I am not blameless in the death of Marriage #2. My irrational and destructive emotional side is alive and well and working overtime 24/7 to make sure that I repeat the same mistakes again and again until I learn from them. I’m selfish, immature, controlling, and power-seeking. But I’m not evil. In fact, everyone has these same traits, so I’m in good company.
In my own destructive way, I purposely destroy my relationships.
I became a score keeper. Competition turned our relationship into a battle of one-upmanship. We turned from “we” into “what will you do for me”.My goal for the future is to build a solid relationship on sacrifice and caring, not power and control.
I turned into a fault finder. I obsessed over flaws and imperfections rather than stressing the value of Husband #2. My goal for the future is to listen more. Understand better. Find the good.
I think it’s my way or the highway. By becoming self-righteous, I sent the message “I am better than you”. My goal is to find my own short comings and faults. Wait and actively listen to the whole point of view. Neither one is right or wrong. We just have different opinions.
I turn into an attack dog. I send the message, “I want to hurt you”. My goal is to take a timeout, get back in control, and don’t say things that I will regret later. I will no longer stoop to pushing my husband’s buttons.
I rarely forgive. Holding on to anger builds a wall around me. I wanted anger to protect me from hurt, frustration, and fear. My new goal is to be open and vulnerable. I know that I will be hurt, frustrated, and afraid but only by opening myself up will I get a chance at emotional intimacy.
I am insecure. I want to feel needed, wanted, loved, and accepted. I fear being rejected and abandoned. My goal is to speak positively to myself. I will find the good in me. I will ignore when others try to push my buttons and poke my insecurities. I will recognize my insecurities and take away their impact.
I got comfortable in my relationship. I never took the risk to share what was inside of me, my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my love. My goal for the future is to speak up about my dreams and hopes. I will make them a priority NOW rather than putting someone else’s dream before mine. We can do your dream AND my dream. They are not mutually exclusive. I will be assertive and demand equal treatment.
I shut down. I got to the point I thought this was all it could be. It was as good as it was going to get. I gave up hope. In the future I will recognize opportunities to rejuvenate my relationships. I will notice positive changes in my husband. I will thank him for his participation and attention. I will be the change. I will be hopeful. I will return to my core, my authentic self. I have a happy person inside who is fighting to come out again.
As part of my growing up, I fully accept all of my bad behaviors. They are not pretty and they are not welcome here. Now that I know who they are I can tame them and minimize their roles in my life.
They will no longer control me.
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