I friended him. He messaged and asked how I was doing in the Lord, so I told him….I’m struggling. The last sentence in his message back stated “It is not a mistake you are speaking with me for there is a wonderful event coming in your life, beloved, are you ready to step into the greatness that the Lord has set aside for you…?”
Ok, seriously, my mouth fell open and I cried. He has since sent me a prayer and I read over our conversations when I start to feel beat down.
I was just hired for a third PRN job, and have my second interview for a forth PRN job later this week.
I received a letter explaining my mortgage company is revisiting my modification request.
The other night on night shift at one of my jobs, I had a conversation with an incredibly spiritual co-worker. She helped me change my views and set me back on track. I have been struggling with the problems Ted causes and the alienation with Grant. I thought I was focusing, but something she asked me made me realize I wasn’t focusing right. “Why are you even thinking about him at all? You should be handing that over to God and focusing on your own spirituality, take as much pressure off of your kids as you can and just believe that everything will work out. Every time Ted tries to disrupt your life, it is because you have been on the right track. Laugh at the evil and disregard it, pushing your focus on the right things even harder.”
Just yesterday, my boyfriend received a letter in the mail that after 8 months of fighting, his son’s (inept) behavior specialists are withdrawing from his care and he will be permanently referred to the RIGHT mental health providers. Bradley’s recommended care plan will include taking him off of medications he never needed.
Miracles happen constantly. If things just keep going wrong, maybe you are focused, but on the wrong things. Step back, take a deep breath and wait. The universe will whisper tiny miracles and if you are too busy worrying or looking the wrong direction, you may miss the answer. This has been one of my greatest lessons learned. If you believe, then pray. I remember a sermon in church when I was little. It’s funny how some things stick with you. The pastor said “God has three answers, yes, no and wait. As humans, it is the last that we struggle with most.”