While Ted and I were going through our high-conflict divorce, we both wanted the chance to speak with our children while in the other parent’s care. We had a stipulation of a daily 15 minute phone call put in the divorce decree.
The phone call game has gone on since day one. It is simply amazing how someone who NEEDS control over every aspect of his ex and children’s lives can manipulate a simple call.
Grant and Kristy will be told they can’t answer at times when I call. The phone is often forwarded to Ted’s work number, other numbers ( I assume his wife’s cell?) but mostly to the home number. I am only allowed to call his cell number, but calls are never answered if they are away from home. If I do not send Grant and Kristy to their room during my parenting time to talk to him, he will not allow phone calls. I asked for the same respect, and was denied. He will only agree for them to leave the room and go to another open room on the main level of the house.
If I call back and Ted hasn’t decided yet that I am allowed to talk and Kristy answers the phone anyway, she receives a verbal lashing.
While on vacation, Ted claims the phone reception is too bad at the campground where he and his family stay every year, yet Kristy answered on their first night from inside the camper last year. When I actually do get a call returned, they are almost always calling from the campground, with extended family members around them so loud, they can’t hear me on the phone. I usually average 3 phone calls total over their 11 or 12 day vacation.
Last fall on one of my parenting nights, Grant told me at the last minute we had to go to a mandatory meeting at school that night. We rushed through dinner after returning from Kristy’s dance class, and during dinner Ted tried to call 3 times. Dinner time is the only time I will send a call to voice mail. While Grant and I were driving to school, I was trying to have a serious conversation with him when Ted called two more times. I asked Grant to please wait to return his call after the meeting, which he felt was a fair request. Ted decided that since I disobeyed his many attempts to call that one night, he would no longer allow phone calls. This went on for two months.
Kristy is always berated if Ted catches her texting me. During that two months, she was flat out told she was not allowed to text me.
While we attended our court ordered parent coordinator for two years, I complained often about phone call games. Ted would lie, saying he had problems with phone calls too, so the PC would dismiss anything further on the subject. This is a common game of the narcissist. If he can blame enough and get someone in the system to listen, anything you have to say will be dismissed.
It is now Monday evening, I have talked to Grant for 7 minutes since Friday morning. I have not talked to Kristy at all. Kristy texted me today while dad was at work for a couple hours, but once she heard the garage door open, she said she had to go.
On Wednesday evening when I have my parenting time, the phone will be answered when it rings, much to Kristy’s grumbling and rolling of the eyes. My message to both Grant and Kristy…I respect your love for dad and I will not come between you. Talk as long as you wish, but I know he would like to hear about your day. (then I throw up a little in my mouth)
Ted needs to control and manipulate as much of my time as he can. He feels the need to punish me for leaving him….still.
I used to get very down and let the lack of communication between Grant, Kristy and I affect my mood for days. I would circle in the dark depths of my depression, hashing and rehashing my nasty email addressing the subject…until I learned that is exactly what he wanted. Ted needs that supply from me.
I will no longer give Ted that kind of power over me. Yes, at first I get very frustrated because it always seems to happen when I need to tell the kids something important, but I now deal with it by NOT fighting it. I allow myself to feel it, then I let it go.
I ask myself if this will be important in a year. The answer is always “No.”
I document it, then I get busy writing, cleaning the house, or take the dogs on a walk. Narcissists are nicknamed Emotional Vampires. I am healing, and I am in control of how much I let him “suck” from me, which is less and less every day. Narcissists HATE losing that control over us, and that makes me smile.
Bella,
You have my utmost sympathy. My ex exhibits similar behavior about calls and communication. It is one of those things I have decided isn’t worth the battle. Our kids answer when he calls or it is hell on earth. They return his calls pretty much immediately. However when they are with him, I very rarely call. I tell them how much I love them before they leave and let them know I will fill them in on everything once they come home, if they need me – they call. This has resulted in more contact between us when they are with their dad. They sneak into the restroom, outside, or go on a walk so they can call me.
I send my little one a text everyday to his dads phone, however the messages seem to never be relayed to him. Doesn’t matter. I send them, if he ever has his dads phone he can read them and he goes through my phone and reads them when he comes home.
Hope you find the best solution for you and grant and Kristy. Not communicating with our children causes us so much pain.
Thank you so much!!! It helps knowing I’m not alone. Grant is now lying to me about getting my texts and “not knowing” when I tried to call even though Kristy told me he was on the phone and refused to get off so she could call me.
The problem with me no longer trying to call would , in the broken system’s eyes, give the impression that I do not wish to communicate with my children and hurt me when I am drug to court yearly.
All I ask is a couple of minutes of their time to hear their voice and hear about their day. My conversations with Grant range from 2-7 minutes when I do talk to him.
They are hit over the head with Bible verses and “showing” that they are good Christians, while I try to teach them that good Christians not only talk, but also choose good behaviors. This includes telling the truth and showing respect to others.
I hear so many mothers with exes who show these narcissistic characteristics tell their children it is ok to act as though they do not like their mom while at dad’s, in order for the child’s life to be easier and have less conflict. I don’t know if I agree with this. Sometimes in life, you have to choose to take the less popular road in order to do the right thing. We are teaching our children this in school when it comes to bullies, yet the opposite when bullied by a parent? I think this is a confusing message to send.
They lied in the beginning to make dad happy and look where it got me. He will not be happy until I am walking down the street barefoot with nothing but a potato sack around me. He will continue to be relentless in his pursuit to convince the court to completely take them from me, and the broken system will continue to listen to the gas lighting, the projecting and the mirroring because in the end, the system truly does not care about anything but making money.
So, what is the answer? That seems to be the million dollar question. I point out Grant’s hypocrite behavior then I let it go. I am still his mom and have a job to show him the difference between right and wrong. Sometimes, I think he is so brainwashed he truly knows only one thing, and that is making dad happy. I don’t dwell too much, I drop it and go on spending fun quality time with them during the little time I have with them.
Thank you so much!!! It helps knowing I’m not alone. Grant is now lying to me about getting my texts and “not knowing” when I tried to call even though Kristy told me he was on the phone and refused to get off so she could call me.
The problem with me no longer trying to call would , in the broken system’s eyes, give the impression that I do not wish to communicate with my children and hurt me when I am drug to court yearly.
All I ask is a couple of minutes of their time to hear their voice and hear about their day. My conversations with Grant range from 2-7 minutes when I do talk to him.
They are hit over the head with Bible verses and “showing” that they are good Christians, while I try to teach them that good Christians not only talk, but also choose good behaviors. This includes telling the truth and showing respect to others.
I hear so many mothers with exes who show these narcissistic characteristics tell their children it is ok to act as though they do not like their mom while at dad’s, in order for the child’s life to be easier and have less conflict. I don’t know if I agree with this. Sometimes in life, you have to choose to take the less popular road in order to do the right thing. We are teaching our children this in school when it comes to bullies, yet the opposite when bullied by a parent? I think this is a confusing message to send.
They lied in the beginning to make dad happy and look where it got me. He will not be happy until I am walking down the street barefoot with nothing but a potato sack around me. He will continue to be relentless in his pursuit to convince the court to completely take them from me, and the broken system will continue to listen to the gas lighting, the projecting and the mirroring because in the end, the system truly does not care about anything but making money.
So, what is the answer? That seems to be the million dollar question. I point out Grant’s hypocrite behavior then I let it go. I am still his mom and have a job to show him the difference between right and wrong. Sometimes, I think he is so brainwashed he truly knows only one thing, and that is making dad happy. I don’t dwell too much, I drop it and go on spending fun quality time with them during the little time I have with them.
Well that got a little lengthy. I had many paragraphs but it all got smushed together. Hope it’s not too confusing. lol.
Omg I don’t know how you cope. He needs dropping in a vat of hot Oil. I don’t have this crap with Stanley but Al has it with his ex. Everything is a struggle. Sending hugs.
Thanks CM, I drink wine by the box, I don’t even bother with bottles. Giggle. Please give Al hugs for me. Someday…..we will have peace. Our exes never will. That is what keeps me going.
I don’t have this problem with my exhusband. We share custody and parenting time and the kids are free to call and receive calls at anytime. My oldest spends most of her time at her dads, but is constantly texting or snapchatting me. I do make it a habit of asking what they are doing when I call and if it is having dinner, I ask them to call me back. I also try to keep it short.
My husbands exwife is the same as your ex. Her phone only works when it benefits her. We have their son call her every night when he’s with us. If he has a mom question, I hand him my phone or he can use the land line. The funny thing is that I’ve only called her three times and they were all emergencies that she needed to hear. The 100+ other calls from my phone are from her son. She’s never once picked up. Always lets it go to voicemail. My ex doesn’t call her to talk to their son anymore. She only has the cell phone and she never lets him through. Never a good time and impossible to schedule one ahead of time. He just gave up. It is impossible for me to understand her. Surely she is capable of seeing that she’s created a one way street. Does she think that she could survive in a world where she was treated that way?
It is just so sad how bitterness hurts children, period. Thanks, Jenny. 🙂
100 calls from the husbands new wife seems unnecessarily hurtful or provocative. I don’t know the background but I don’t know many women who would appreciate that. Get the child his own number use dads phone use a landline. Build trust and respect, for the children. Everybody heals differently but I’m sure she didn’t visualize coparenting with you, let her grow into that. A little sensitivity…
My exhusband is similarly manipulative with the phone–he makes the girls feel like they have to “talk to him long enough” to satisfy his emotional needs, but when they are with him and the girls call me, they have to “talk short,” because they “see mommy all the time.” He has since stopped saying things like tha topenly to them, but I can feel the pressure when they’re on the phone with me. I also support phone calls and do not set a time limit (and i also throw up a little in my mouth).
I try not to let it bother me, but it does…even though i know that’s how he wins, by making me upset, but at least he doesn’t see it, and more importantly, at least the children don’t… <3 hang in there! you are one brave mom.
Jane, thanks for your comment. The pressure bothers me, too. We just need to focus on our healing and on positive thoughts during that time, so as to not let them win by controlling our emotions. I know I have had enough with being controlled to last me a lifetime. Lol
Change the names for my ex and the stories are identical!!!!!