The foggy future

I have a foggy future.  I don’t even know what is going on day-to-day.  Some mornings I wake up and all is fine…I feel like I can do anything I put my mind to.  Other days, I feel the uncertainty of the world pushing against me.  Will my job contract extend at the end of the year?  Will I get that full-time position interview?  Will I have enough milk for my breakfast cereal?

Through every day I remain partly joyful with a chance of optimism. Optimism will be my sunshine, my mild weather, my spring shower, my rainbow.

I tell myself to stay put for a while.  There’s no need to change until I feel ready for it.  I can enjoy a bit of uncertainty because I am not planning to save the world.  I only plan to make it through another day holding on to optimism.  It’s OK if nothing earth-shatteringly good happens right now.  I’m happy just quietly holding my own, keeping my emotions in check so I don’t burst out in tears every time I hear a breakup song on the radio.

Maybe a nice earth-shattering winning lottery ticket…  Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a little bit of retirement peace of mind.  And maybe a snazzy new roof for the house.

The end of the two months of silence is coming to a close.  My foggy future doesn’t allow me to see even 6 days into the future.  Will Husband #2 contact me?  Will he even remember the end of the time period?  Is he nervous to hear from me?  Has he even moved forward with divorce papers?  I don’t know and the uncertainty is gnawing at me.

I guess that’s what I’m supposed to learn…how to deal with my impatience.  I’m a fixer and I want to fix things.  I want things resolved, even if it’s not the outcome I would have preferred.

Not the outcome I would have preferred…

What a silly way to say divorce.

My impatient side and I have a little internal battle going on.  It wants things resolved, now.  No matter what the outcome, the “not knowing” is worse than the certainty of divorce.  It whispers to me about Husband #2’s tendency to drag his feet, about his failure to finish, about his impulsive and impetuous ways.  My impatience pushes me to file for divorce myself, just to end the uncertainty of the situation.

And yet my patient side tells me not to hold on, but rather to be still, to be calm, to make decisions from a quiet mind.  She tells me I’m in no hurry so just clear my head and work on other things that can help me improve myself.  She says, “Silly girl, you’re too much of a mess to date anyone now so what is the hurry?  Don’t push for a divorce you don’t want.  Just stay put and let things unfold at their own pace.  Don’t be so wrapped up in wanting to control things.  This one is out of your hands for a while.”

So for the time being, I’ll breathe deep, remain focused on my permanent job search, and maybe I’ll shoot Husband #2 an email just to say, “Hello, I’m still alive” in 6 days.