I’ve been to see Husband #2 again. We met last weekend in a neutral location not here or there but somewhere in between. These trips are little touch points to rediscover each other and we treat it almost like a date. Plus it’s just fun to see new parts of the country that neither of us has seen before. We like to explore.
This time we met in a small tourist town with wineries, micro breweries, casual restaurants, and quaint inns. The little town was located along the river with scenic views, old buildings, and charm to spare. It was still a little chilly but walking arm in arm helped us to keep warm.
We were in our room at the bed and breakfast having a semi-serious conversation about happiness when Husband #2 said, “I’m going to stop reading your blog. It disturbs me.”
A little taken back, I asked him why. My goal has always been to speak of Husband #2 in a respectful light and instead, look to my own actions and issues for what brought us to the brink of divorce. Finger-pointing is not allowed in my new life.
His declaration of being bothered by my blog had me puzzled.
When I asked him why he found my blog disturbing he didn’t have an answer.
I’m not going to make any guesses. Nor am I going to point fingers at Husband #2. His opinion is his own. It’s not right or wrong, just his view of the world (or my blog’s part in it).
The only comment he made was that he understood I was writing for my audience. This came across as if he believed I was pandering to my readers.
Scratching my head back at home, I’ve reread my posts since the beginning and the only thing I can come up with is that I write what I feel at the time. My purpose has been to use my blog as an avenue of growth and healing for one person only…me. My friend and mentor, Cathy Meyer, encouraged me to write for DivorcedMoms. She thought others would be educated by my journey, as I’m right in the middle of the demise of my relationship. She knew, from being there during my first divorce, I would be painfully honest about how much this situation sucks (and that’s putting it very mildly). I hope that others find my blog helpful but deep down inside, this blog is mainly for me to get through a difficult phase of my life. I have no grand illiusions of becoming a mega-blogger. I just want to keep myself from melting down.
I’m not having a Happy Divorce. I’m having a crappy one. All divorces are crappy no matter how “friendly” they appear on the surface. Each divorce brings with it a death of the future that was dreamt about when saying those faith-filled words, “I do”. I’m dealing with that death and doing the best I can to find my silver linings.
Maybe that’s what disturbs Husband #2? The silver linings…but I doubt it. I really don’t know enough about him to even make a guess. For years he’s hidden who he is from me and I doubt I ever knew the real man inside.
And maybe that’s what bothers him – the realization that I can’t be placated any more by a shiny façade. Now I can see through the charm and pretty face and no longer succumb to flattery. I have dreams and goals and have no room for time wasters. I’m not asking for much, just honesty and openness and truthfulness from the people who I surround myself with these days.
I don’t mind if Husband #2 reads my blog or not. Every word I type on these pages are the same words I would tell him to his face. Maybe with a little more inflection and passion, but I wouldn’t put anything here that I wouldn’t tell him in person.
I know the time will come when I’ll sit down face to face and have a hard discussion with my conflict-avoiding Husband. That discussion will revolve around his decision to leave and his actions and our futures going forward. And maybe the idea of that honest conversation is what disturbs him.
Plus it could be the comments. Your readers don’t hold back either. Your blog is your journey. If he is disturbed then he shouldn’t read it, just like he said.
Cuckoo, thanks for your comment now go kisss that Luvah! 🙂
I hear you on writing for yourself. Blogging has helped me to keep my sanity and work through a number of issues I’ve been having.
Perhaps though, as you are gaining insight into your relationship, you’re also gaining some insight into hubby #2 – possibly some revalations that he himself wasn’t aware of or ready to acknowledge and that’s what’s making him uncomfortable.
Although, I must admit, I’ve been somewhat uncomfortable allowing my own hubby to read my blog and admittedly, there are some topics I’ve strayed away from because of that. (He does read my blog regularly, as I want to be open and honest with him – that was a big issue with my ex). But I feel sometimes like in blogging, I’m baring my soul – a part of me that I’m not comfortable revealing to anyone – even him. Maybe not even me.
~ Liv
Very deep, Liv. Deep down we all fear those dark spots we hide from each other. And ourselves.