Let me describe the situation.
In only two months’ time, Husband #1 found a job in a different state, we sold our house, packed everything up and closed on a new place. Just slightly after the last box cleared the ramp of the moving van, Husband #1 moved out, leaving me and the kids alone in a house surrounded by cardboard-encased belongings.
I was without a job, without a husband, without friends, and without support. Conventional advice was to act as if all was ok and be his friend in the hopes of luring my cheating husband back home. Lucky for me, I had someone else whispering in my ear.
Back in those days, when I was without employment and sleep was elusive, I would turn on my computer late at night and visit DivorceBusting. The message boards were alive with others who were struggling with the same issues I currently faced: wayward husbands, walk-away wives, crumbling finances, and everything divorce related. Without the boards, I most likely would have been crushed by the feelings of failure.
I read everything.
I posted often.
I followed the mantras spelled out by Michele Weiner-Davis:
- Do a 180
- Act as-if
- Work on yourself
- Never let them see you struggling
Tucked in between all of those items meant to help one save their marriage was a piece of advice so profound, I share it with anyone I can:
- Strike while the iron is hot
Oddly enough, when someone wants out bad enough, they will agree to pretty much anything to get free. Like chewing off your own arm to escape a bear trap…never realizing that a little patience and thought might lead to opening said trap with a nearby stick. The urge is just too great to invoke logical thought.
For me, my hot iron issue was child support and alimony.
Husband #1 was so wrapped up in his own affair that he didn’t flinch when I told him what I wanted and for how long I wanted it. In a time when alimony is nearly mythical, I got it. And I got it for 5 glorious years.
But more important to me was the child support. You see, this is where I picked up my most valuable piece of advice.
Another woman on the boards was about 12 months further along in the process than I was. She had supported her husband while he attended medical school, put her career on the back burner to support his moves for employment, and worked for him non-gratis while he established his practice.
And then he ousted her.
This woman was well versed in the costs of higher education and student loans. She had funded her husband when they were starting out. She knew the power of having someone in your camp who would help to pay for school. She’d been the SallieMae to his educational endeavors.
Which is why she told me to negotiate for child support that continues through the college years.
You see, most of us think child support has to end when the kid turns 18 or graduates from high school (whichever comes last). In actuality, that’s the worst time to stop getting child support. College starts in the fall and financial aid looks at the prior year’s income. The FAFSA people don’t care if your income is dropping this year, they only know that you claimed $X on last year’s income tax return.
At the time, I wasn’t sure if I should follow through with my plans to ask for alimony and child support. I was afraid that doing so would push me into Bitch Territory. It really didn’t matter, I was already there in Husband #1’s eyes…that’s why he was having an affair!
To my credit, I pushed for alimony for myself and child support for every kid as they attended college. I also pushed for him to carry 100% of their health care coverage. As Son #1 enters his second year of college, I’m glad I listened to the voice of experience.
Thank you, kind stranger, for letting me learn from your experience.
I kind of found the child support through college a bit offensive when it showed up in my ex-wife’s initial position. It was very one sided because she assumed that she’d be the custodial parent and there was no requirement on her part to do anything. Why assume that she’d help voluntarily, but I needed a court order? And why would I pay her and trust that the expense would actually go towards college? My initial thought was I’d be happy to have an agreement that we both paid direct to the child at some pre-agreed level.
In the end, we did address college, but not the way she wanted. We purchase pre-paid college plan, including fees, dorms and meal plan (for the first two years) out of our marital estate (equally). It’s a great deal, locking the costs of college in at today’s rates and so far has esssentially outperfomed all of my other investments. The beauty of it was that it ensured that both parents contributed.
I commend you for coming up with a solution that worked for your situation. I like the idea of the college plan.
When Husband #1 and I split up, he was in the throes of a new relationship and I did not recognize the man who was once trustworthy and good for his word. Surprisingly, his own mother was the one who pushed me to legally lock down support. She later encouraged me to file legal action when child support payments became questionable.
From your comment, I don’t think you’re the type of parent (gender is irrelevant) who would withhold financial payments to hurt the ex-spouse.
Thank you for taking the time to share what worked for you. It’s a great suggestion!
And for what it’s worth, I cover more of the college expenses than Husband #1 does. It’s not a 50/50 split but I will not go back to him for any modification to our agreement for the kids’ support. I can afford to pay my part. I agreed to our settlement and I’m good with it.
If you can afford it, the pre-paid tuition plans are a great deal. Tuition costs have been skyrocketing since the 80’s and show no sign of slowing down. Most states have pre-paid plans and most private schools will honor them as well.
We came to the pre-paid solution because it was a great deal, we had the cash, and because I couldn’t get her to agree to pay anything. Her view was that her contribution would be forwarding my money as her own. It also fit my legal teams risk management negotiating style which favored trading the unsecure for the secure.
If you can afford it, the pre-paid tuition plans are a great deal. Tuition costs have been skyrocketing since the 80’s and show no sign of slowing down. Most states have pre-paid plans and most private schools will honor them as well.
We came to the pre-paid solution because it was a great deal, we had the cash, and because I couldn’t get her to agree to pay anything. Her view was that her contribution would be forwarding my money as her own. It also fit my legal teams risk management negotiating style which favored trading the unsecure for the secure.