Sometimes my life seems like a story, except the middle part where everything goes wrong never ends. The happy ending never comes, only more and more drama. When one bad part lets up a little, I find myself bearing down and bracing for the next wave of bad, praying for relief that is only ever short lived. BUT I AM FREE. I blame myself sometimes, because the Bible doesn’t see divorce as an option in emotional abuse, so I can’t help wonder if God meant for me to keep living like I was. But why would God mean for anyone to have to live like that? I may have been going to church more, and going through the motions of a good little Christian wife, but I was miserable. I was put down naturally and easily by Ted in groups and alone. Nothing I did was good enough. I am a bit of a free spirit, and living within the confines of the tight little cage Ted built around our lives was smothering me to death. I completely lost myself. I didn’t know who Bella was anymore. No one understands what it is like to live with emotional abuse, until the reality hits hard. I felt like a Stepford Wife. I was fully expected to look and behave a certain way with a fake plastic smile on my face the entire time. My heart had been chipped away into such a pile of crumbs, I no longer had any emotion for Ted at all. That is when I knew my love for him was irretrievable. I wanted everything to be even, split down the middle. Ted had another plan.
Through everything I have been through, I have learned the challenges are a lesson of some sort. Sometimes the lesson is so small I can’t help but wonder why I had to struggle SO HARD just to learn THAT. Sometimes I am completely lost for a reason for the challenge. But nonetheless, somewhere in all the mess there was a lesson learned, experience gained. And a ton of ice cream consumed.
We have to keep going. Keep breathing. Some days that is all I can do, is breathe, because anything else is just TOO HARD that day. It’s ok. Those days are going to happen. Tomorrow is a new day, and no matter how little we get to see our babies, they love us, and we have to get our message to them that we love them. We won’t give up for them. Even at our lowest times, we MUST remember that no matter how low we feel, we matter to them.
We have to join together, hold each other up. Know we are not alone. There is strength in numbers. Who knows, maybe someday our voices will rise so high we will make change so other moms do not have to hurt like we have. I have always wanted to believe in the “system” and the romantic notion that the truth will persevere, justice will be served and the good will win. I could not have been more wrong. The family court “system” dictates and decides for you when you cannot agree. That is it. The judge goes home and sleeps quite well after ripping your life to pieces.