I’m excited as I write my first blog post on the newly-launched DivorcedMoms website. I’m also torn. As I sit here pondering what to write, what jewel of inspiration I can pass on to someone else who may be suffering the same turmoil, I wonder if I’m the right person to lean on.
Part of me wishes I didn’t know about this site, that I wouldn’t have anything to contribute, but sadly I am right in the middle of my second divorce, and it hurts. Nothing will uproot your life like a separation and divorce.
Husband #2 finally filed the papers. I’m not exactly sure when. He only told me about filing last week. My guess is that he filed either in late September or early October. The fact that he didn’t tell me about filing sums up our relationship…avoid conflict, wait for things to come to a precipice before sharing vital information.
It’s funny because he wants to see me and we have a long weekend scheduled together in November.
Maybe that’s why he didn’t tell me. Maybe he knew I wouldn’t agree to getting together with him if I had known he filed. So here I am, fulfilling a commitment to go, because that’s who I am inside…reliable Deja Vow.
Reliability is so ingrained in my core that it would actually hurt me more to break my promise than it would be to see him.
So I’m going. But that’s not really what I wanted to tell you today.
I wanted to tell you that I spent the afternoon outside, enjoying the last beautiful weather that will occur in my area for a while, mowing the 1.5 acres I call a lawn. I spent time outdoors in the sun, basking in 70 degree temperatures, getting some exercise in, and realizing that this divorce is just a phase of my life….it will eventually pass, like Summer turns to Autumn and Autumn turns to Winter. Things will get worse before they get better, but I can handle it because the end of the divorce process will come right around Spring.
What a perfect metaphore. I’ll no longer be married right around the time when all of my dormant daffodil bulbs burst forth from a long Winter’s nap. My enduring flowers, and I have hundreds of them around my yard, will stand up to late snowfalls, curious, squirrels, brisk winds, and hardpack clay soil. Somehow they rise again every year and bring joy to my heart.
Life goes on…
I spent my beautiful day outside, knowing the cloud of a pending divorce is hanging over me, and I chose to be present in the beautfiful, blue sky, quiet moment, invested in my positive thoughts and pushing my humming lawn mower back and forth.
Love, hope, inspiration, optimism. Along with my reliability, these characteristics are also a part of my soul. They are in me and make me who I am. I’ll never lose my capacity for loving another person. I’ll always have hope. I’ll continue to find inspiration in myself, others, and the greater world. My optimism will not wain.
Husband #2 may no longer want to be married to me and that’s OK. He’s free to make his own decisions and I won’t hold that against him. I know that I firmly believe in love and marriage and there is someone out there for me, I’m just not ready for him yet. Like my daffodils, I’m patiently waiting, building my root system while embracing my dormancy period, healing from my wounds. And when my Spring comes, I’ll poke out of the hardpack soil of my past and show the world what I’ve become.