If you’re married to someone who is in the throes of a Midlife Crisis, I have a huge hug for you. It’s not easy and you probably have pulled out your own hair while spending many sleepless nights finding out as much as you could via the internet. Poor baby. I know. I’ve been there. You are not alone.
Husband #1 was nice enough to go through his midlife crisis while we were both in our 30’s. I appreciate him for starting it early so that I could get on with my life without him. At least he gave me a decade’s head start.
I think Husband #2 is in a midlife crisis of sorts right now. I hear the same type of statements from him as I did from Husband #1, even down to the career change to a menial job. Talk of not being able to live his own life, never loving again, being true to himself, etc.
Here’s my advice to anyone who is caught up in the confusion and turmoil that accompanies a midlife crisis:
- Work on yourself
- Separate your finances
- Find supportive friends
- Cut all contact
These are hard things to consider, especially if you’ve built a lifetime together. But right now the person that you are married to is no longer the person that you used to know. Consider them a stranger that will have an affair, drain your bank account, and walk all over you at every turn. Your primary goal is self-preservation and that means drawing some lines in the sand.
Work on yourself
It may sound selfish but now is the time for you to concentrate on YOU. Do some things that you weren’t able to do prior to the meltdown. Take a cooking class, paint a room a color you always wanted, learn a language. Do anything you can to discover your authentic self and keep your mind off of your spouse’s antics. When you fill your life up with fun for you and lots of self-love, you’ll find that their actions don’t hurt you as much. You’ll learn to be your own person and love who you are. And that means not relying on their approval for your measure of worthiness.
Separate your finances
Your midlife crisis spouse will do things that you would have never imagined them doing. This includes quitting jobs, draining bank accounts, taking on new debt, and cashing in retirement funds. If you are going to have a chance in surviving the financial fall-out, you need to get your name off of anything joint that will drag you down. It’s imperative that you separate your finances. Credit cards in both your names? Yes, you can see the flowers he’s buying for his new fling, but then you’ll end up being responsible for the payment. He starts writing bad checks or taking out loads of money from the ATM? Don’t let his bad decisions ruin your credit. If your state recognizes them, get a separation agreement in place outlining who is responsible for what and also any support payments that are to take place.
Find supportive friends
I don’t mean that every person on the block needs to know you’re story. You should identify 1-3 friends that are worthy of hearing your woes. They are the level-headed empathizers who will tell you when you’re on the right path and who will also smack you on the nose when you’re on the wrong path. Avoid people who simply want to badmouth your spouse. Instead, find people who genuinely care and are great problem solvers. You need support…not a bunch of negative talk.
Cut all contact
As much as you might still love your midlife crisis spouse, they are not good for you right now. Cutting contact allows you to get a little breathing room between you and the barrage of fault-finding that your spouse is hitting you with on a daily (if not hourly) basis. In my experience I can tell you two things with certainty:
- It’s not all your fault.
- It’s not all their fault.
Don’t take on more blame than you deserve. If they don’t have you to rebel against, they will find another target. Remember, in their eyes, the life they had is responsible for all of their unhappiness. If you take yourself out of the mix, the unhappiness remains. it’s just that you’re not causing it anymore.
My heart goes out to anyone in this position. it’s a confusing time and it feels as if your whole world is falling apart. The bad news is, things can’t get any worse. The good news is, things can only go up from here. You are stronger than you know.
Thank you. As someone who has lived through this with my ex-wife, I can say with certainty that this is excellent advice. I not so sure that I would have heeded it myself two years ago when my wife had her mid-life crisis, but in hindsight I can honestly say that those in the middle of it now should seriously consider the advice offered here.
My ex-husband claimed to be having a midlife crisis, too, but it was a cop-out. He didn’t want to own the guilt and shame of his affairs. All those personality changes? Yeah, I was just finally seeing the real guy I married. He was never anything more than an actor.
I disagree with words ‘it is not your fault’. You had time to date him and to get to know him, right? Didn’t you see red flags back then? I understand we make mistakes, but after a failed marriage # 1 what you should have done is to go to counselor and try to figure out why you picked that particular loser man. What attracted you to that kind of personality?
I assume you did not do your homework and since life is a b*tch and serves us the same cold dish if we do not learn your second marriage ended up the way it was destined to end…. Failed marriage #2.
Again, in your mind, it was not your fault. YOU picked the guy, you married him and now it is not your fault. Hmm… Something tells me that if you were to marry 3-rd time your marriage would fail again .
So, what you’re basically saying is that people go out and pick a man or woman they know is going to be a bad spouse? Is that right? Do you seriously believe that? Women don’t purposefully pick a loser. If you believe that, you need a bit more education and knowledge in the area of relationships. You’re the one who has not done their homework! You’re responding to a post about midlife crisis as if that is something that can be predicted during the dating phase of a relationship. Please, your lack of knowledge on the subject matter is making you look foolish.
I’m just trying to dispel the myth of the “midlife crisis.”
Divorcedmoms.com:
Please learn about frontotemporal dementia, a common, under-recognized, young-onset dementia that is often wrongly called a “midlife crisis” or misdiagnosed as a psychiatric disorder.
This type of dementia destroys morals, empathy and inhibitions NOT memory or intellect so it goes undetected as a brain disease. The hypersexuality component leads people with the disease to seek out prostitutes and start affairs. The disease destroys the loving connection to their family and old friends. Some of these guys simply abandon their families never to be seen again. More signs of the disease are bad judgment, excessive drinking, unrestrained spending, restlessness and irritability.
Please get the word out to your readers that if their middle-age spouses undergo a dramatic and disturbing behavioral change they need to see a neurologist.
Help us also inform family courts about this horrific disease. People with the disease have no empathy and should not have custody of the children. People with the disease also will not honor their obligations to the family and stop paying child support and alimony. Most get fired a few years after the divorce due to poor job performance or inappropriate behavior.
Alzheimer’s is NOT the only type of dementia.
Althea, I had a friend who died at 56 from FTD. I’m aware of what it is and the symptoms. Someone in a midlife crisis doesn’t have speech issues or comprehensive issues, problems with balance or memory loss. Midlife crisis causes a lack of empathy and irrational behavior but not the symptoms of FTD. As I said, I have a friend who died from it. There was a world of difference between what she went through and what my ex went through during his midlife crisis.