There’s been a lot of talk on my Twitter feed about women and sex lately. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I want sex.
The typical stereotype has women as the ones proclaiming, “no, I have a headache” and turning away from a good romp in bed. In my experience, this is completely false. I’m talking about this taboo subject so that other women who find themselves sex-starved will understand that it’s not their fault.
During my marriage to Husband #1, I begged, pleaded, bargained, and did everything short of selling my soul to get a little action. My sex life was completely at his mercy and I learned early on that “not in the mood” on my part wasn’t an option. I had to be ready, when ever, where ever, because there was no guarantee of a next time. As he repeatedly told me, “I just don’t need sex as much as you do.” I had married an asexual man…my own version of Al Bundy.
The scary thing about these stereotypes is that they lead us lusty women to believe we’re some sort of abnormality. How dare I want sex? What do I mean 5 times a year isn’t enough? And what is this craziness of expecting it on our anniversary? It turns out I was not alone. Knowing others were out there with the same problem helped me to endure my sexless marriage.
If you ever want to open up a huge barrel of hurt, talk to lonely women who are married to men with no sex drives. Add to that the extra pain of rejection when these brave women do try to reach out and initiate. We’ve been taught by society that wanting sex means we’re somehow loose, trampy sex addicts and that means we’re less than worthy of love and respect. Internalize, internalize, internalize.
It turns out that the problem is so prevalent that Michele Weiner-Davis, founder of the website DivorceBusting, wrote an entire book on the subject called The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He’s Lost Desire. (Read a little Q&A here) On my part, this was such an important issue for me, I had a sex negotiation with Husband #2 before we were married to make sure I didn’t end up in another non-sexual relationship.
So here it is. I want sex. And when the time comes, the next guy I sleep with better be ready for me. I’ll want him to be just as lusty, horny, and ready for action as I am. And if he needs a bottle full of his little blue friends to help him out, all the better. I really want to see what a 4 hour erection is like.