Say my name

Can you say my name?  I can’t.  Not right now.  I don’t know what it is…or should I say, what it will be soon.

I’m traveling through some rough waters this week.  Not the emotional turmoil that I’m used to.  Something more basic.  Who am I?  What is my name?

You see, I’ve been Mrs. Husband #2 for a while now.  I’m used to being called by that surname.  I’m used to signing my checks with that last name.  It’s pretty common…not as common as the likes of being a Smith or Lee.  But very common, like Baker or Johnson.  No one mispronounces it.  It hails from my country of origin, so it feels right.

But with divorce looming, I would change my name back to something I used to be.  If I go back to Mrs. Husband #1, my name will match the kids’ last names.  My work reputation is linked to that old surname.  But it’s hard to pronounce, I have to spell it constantly, and I haven’t been married to Husband #1 for over a decade.  He’s not a person that I want to link myself to, even if it’s only in name.  Our time together has passed.  We are strangers with memories.

If I go back to my maiden name, it will feel odd.  I haven’t been Deja Vow nee Maiden Name for 20 years.  And the spelling is difficult, the pronunciation gets mangled constantly, and I haven’t written it out in decades.  It would take getting used to.

So while I’m struggling with what to call myself, I’m going to crank up the tunes and play Destiny’s Child for a while.  At least I can sing, “Say My Name“.