I don’t sleep well a lot of the time. I’ve boiled it down to times when the weight of everything is just getting too much and there’s too much going on and it seems like life is just getting too hard and hitting me from too many angles. Yup. Lotsa “too’s” there right now.
Life has really, for lack of a better word, sucked this year. I have had so many downs compared to my ups I am starting to get used to the taste of dirt from falling or being shoved on my face so much. I left a job for the same hospital system I had worked for, for almost 18 years because my job became unstable, which led to a series of more unstable jobs.
Ted took me back to court to try to convince the judge to only let me see Grant and Kristy 3 times a year. When that fell through at the last minute, he asked for, and won, taking my summer parenting time away, so now I can only see them on school year time, year round. While waiting for the hearing all summer, I was not allowed to leave the state with Grant and Kristy as if I were a criminal, when I had done nothing wrong.
My financial advisor and former friend was convicted of stealing my divorce settlement, along with money from 4 others totaling almost $600,000. He was sentenced to 11 years in prison while I sat there and watched. I wonder where money for groceries is going to come from every month and I had to listen to his wife who is still living in their 5000 square foot home wail about her poor babies.
I drove 450 miles to pick up my kids so Grant could attend a college basketball camp I signed him up for, and notified Ted 3 times….just to be told by Ted at the last minute he was taking them out of state over MY parenting time. Not only did Grant not get to attend the camp, but I lost the money I paid for the camp.
I was court ordered to go through a parenting class with Ted for the SECOND time, pay $250, and sit and listen to him lie about me in front of the whole class.
I had to console Kristy that the next two years WILL go fast, while she was crying to me asking WHY a judge won’t listen to her until then to be allowed to come live with me…because she “has her own mind and knows what she wants” but after phone calls I was told nothing could be done.
There are other things I am too humiliated to even mention.
Sometimes everything piles up all at once and it becomes too much and I find myself on my knees, sobbing, for what seems like the millionth time this year praying for a little break because it’s just getting too hard. But maybe that’s where God wants me right now, on my knees praying so he is gonna get me there however he can. These are also the times I pray to help other moms like me.
My one wish came true, though, the prayer to somehow help other moms who are having a hard time, too. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have no clue how to do any of this other than to plop my sometimes gut wrenching feelings and experiences out there so other moms like me don’t have to feel so alone. I feel like God has set me on this path and I feel SO blessed for the opportunity to plop.
We came to the farm, my peaceful healing place, for a few short days to celebrate Christmas with my boyfriend and his son. This was a true blessing that God gave me because at first it didn’t appear as if the 5 of us would be able to celebrate any kind of Christmas together this year. I will gladly take the 3 short days we have together.
I needed this. I needed to stop and not think and hyper-analyze for a couple days. So, I am lying here, unable to sleep and not allowing my mind to go back to worrying. That’s for home. Right now it’s time to just breathe. I need to soak in the peace here because it is all around, in the gorgeous rolling hills and dirt roads and smell. I need to hear the kids giggling. I am so thankful for my time with the horse, hell I don’t even mind when the wind shifts and the hog house smells come our way.
All too soon I have to go back to the real world which means a lot of worrying. Today I am getting up and watching the kids open their gifts and then who knows what the day will bring. I am so thankful we are all together and I can just breathe. I think all moms, no matter what our situation, just need to breathe sometimes so we don’t lose ourselves. Kind of a stopping-and-smelling-the-roses sorta thing. I never did this before my divorce, but it is something I realize now that I need.
I just hope and pray 2014 brings a few more ups than the downs of 2013. I pray I can have more peaceful moments so I can focus on helping more moms. All I can do for now is keep standing up when I am face down again, keep brushing off the dirt, place one foot in front of the other, and keep breathing. I do this because there is no other choice. I do this for Grant and Kristy.
Nancy Kay says
I too have been struggling to break away from a very difficult 2013-know that you are NOT alone!
Pennie Heath says
Bless you Bella, you have had such a hard time, OMG. Sending +++ thoughts and prayers for 2014. Your ex is going to hell. Just sayin.
Donna Hickman says
I am amazed at how closely my blog/my situation mirrors yours, which I just now discovered (& it is my hope severely alienated youth like my daughter discover it, too, at some point–unfortunately, she will likely be struggling so much with her confusion, that im not sure how capable she will be at sorting out reality & be able to heal — this tortures me). No matter how painful the truth is, it can not harm & cripple the way lies & secrets & silence does. Thank you for sharing your story/my story.
Thank you everyone. Big hugs.
Donna I would love to read your blog. please post how to find it. We will find a way to get through to our babies who are hurt and confused by the lies and twisted truths. Patience is so hard for a mama bear who sees her cubs hurting. We will get through this.