Stalking And The Obsessive Ex. Where Do You Draw The Line?

According to Wikipedia

“Stalking is unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual or group toward another person. Stalking behaviors are related to harassment and intimidation and may include following the victim in person or monitoring them. The word stalking is used, with some differing meanings, in psychology and psychiatry and also in some legal jurisdictions as a term for a criminal offense.

According to a 2002 report by the National Center for Victims of Crime, “Virtually any unwanted contact between two people [that intends] to directly or indirectly communicates a threat or places the victim in fear can be considered stalking”[1] although in practice the legal standard is usually somewhat stricter.”

Stalking is often a way for a narcissist to remain in control of a broken relationship, especially after divorce. They need their supply, and if their victim is a soon to be ex wife, it makes the narcissist feel powerful while exacting their vengeance. They will lie and manipulate anyone they can to fulfill their agenda. Unfortunately, protective orders are not issued unless there is violence or the threat of violence.

“It is a mistake to characterize all stalkers as mere transients or losers, or to think that only a celebrity can be a stalking victim. Anyone can be a stalker, and anyone can be a stalking victim. In a study conducted in 1998 by the U.S. Department of Justice, it was determined that one out of every twelve women and one out of every forty-five men in the United States has been stalked at some time in their lives. The majority of stalking cases appear in the context of domestic violence and these are the cases that most often result in serious bodily injury or death. The same study indicated that of those women who were stalked by a current or former husband or dating partner, 81% were also physically assaulted by the same partner. However, most stalkers do share an uncanny intelligence and unusual determination that enables them to successfully track their prey. They are not your typical criminals.” –Rhonda Saunders, www.stalkingalert.com

Stalking should never be taken lightly. A person you thought you knew and could never be violent, could turn violent in an instant. Many police departments are connected with Victim’s Assistance programs and their counselors will help you determine what steps to take to protect yourself and children if you are a victim of stalking.

There are many resources available online to help. Victimsofcrime.org’s Stalking Resource Center offers help and education for victims of stalking. The Department of Justice also has a stalking site www.ovw.usdoj.gov/aboutstalking.htm.

When attorneys see a high conflict divorce coming, most will highly recommend eliminating personal social websites because any and all information can be twisted and used in court. Cyberstalking and Cyberharassment laws exist in every state. For more information on this go to www.ncls.org/research/telecommunicaitons-and-information-technology/cyberstalking-and-cyberharassment-laws.aspx

When Ted and I separated, Ted was determined to punish me in all ways possible. Ted wanted to hurt me as deep as he possibly could. How do you hurt a mom who adores her children? You spin any story possible and spend endless amounts of money to take them away.

I am stalked and this is my story. I know my story will be far from the worst you have heard, but I strongly feel no one should have to live looking over their shoulder.

During our two and a half year divorce, I had caught not only Ted but several of his family members and private investigators stalking me. Yes, he hired private investigators to stalk me.

One night Ted called my apartment at 11 pm. He snarled that he had just been to my apartment to drop off toys for Grant and Kristy. I opened the garbage bag at my front door and it was filled with stuffed animals belonging to Kristy when she already had approximately 50 on her bed.

He had been stalking me but keeping a distance up until this point. He had been right outside my door. The deep fear and shaking are still fresh in my mind. There was a protective order in place from him hitting my mom four months earlier. I called the police and filed yet another report. I was told to contact my counselor at Victim’s Assistance. The counselor offered ways to protect me, one being to establish a neutral exchange location with working video cameras. I chose a gas station with a lot of traffic. He made one exchange, then refused to go to the neutral location the next night. He insisted on coming to my apartment instead, showing up with several of his brothers. Ted’s decision and refusal to leave my apartment resulted in his arrest. Ted later sued me and the police department.

Mutual friends told me Ted carried a recorder with him at all times early in our divorce process. He tracked down my friends in parking lots. He harassed my best friend by calling her multiple times, trying to turn her against me. He harassed another friend so much, she stopped answering the phone. When he discovered this, he blocked his number and continued to call her. He even called the ex-wife of the person I was dating AND her family in attempts to dig up dirt.

Ted summoned a close friend to testify against me in court without her permission, expecting her to cancel her vacation to Disney World. She was released by his attorney when she told him she had nothing good to say about Ted.

The stalking continued after the divorce, even after Ted obtained primary physical custody of our children. My last sighting was the summer of 2012, when Ted’s parents drove by my house three times within 2 hours. Ted regularly stalks my brother now, driving by his home sometimes several times in one week. We all feel it is a way to show his power, because driving by my home that often would have greater consequences.

Ted now primarily stalks me through litigation. He takes me to court at least once a year to learn details about my life he has not been able to drill out of Grant and Kristy, along with attempting to take more parenting time away each time.

The more we educate ourselves, the more we can protect our lives and those of our children. My wish is for the broken family law system to recognize stalking and obsessive behaviors more and make decisions accordingly, BEFORE physical violence erupts. Just because a man in the divorce process has not shown (much) physical violence in the past does not mean he will not during or after divorce.

FAQs About Stalkers:

Does stalking include monitoring of a person?

Stalking behaviors include following or monitoring a person—often in a clandestine manner. Stalking is closely related to intimidation through unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual or a group toward another person.

Is stalking a criminal offence?

Stalking is used as a term for a criminal offense, but carries other meanings as well. The term stalking is also used in psychology and psychiatry.

Does stalking include threatening someone?

Any unwanted contact between two people directly or indirectly communicates a threat or places the victim in fear can be considered stalking, says a report by National Center for Victims of Crime. 

Are narcissists stalkers?

Narcissists are known to have stalked their ex spouses in a bid to take control over them even after divorce. 

Do courts issue protective orders against narcissists for stalking?

A court can only issue a protective order against a narcissist for stalking if violence or a threat of violence is established.

How frequent is stalking in the US?

One out of every 12 women and one out of every forty-five men have been stalked at some time in their lives, claims a study by the US Department of Justice.

Should stalkers be taken lightly?

Stalkers can turn violent anytime even if there is no previous history of violent acts against them. Stalking should never be taken lightly.

Do stalking incidents relate to domestic violence?

The majority of stalking incidents occur in the context of domestic violence and involve serious injuries or death as a result.  

Do stalkers assault their partners?

A study says that of those women who were stalked by a current or former husband or dating partner, 81% were also physically assaulted by the same partner. 

Are stalkers criminals?

Stalkers are criminals, but they cannot be dubbed ordinary or typical criminals. These people have an uncanny intelligence and unusual determination that helps them track their prey.

How do I protect myself against a stalker?

If your local police department is connected with Victim’s Assistance programs, they can assign a counselor for help. A counselor will help you determine what steps you should take to protect yourself and children against stalking.