Parent Coordination as defined by The Association of Family and Conciliation Courts is:
“A child-focused alternative dispute resolution process in which a mental health or legal professional with mediation training and experience assists high conflict parents to implement their parenting plan by facilitating the resolution of their disputes in a timely manner, educating parents about children’s needs, and with prior approval of the parties and/or court, making decisions within the scope of the court order or appointment contract. “
In our county, parent coordination is usually assigned as a last ditch effort to force co-parenting in a high conflict divorce when the parents end up in court… a lot. Our parent coordinator was assigned at our divorce hearing. Yep. The divorce was THAT bad. My divorce attorney, who is quite well known in our area and has been in the field almost 30 years, told me she could not remember a divorce as bad as ours. Ted, to this day, tells everyone how he tried so hard to get along with me that he was the one who asked for a parent coordinator. When I first was told by my attorney a year earlier about parent coordination, I jumped at the idea. Ted refused parent coordination at that time. I still laugh about that.
Parent Coordination is supposed to be nothing more than mediation. The PC is there to get you to agree, whether it is a fair agreement or not, does not matter. This person is not your family counselor. That is someone else’s job. The PC does not truly care about the history of WHY you feel so strongly opposite your ex about a particular topic.
Parent coordination, for me, was a nightmare. I was $60,000 in debt to attorneys when we started with ours, and I could not seek the advice of an attorney. My advice to anyone going through parent coordination, have an attorney you can consult with legal questions. Our PC had a considerable resume in family counseling, not law. I feel I was given legal advice, which ended up being wrong, on a few occasions.
The parent coordination meetings consisted of Ted speaking and controlling the flow, of most of the meeting. Ted had a meeting “dance”. The problem would be presented, I would speak my opinion, then explain WHY I felt the way I did. Ted would dominate the rest of the conversation, going 5 miles around the original problem, bring up multiple other problems and pull every blame out of an almost 20 year past he could. The PC and I would be so confused by the end we barely had time to go back and focus on the original problem. Then, the PC would have 10 minute mini-meetings with Ted after most sessions, which I never felt was fair. Ted, is a Class A manipulator. The PC refused over and over that Ted was capable of manipulating her, but when she threw twisted untrue stories back at me, I knew he had accomplished his plan. Ted would also create some kind of drama, then rush Grant and Kristy in to the PC for an emergency meeting with great concern for their physical or mental well being, and have them regurgitate whatever he told them to say. I would have no knowledge of this meeting until usually months after it happened.
At the beginning of year 2 in Parent Coordination, I was able to get the poison out of the lives of Grant, Kristy and I and got away from abuser #2 “the warden”. Parent coordination appointments got much easier after that, because I was only terrified of “what else” Ted was going to come up with at the next appointment. I was no longer terrified to go home to endure the hours of screaming and mental abuse from the warden over the answers I gave during the meeting.
Year 2 was significantly different than year 1. I started year two with a private meeting with our PC to explain the exit of the warden from our lives. Our meetings went from 1-2 a month to 2-3 total. When I did not want to attend meetings in the first year, I was threatened by the parent coordinator about the court order. Ted refused to attend many meetings in year 2. He caused a lot of drama during this time, and most likely had trouble spinning it into what could be perceived as being my fault.
I was much calmer and more reasonable in year 2, partially because I was no longer under orders and threats from the warden to answer as I was told, and partially because I was so tired of the fighting and the drama. I learned I had a worthy voice, and learned how to voice my concerns, stating complete facts with supporting evidence. It was also during this time I had a long talk with the attorney I hired, and changed how I reacted to Ted (see “Why are you still allowing him to have so much power over you?”). During year one, the reports the PC submitted to the court were very focused on my behavior. During year 2, even though the PC told me she saw definite positive changes in me, no reports were submitted to the court. When I asked about this, I was told “because we weren’t having many meetings.”
Looking back, I think hiring a mediator to establish some ground rules, and to sew up some loopholes and gray areas in our divorce decree would have been of greater benefit. I feel our PC was nothing more than another pawn to Ted, and when she was not useful to him, he wanted nothing to do with parent coordination or solving problems. When our two years was up, that was it. No final report, nothing. The requirement fulfilled, I now consult my attorney with unresolved problems and pray no one else has to go through this hell.
Oh my goodness, Bella. What a nightmare this must have been for you! Unfortunately, Parenting Coordination is still not a nationally (or even in most cases, state) regulated industry like Counselors, Attorneys, Doctors, etc. and as a result, Parenting Coordinators (P.C.s) can easily get a bad rap by those in the field who are poorly trained, over-/under- zealous, or don’t uphold the highest standard of our industry. Parenting Coordination (in our state) is far from mediation, where a “said-to-be” unbaised individual attempts to help the parties try to come to agreement, and if they can’t, it can’t be discussed in court. In a high conflict relationship??? YEAH RIGHT!
Parenting Coordination is SUPPOSED to be a form of dispute resolution for high-conflict parents. The role of the parenting coordinator includes the responsibility of educating, mediating, managing and monitoring the co-parenting relationship with the primary goal of minimizing unnecessary stress on the child/ren. Unlike (co-parent) counseling, the major benefit to parenting coordination is that the process is non-confidential. This allows the P.C. to hold the parents accountable for their non-cooperative behaviors, and to immediately reduce parental conflict (as opposed to waiting weeks/months for petitions/hearings/etc.), ultimately helping parents to get their child(ren) out of the middle of an ongoing war. It also allows the PC to monitor and document when either parent is unwilling to cooperate with the court order, and/or the other parent to act in the best interest of their child/ren. All sessions done with the parties are also videotaped, and all information is openly available to the court, and to the attorneys, as a part of the parties ongoing case related to custody, visitation, etc.
While P.C.s (again in my state) are either lawyers and/or therapists, we therapists like to joke that we have an “added edge,” when it comes to working with families because we are trained to recognize many of the clinical issues that lawyers cannot see – i.e. mental health issues such as Bipolar Disorder, Narcissitic Personality Disorder, Parental Alienation, etc.
I am SOOOO sorry that this happened to you and your family, and I understand both personally and professionally the additional devestation that can come from a person who is supposed to be there to bring relief in the middle of a storm (be it P.C., Guardian Ad Litem, Judge, etc.) becoming nothing more than a secondary victimizer. I stand in agreement with your prayer.
Spirit,
Thank you so much for your comment. So much more happened with our PC, but it was very difficult to summarize it enough to get my point across. The words just did not flow for this post. It was a very difficult and frustrating time for me and reliving it again may have blocked finding the right words. It seemed at first our PC was attempting the things you speak of, but it all fell to pieces very quickly. I feel our PC wasn’t right for our situation and parent coordination may have been beneficial with the right PC. I have “lived and learned” enough in the past 5 years to fit into another lifetime. lol
I see so many similarities to my own story (which I blogged about: Why Parenting Coordination Didn’t Work for Me http://bit.ly/1kzCMdm). My biggest problem with the parenting coordintor was that we’d agree to something – but there were no consequences if he didn’t comply. And to this day – it was “his” idea to go to the parenting coordinator and I’m the bad parent because I’ve said I won’t go any more.
Liv, I see many similarities as well. Since I have been learning about narcissism and the traits of narcissists, I understand a lot more that our PC was just another pawn for Ted. When she started finally listening to me, Ted no longer saw her as an asset and quickly started refusing to attend meetings. I am so glad it is all over.
Thank you so much for your beautifully written thoughts on this difficult subject. It is so gut-wrenching the first weekend you are without your children. You have captured the feelings so well. Thank you for sharing your heart. I will be quoting you on my site.
Melissa www.divorcinganarcissist.net
Thank you, Melissa!!!
I just came across your article which totally resonated with me. Like Bella, when things got bad I suggested a PC, family therapist and use of parenting app but my ex refused. Eventually, after a trial he agreed to see a family therapist but when I started standing up for myself, he got up and stormed out of a session and that ended therapy. Now a year later, his relationship is so fractured with his children that he is insisting on a PC and therapist solely with our kids without any intervention from me.
While I believe PC’s and therapists mean well, there are few that can see through the narcissist. They control the conversation, twist things around, put you on the defensive and portray themselves as the victim. They use these sources to gather more information that can be used against you. Don’t fall into this trap. I think it is far better to have separate conversations with a professional that has experience in high-conflict. This way you can feel emotionally safe to tell your side of the story. Don’t bash the other party but use factual information. Don’t try to diagnose your ex to the professional. Focus on you and what efforts you have made. Having to go through this is living the hell you survived during your marriage and is emotionally exhausting. Stay calm and strong…