Recovering From a Failed Relationship? Don’t do These Things

I’m not content to sit and do nothing when my life is in crisis.

My Myers-Briggs personality write-up states in black and white if there is a catastrophe or crisis, I’m the type of individual you want in your arsenal.  And once the problem is solved, or managed, I’ll hand over the reigns to another for maintenance.

Sure, I’ll take what I consider to be an appropriate amount of time to huddle in the corner licking my wounds.  When Husband #2 left, I spent a couple of weeks on the couch watching romantic comedies, vengeance films, and full seasons of Downton Abbey. And listening to my breakup music. There’s lots of insomnia and crying and no showering for a while.

But my life doesn’t stop moving forward…

Eventually the “kick it into gear” part of me scratches its way to the surface, takes a long hot shower, picks up all the Kleenex, and starts looking for solutions to implement. Usually that process takes place with lots and lots of reading. I’m not one to reinvent the wheel and figure I can learn more, faster, from people who have been through a similar experience. I have a Self-Help section in my room-length library.

And there is always new information available.

Thank you, internet! Now I have a wealth of self-improvement articles and objectives at my fingertips 24/7. What did troubled souls do in the old days before the technology existed to post life suffering on the web? Oh, yeah, they wrote books. Now it’s blogs, like this one.

Healing is one of those illusive concepts that everyone tells you to do but no one tells you how to do it. You’re instructed to “move through the pain”. What does that mean exactly? I’m more into practical instruction.

While perusing the Oprah site looking for ways to empower myself (that woman is all about helping me live my best life!), I found an article dealing with betrayal. Written by Leigh Newman, Deepak Chopra: 7 Things to Do When You’ve Been Betrayed (and 7 Not to Do). I noticed that while the piece was dedicated to any sort of betrayal it was chock full of information for healing. Now we’re talking!

While it pays to be positive, sometimes we all need our hands slapped a little when we engage in destructive behavior. So break out the imaginary ruler. I’m about to wrap on your emotional knuckles for a bit.

Specifically, these are the no-no’s if you want to heal.

1. DON’T dwell obsessively on how you were wronged (playing the role of victim won’t serve anyone)
2. DON’T turn your pain into an ongoing drama (friends don’t let friends become drama queens)
3. DON’T act erratic and scattered, with no plan for getting better (figure out what you want to become and then take the steps to get you there)
4. DON’T mourn over your loss forever (it’s ok to cry in the corner, just don’t let it become your final destination)
5. DON’T talk to the wrong people about your woes (you know, the ones who will only agree with you and amplify your resentment. Stick with professionals who can let you vent constructively)
6. DON’T idealize the past (realize there were ups and downs. There are ALWAYS ups and downs. The rollercoaster is a part of life)
7. DON’T let self-pity and regret dominate your state of mind (you’ll take longer to heal)

When you feel yourself going down one of these self-destructive paths, just look straight into the mirror, shake your finger back and forth briskly, and say, “Oh no! Don’t you dare go there! Ain’t nobody got time for that!”