I answered the phone, “Hello?”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
That’s the way our latest phone call started out. Any casual observer would think they were eavesdropping on a tender conversation between two members of a happily married couple. Heck, sometimes I even get fooled.
The truth is, we’re winding down, in my opinion. Husband #2 is adamant about his desire to stay in the state/town/house he’s living in for at least 2 more years. After that he’s open…as long as it is still in the state where he currently resides. As he put it to me, “I want to be surrounded by things I’m familiar with as I grow older.”
My question to him, “Don’t you think I would want the same as I grow older as well?”
“Touché…” was his response.
My sister calls it “his small reality”. She’s not being rude. She means the place where he goes in his mind where everything is Husband #2-centric and his behavior has no impact on anyone else. In other words, the world is small and a butterfly flapping its wings doesn’t cause a hurricane.
I’m not opposed to moving to Husband #2’s state. I’ve even told him a vast area that would fulfill my requirement for a cool weather climate. But I am opposed to moving into Husband #2’s life, where there is no room for me. As it stands now, his work schedule and mine clash. We wouldn’t see each other any more frequently than we do now, so what’s the point? Why would I go there to be lonely when I can be just as husband-less here?
Plus we haven’t had any conversations about “merging”.
By merging, I mean the “coming together” of lives, households, goals, and desires. Like two lines that meet like a V, there’s a point where they merge. Right now we are like an X. Our lines came together, merged at one point and then kept going.
I’m looking for a V commitment.
I like driving with Husband #2. Our latest visit had us in the car for hours. It was an opportunity to sit side by side and talk with little distraction other than the winding road, beautiful scenery, and an occasional diner stop. One of our conversations turned to his current search for clarity.
Him: What do you mean by ending things in December?
Me: I mean that I will respect your decision to leave and I will just stop “following” you. I’m not going to put effort into chasing after someone who doesn’t want to be with me.
Him: (After a pause) Why should I be the one to file for divorce?
Me: Because you’re the one who left and you’re the one who doesn’t have any hope for our relationship.
Him: What if I’m not ready for a divorce?
Me: Are you asking me to wait for you (as he works through therapy)?
Him: Yes.
Me: Why should I wait for you? Convince me.
Him: You shouldn’t wait for me.
Straight from the horse’s mouth… It’s hard to extend more time and effort to someone who doesn’t believe they should get more time and effort. Like the old Tracy Chapman song,
Give me one reason to stay here And I’ll turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here And I’ll turn right back around
Because I don’t want leave you lonely But you got to make me change my mind
December is our cruise. I call it my Consolation Prize Cruise. Like being on a game show, I didn’t win the Grand Prize but here’s a nice consolation prize to soothe any disappointment.
Husband #2 knows that he has until December to make me change my mind. Maybe he needs to see about changing his mind first.
Deja, that hurts me to read. I don’t know how you can handle the constant rejection. I would be in the fetal position in the bed. And every time I read his statement of ‘wanting to be around familiar things as I gets older’, isn’t that you? You are his familiar. I don’t get it. So, he will leave to be around familiar surroundings (because he wants familiarity) but separate from the person that he professes to love? I feel for you. That cruise would be nothing but painful for me, like a countdown of honeymoon days and at the end is a separation. LIke the Titanic movie. You must have it compartmentalized somehow in your head so you can enjoy the time, the activity, and not die of the heartache.
He is missing out. Hopefully a therapist can help him someday, but life is about the relationship, not the scenery.
Are the cruise tickets refundable?
I don’t understand his logic whatsoever-Cuckoo Mamma has it right: you’re the familiar.
Goood luck.