Call him or wait for him to call you? Text or no text? How long do you wait to text back? What is proper etiquette for meeting/getting to know someone online? It can all be very confusing and send a divorced mom with stress levels already as high as the sky straight to the ASPCA for a box full of cats.
Women can tend to be eensy weensy over-thinkers when it comes to dating. It is very easy to sabotage your dating life before you are even out of the gate.
I am a people watcher, a good listener, and I am very honest when someone asks my opinion. This seems to have turned me into somewhat of a “Dear Abby” to my friends. I have watched co-workers and friends turn themselves into emotional messes over men.
No one is worth that much emotional turmoil. If you find a potential date seems to BRING emotional turmoil, you need to step back and assess the situation for possible red flags.
Sometimes, when Dane and I have nothing going on the next day, we will have a “drinking” night together….437 miles apart. This includes wine on my side, beer on his, and lots of texts and calls, anything to feel a little closer. We usually laugh and talk about silly things. Tonight, we have been talking about dating disasters, and what NOT to do.
It all started with a conversation we had about a friend of mine. She chases guys to such extremes, they run the other direction as fast as they can. I have told her she appears desperate and this is why they lose interest, but something in her just provokes her to keep up the pursuit long after the interest fades.
This led to a conversation about dating. By the end, Dane had me laughing so hard I was crying.
AND SO…here are our ways to drive someone away. I will start with mine.
1. First and foremost, not “getting” what you mean to the guy. Meaning…(to quote Toby Keith) “ I’m not talking about hookin’ up or hangin’ out, I’m just talkin’ about tonight” kinda guys. KNOW if they are just looking for fun or “locking down forever.”
If you do not have the same goal in mind, it will not work and move on quickly before you embarrass yourself. Been there, done that. I had some mending to do after a couple of those when I thought I could handle the “hook up” guy and keep myself from emotionally going too deep. Emotions eventually got the best of me when the guys kept coming back for more, and I ended up hurt, even though I knew better.
2. Whatever you do, do NOT get clingy. It’s just plain pathetic. Attentive and clingy are two different things. Guys do not like clingy girls. EVER.( Unless they have a personality disorder.) If you find yourself asking the same guy out, or trying to talk him into dating you, just go slap yourself, and do some inner work on self respect before you go back into the dating world. If you are chasing him, he is not into you, period. If you do not respect yourself, he will never respect you either. Guys worth dating like the mystery. Leave him wanting more. Flirt then pull back just a little. Tease him then walk away. Leave him wanting more of you, or at the very least, thinking about you. Let him wait a little while before texting him back, or returning his call. Do not be his beckon call girl…I’m sure he is not Richard Gere. If you have dated a few times and you feel him pulling back, then you should as well. DO NOT FIND A CUTE (pathetic) REASON TO TEXT HIM. He will see right through it. Everyone nowadays has a past, and moving slow is worth it when you find the right person. For further on this, watch THE UGLY TRUTH. That movie is so very true. This leads to…
3. Moving too fast. RARELY do marriages last when everything is accomplished in a year. True commitment comes from within, not a piece of paper. “ I just love the thought of being married and I want to get married again” is not a way to approach every man you date. If either of you are in the need to rush to the alter, ask yourself a really big…… WHY?? (red flags will often appear after you do) If you see no problem with it, research “co-dependency” or chances are, you could find yourself in the arms of a monster.
4. First impressions are crucial. Dress how you would like him to view you. If he is Mr. Right Now, wear that too tight short skirt and stilettos with your cleavage hanging all out, because that is how he will view you. If he is someone you would like to keep around, again, self respect goes a long way. Good men like a little left to the imagination. They really do like the librarian/stripper, but saving the latter for just the two of you. He wants to be proud of being seen with you in public. Don’t dress like a nun or like you just left your pole.
5. Talking about your ex or kids too much can push him away fast. Most divorced parents love their kids and hate their exes. Get to really know each other before bringing in the baggage. A friend told me just last week how he and a past girlfriend broke up because the kids and ex came into the picture too fast, and the ex then started alienating the kids against the mom for dating although they had been divorced a year…. to the point where my friend had enough, and ended the relationship.
6. Drama. Most men do not like drama and get burned out on it fast. Yes, be yourself, but before blowing up over him using your shower scrunchie or crying for days over something that will not matter a year from now, consider if YOU would want to deal with someone constantly on an emotional roller coaster. I know I cannot even handle drama from my bestest girlfriends for very long.
I asked Dane for his input on how women can drive men away. One of the things that made me fall in love with him is his sense of humor. Here is Dane’s top ten list of “What NOT To Say/Do” from his perspective. ( If you would like a mental picture of Dane before viewing his list, listen to Brad Paisley’s “I’m still a guy.”) Some of these make me wonder exactly where he used to meet women.
1. ( Dane’s number one way to get a guy to never call you back, took a few minutes to get out of him, due to the long pause. ) “No, that’s not lube in the video I just sent you, it’s yeast infection cream.” ……when I did not ask for any video. I also get turned off real quick if we are just talking and you start sending me naked selfies. Have some self respect but if you are sending them anyway, make sure your toddler is out of the frame.
2. “So, since we have been on 2 dates, should I tell my fuck buddy I won’t see him anymore?” Nope, not at all because I won’t be asking you out again. There is such a thing as TMI for a guy, too.
3. Don’t ask to borrow my truck to move before we have even gone out on a date.
4. It’s ok to be vulnerable. I like taking care of you, but don’t call me 15 times in 10 minutes if I don’t answer. Don’t blow up my phone with texts, either. If I am interested, I will get back with you when I am not busy.
5. I had a problem with my ex wife cheating on me with two different guys, (one being my cousin) , so yes, I DO have a problem if you still live with your ex or declare you are best friends and co-habitate whenever he comes to town to visit.
6. “So what if I slept in bed with another guy when we were drunk? He is GAY.” I’m sorry I have standards. You would have a problem if I slept in bed with ANY female.
7. If I don’t text you back for days, there is a hint there. Please take it, and don’t keep texting and calling.
8. If we are in public and you see an ex, please be an adult and simply act like you don’t see him. Don’t act like a child and scrunch down in the seat or hide.
9. If you are going to lie and say you are too sleepy to see me, make sure you don’t pocket call me on the way home from the bars.
10. I am going to lose interest real fast if you are constantly trying to “fix” me, turn me into someone I’m not, or just overall bitchy all the time. I am not broken, I am who I am, and I have to deal with enough assholes, I don’t want to constantly come home to one.
These are also his top reasons why he chose to start dating older women. Even though we are almost 10 years apart, he declares he is deeply content with our relationship and what we have together…although part of me just wonders if I am the first normal woman he has ever met.
It is not all that difficult to be an appealing date and keep him coming back for more. It is also easy to sabotage your dating life and wonder why men lose interest. If you have been struggling, hopefully you have some new insight, if not, hopefully you had a good laugh.