In the aptly named paper “Go Long! Predictors of Positive Relationship Outcomes in Long-Distance Dating Relationships”, the research indicates couples in long-distance relationships experience more “intimacy, communication, and satisfaction”.
How can that be, I wonder. I’ve been in two serious long-distance relationships. One failed big-time as I grew used to not having my love in my life. The second is this marriage where we’re half on, half off most of the time and on very shaky ground all of the time. If history repeats itself, I’ll get used to not having Husband #2 around pretty soon. Shouldn’t he and I be strengthening our relationship with this wide distance between us, as the paper suggests? And why is it that most long-distance relationships fail?
Ah, but here’s the caveat that answers my burning questions…
In order to “succeed”, the two participants in the long-distance love affair have to recognize the distance problem and actively work to prevent the miles from coming between them. Faced with a common goal of wanting the relationship to survive and recognizing the problem of distance, the two partners increase their efforts to maintain what is lost by not seeing each other regularly. They work together as a team.
This explains why I don’t feel the increased intimacy, communication or satisfaction with our current separation.
Once while in a frustrated state, I blurted out to Husband #2 that I was giving our relationship my very best effort. I followed up with a question to him, “Are you giving it your best effort?”
“No. I’m just letting things progress naturally and seeing what happens.”
Arghh! Arghh! And double ARGGGGHHHHHHH!
“Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
Thank you, Mr. Santayana. I think I’ll go and pound my head against a wall somewhere…. Wait! Not that one. I just painted it.
Actually, I didn’t get frustrated. Instead I was sad. Kind of like the sadness that you feel when you see someone heading for disaster but you realize you can’t stop them. The sadness I felt was for a loss that I can see coming.
I’ve learned something valuable from my past. Without nourishment and effort, my long-distance relationships wither on the vine like grapes without water. Just the other day I was watching a nature show on gorillas. The male gorilla has to go around to each female in the group and engage in sex every day or else the female gorillas will lose interest and wander off to find a more interested male. Hmmm. Perhaps I’m like a female gorilla (ok, if I don’t shave my legs for few days the similarities really start to show)… Maybe I need the men in my life to be interested in me. Maybe I’m not content to try and try and try (unsuccessfully) to win someone’s attention…to prove to them that I am a worthy partner.
And then every once in a while a bit of enlightenment happens.
The book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Towsend was recommended to me by Cathy Meyer. I’ve purchased the book but not started it yet. On a whim, I asked Husband #2 if he would be interested in reading it with me, as part of our individual journeys in self-discovery. This time, he said yes and bought his own copy yesterday. I’m not sure yet if he did this a) to make me happy or b) out of genuine interest. Either way, I asked that we discuss the book only from our own vantage point and not as a finger-pointing excursion. In other words, I can only address what I see in me and he can only address what he sees in him. There will be no “you are just like THIS” going on.
Is this an exception in our relationship? Yes. I will make sure to thank Husband #2 for his willingness to participate in our two person book club.
Thanks for your honest post. I can easily become so involved in my life that I don’t make the time or effort to nurture the intimacy in my relationships. Although it seems mechanical, I need to block out time and plan actions that nurture my relationship. Perhaps after doing this for a while, I can feel more connection and eventually he will reciprocate. Right now, I have to keep the eye on my own behaviors to see what I can am willing to change and modify. Thanks again this is a topic I need to address in my own life.
Thanks for your honest post. I can easily become so involved in my life that I don’t make the time or effort to nurture the intimacy in my relationships. Although it seems mechanical, I need to block out time and plan actions that nurture my relationship. Perhaps after doing this for a while, I can feel more connection and eventually he will reciprocate. Right now, I have to keep the eye on my own behaviors to see what I can am willing to change and modify. Thanks again this is a topic I need to address in my own life.
It’s really tough to be in a long distance relationship. I did it for 4 years. There were some very lonely and frustrating times. What helped us is my boyfriend always reminded me of the ‘big picture’ and why we were apart and how fast time will go. We’ve been living together now for almost 5 years and we kept all of our letters (and memories) of our long distance. One thing that was good about it is we each had our own lives but were still very in love. This helped me in my going through my divorce and regaining independence. SO, hang in there and if it’s true love it WILL work out! That book looks fabulous and I am putting it on my to read shelf!
It’s really tough to be in a long distance relationship. I did it for 4 years. There were some very lonely and frustrating times. What helped us is my boyfriend always reminded me of the ‘big picture’ and why we were apart and how fast time will go. We’ve been living together now for almost 5 years and we kept all of our letters (and memories) of our long distance. One thing that was good about it is we each had our own lives but were still very in love. This helped me in my going through my divorce and regaining independence. SO, hang in there and if it’s true love it WILL work out! That book looks fabulous and I am putting it on my to read shelf!