Those of us divorced from and trying to co-parent with a narcissist can be left emotionally drained much of the time. I often try to change my mood around imagining him saying something selfless and with his entire focus on the kids. For a moment…imagine it with me….something…selfless…from your narcissist.
See? You just giggled too. Never ever ever ever gonna happen. We married them, so now we are stuck dealing with them until our children turn 18. Yes, we were suckers, but that doesn’t mean we need to stay exactly where they want us, which is scared, lonely, anxious, and depressed. We are women, and we are strong. God made us women and gave us this challenge for a reason.
I will never understand why, all I can do is try my hardest to heal and thrive because when this is all over and my kids are 18, I will be completely free. Free to be happy, and live my life without ever thinking of him again, and Ted will always be miserable in his hell. He created it, and he will never leave.
And so, with my fondness of the ever popular list, I thought I would make my own.
Drum roll, please…
WORDS MY NARCISSIST EX-HUSBAND WILL NEVER SAY
Please, feel free to jump in and add to the list. We can all sit around with our glasses of wine and giggle together.
1. Thank you (and mean it, and it doesn’t count if you just gave into an unfair deal or demand)
2. Sure! I will switch you parenting time so you can go to work
3. I receive the child support, so let me pay or contribute for new clothes, coats, meds, school projects and dance class.
4. Oh!! The story I told everyone didn’t actually happen that way? I am SO sorry! It is all MY fault. I will tell everyone the real story (if there is one).
5. I truly want to stay out of court. Let’s work out this problem and truly compromise because the kids will be the real winners.
6. I will never bash, put down or discredit your parenting in front of or to the children ever again.
7. I want what is truly fair to our children, you, and me (note the “me” is last! HA!)
8. Let’s put the kids ahead of everything else, including my own agenda.
9. You are important in our children’s lives, let’s work out a fair parenting schedule.
10. I want our children to grow up to be emotionally functional adults, so how can we do this?
11. I will never accuse the children of taking YOUR side because there should never be “sides.”
12. I will respect your time with our children. I will never drill them about time spent with you.
13. I am wrong
14. I will never listen in or record conversations between you and our children.
15. The real truth is…
16. I love our children more than I hate you.
17. I will not use our children as pawns.
18. Our children have the right to love us both equally.
19. Our child is not a trophy and will not be treated as such.
20. My family and I will not stalk you to find out information I can use against you in court
It is my goal to purposefully do the opposite of the list above. I may not be able to choose the path I want my children to take as they grow up, but by giving them as many tools and thoughtful good examples as I can, I will at least know I did everything I could to make them good, thoughtful, giving and contributing members of society.
Oh my Pauline. I’m laughing so hard I’m shaking. Also words my ex would never say. Or if he did say, there would be that weird curve on his smile that means he’s lying, and it would come out in the most condescending tone you ever heard.
Good for you – take the high road and try to do the opposite.
Geez – I meant Bella and said Pauline. Sorry. We all have such similar stories!
Lol. So true, so true. I think there’s a narcissist playbook out there. Helps to have friends who can relate, here.
Your list made me smile.
21. There is only one side in this: our children’s side and if you can’t be on their side then I don’t want to talk to you.
22. I may not pay any child support or any of the other court order financial support for our children but I would love to go ahead and pick them up from school every once in a while since you work and I don’t.
23. I promise to separate our differences from my relationship with our children. I will love them and put them first.
Love your additions!!! Yes! Completely agree!!!
Your list is so true. I hope there are some victims out there who will read it and realize that unfortunately, they are not alone and “closure” and “compassion” are elusive or actually non-existant with a narcissist. Better to heal and never speak to the jerk again!! Oh, if only.
The most common thing I used to hear when I would remind him of something he had said or done in the past that he didn’t want to own up to was, “You must be confusing me with someone else”…
My mother is wrong . . . .
My husband left me after a very long term marriage of 36 years only 3 years ago. Devasted, hurt and feeling like the floor beneath me gave way, and hit over the head witha brick, I began the process of analyzing my entire relationship with my now ex.
Thinking all along that my husband was just goal orientated, severely type A personality and serious, I dealt with the condescending attitude for decades, only to have many “Aha” moments during my quiet times alone after he left me. The book “Runaway Husbands” truly saved my life with the clearer understanding of the type of person I married– someone who can never say they are sorry, show remorse, compassion and empathy towards others.
After reading the book “Freeing Yourself From The Narcissist In Your Life”, with a deeper understanding that these people, narcissists- will suck the life out of you, take whatever you give them, and then disgard you without notice. A marriage with a narcissist is “not a true union but a one-sided business deal” states the author, and this is so true. I gave my heart, soul and spirit to a person who cannot show true love, used me, neglected me and even our own 2 sons, one who is mentally disabled and who he will not have any contact with to this day. Brakes my heart, but I have to move past it.
At age 60 years old, I never thought I would be in this place, alone, sad yet more aware of the toxic people to stay away from.