Feeling insignificant

I’m having a hard time today…especially with feeling insignificant.

It’s been a month since Husband #2’s departure.  He cam back for a week over the 4th of July to fulfill a business requirement and spend some time with me.  Our week together went very well, with meaningful time in each others’ company, “I love you” statements, and working together to meet goals.

All wrapped up with a big “the next time I come out I’ll have divorce papers” bow.

He wanted me to continue to email him after he left.  With the desire to treat him like a confidant and best friend, that I would unburden my soul to him and he would help me heal.

I drew my line in the sand.  As long as divorce was on the table I would not feel comfortable giving my soulful confessions to him.  I would continue to email with him only if he took divorce off the table for 2 months.  Then we could re-evaluate the situation after the two months had passed.  Just an arbitrary period of time to give him an opportunity to see the new me without the constant threat of divorce hanging over my head. It would give me the chance to relax and not be on edge every time he contacted me.

Otherwise, I would have to cut contact with him for the next two months.

Husband #2’s choice was no contact.  OK, not what I had hoped but I’ll honor his decision.  I can give him his space, he can give me mine.

The first half of the no contact period has passed. I wonder if Husband #2 misses me.

For a while before he left at the beginning of the year, I felt insignificant to him.  I mentioned in our marriage therapy sessions about feeling that I was not a priority to him, that other people and things were higher on his list than I was.  He admitted it.  I wasn’t as important.  I didn’t rank #1, #2, or #3.  I’m not sure I even made the Top 20.  No wonder I felt invisible.

We didn’t start out that way.  In the beginning I was his #1 priority.  Over time, I just evolved — or devolved — to being of less importance.  It was a pain that I lived with but I always had hope that things would change and I would evolve to a higher status again.  After all, nothing stays the same…not even bad situations.

Back to the present day and my feeling insignificant.

My irrational side occasionally hijacks me.  With no contact, Crazy Brain is telling me that Husband #2 is living the good life and is doing just fine without me.  He doesn’t miss me.  I don’t mean anything to him.  He’s replacing me just as easily as can be with other people.  All the things I did for him, especially around the business are being handled flawlessly by others who have more knowledge, time, and patience.  Essentially, Crazy Brain is working overtime and telling me that I don’t matter.  Not now, not in the past.

I’m letting Crazy Brain run for a while.  Not because I believe it, but because it helps me to understand my big fears:

*I’m not important

*I have nothing of value to offer

*I’m unlovable

*I am replaceable

*I am insignificant

All of these self-defeating messages are surfacing and I’m listening to them.

Why?!?  Why would I subject myself to this down talk?  Because these are the things I tell myself deep in the corners of my dark soul.  These are the things I need to address.  These are the untruths that I can pull into the light and eventually banish.

If I don’t listen to them now, when they are screaming at me, how will I ever hear and identify them when they whisper quietly…and just as dangerously?