Wow, is all I can say to sum up the past few weeks I have had. I have had some of the most amazing ups of my entire life, some downright too scared to breathe moments, and I have revisited some dark places.
Where do I begin?
I have shared that I have been fighting to save my home. I entered a program last December called “Get Hope.” This program is designed to help homeowners with tough decisions when faced with sudden hardships. I lost my job last November after complaining to the head administrator about ethical standards of practice in the nursing home where I was employed and, well, met the fate of so many others who have done the same. I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut any longer. But that is a whole other story.
I need desperately to save my home if I am to have any hope at all of changing custody arrangements in the next few years. No judge will let a mom have custody of any child if she is homeless. The organization in my area representing the GET HOPE program is our local urban league. The urban league is truly an amazing group of angels, and that is not even a good enough label for them.
I received an email while working one of my jobs on a Monday. A settlement conference at the courthouse was set for Friday, 4 days later. I had been playing phone tag with my urban league angel for a couple of weeks over some questions about paperwork I should have received, but never did. On that particular Monday, my urban league angel had been exchanging emails with the attorney representing my mortgage company. Come to find out, I apparently missed two mandatory payments required to be a part of a hopeful modification to my mortgage, and the company didn’t want any excuses, they just wanted to foreclose.
I was in between treating patients at work, reading the emails, and I immediately started to panic. I thought I was holding myself together, but apparently I wasn’t, because my team member started asking if I was ok. “Kid stuff?” he asked. “No, house shit.” I replied. “Oh man.” “Yep.”
I jumped in and began sending emails explaining I couldn’t make payments I didn’t know I was supposed to make. The decision was finally made to discuss it all at the settlement conference. Darkness set in. All of the old “feelings” I used to have when dealing with Ted and everything related to the divorce and Grant and Kristy came back to the surface. I felt like I was fighting for my life again. It’s amazing how dark emotions can sneak in and take hold very quick. My body started reacting how it used to and I started to shut down emotionally… but I knew I couldn’t. I needed to finish my day before I could curl up in a ball in my dark cave of emotions and cry myself to sleep.
In my panic, standing at the nurses station, I texted my mom. “I need the prayer warriors, mom, can’t explain, at work, but bad stuff with the house.” She texted back “done, call me later and explain.” Have I ever mentioned I have the best parents in the world?
Long story short, a deal was reached at the settlement conference, and thanks to my parents (who arrived by plane the night before for an already scheduled vacation) I get to keep my house. I have so many angels in my life surrounding me, it’s unreal. My parents are retired and have 4 jobs between the two of them. They shouldn’t have to rescue me, but they do. They have been showering the kids and I with gifts since they arrived and I never feel any kind of thank you is enough. My parents are the best, and I am so grateful for any time I get to spend with them. Living 1200 miles away from each other is hard, but it is what it is.
There is a country song I have loved since it was released, called “Something to be proud of” by Montgomery Gentry. For the past 6 years, no lyrics have resonated within me like these. No matter where I am, I cry every time I get to this point in the song:
Well, I fell in love, next thing I know
The babies came, the car got sold
I sure do miss that old hot rod
But you sure save gas in them foreign jobs
Dad, I wonder if I ever let you down
If you’re ashamed how I turned out
Well, he lowered his voice, then he raised his brow
Said, lemme tell ya right now
That’s something to be proud of
That’s a life you can hang your hat on
You don’t need to make a million
Just be thankful to be workin’
If you’re doing what you’re able
And putting food there on the table
And providing for the family that you love
That’s something to be proud of
And if all you ever really do is the best you can Well, you did it man
I have always felt like I disappointed my parents because against their wishes, I got married at 21, and it all went downhill from there. They supported me like they always have, even through the dark years when I was convinced by a very bad person they were not good enough and allowed them to be pushed out of my life, willingly.
I am learning that in healing, you must learn to forgive, and the hardest person to forgive is often times yourself. I don’t know how many times I have apologized to my mom on the phone, just for her to tell me to knock it off and focus on stuff that matters because the past is in the past. If there has ever been a child to test parents’ unconditional love, it’s me.
So, mom and dad, I just want to say that words will never be enough to express what you mean to me, thank you will never seem enough, and I only hope I can be the parent to Grant and Kristy you two have always been to me. I love you guys with all my heart.