Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes furthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. ~ Dale Carnegie
I’m back. Husband #2 and I enjoyed another one of our bi-monthly visits this past weekend. True to form, we had a great time. We are excellent travel companions and enjoy taking the road less traveled. The weather cooperated, staying in the mid-seventies with low humidity. Those are my kind of temperatures.
In the quiet corners of our good experiences lurked the shadowy knowledge that a line in the sand has been drawn…by me. You see, this isn’t the kind of marriage I signed up for. I’m not interested in being separated from my husband du jour for another year. I’m certainly not signing on to stay this way indefinitely.
My stance – If we’re still like this in December then I’m bowing out of the picture.
The end of 2014 will be two years of separation. I’ve done what I can and tried my best but I can’t fix a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.
I’ve struggled with this decision. I feel like I’m leaving Husband #2.
My friend and life coach listened to me wallow for a bit in my troubled thoughts, then she asked me a simple question.
“Did you move out and abandon your marriage and Husband #2?”
“No, I didn’t. I want to work on things.”
“Then why do you think you’re the one who’s leaving? He’s the one who is making the choice to live outside of the home. I don’t remember you looking for apartments.”
I like my friend. She kicks me in the pants when I need it and brings a simple clarity to the situation when I’m too close to make sense of these tricky situations.
She’s divorced as well. Her husband left her, twice. She knows of what she speaks.
“Listen, sweetie. There will be a period of time when you will still be open to working things out with your husband. But eventually that comes to an end. You’ll outgrow him because that’s what people who fall out of touch do. He’s made a choice for both of you. You’ve done an admirable job with working on yourself but you deserve better than waiting for a man who doesn’t realize that a relationship takes more than wishful thinking.”
I told Husband #2, December is the end of it for me if there is no forward progress.
I remember an analogy one woman used to describe her gentle departure from her estranged husband:
Imagine that I’m a train. As you decide whether or not to stay with me you are like a person standing with one foot on the platform and one foot on the train. The train is moving very, very slowly, but it is moving. At some point you’ll have to make a decision on whether to shift both feet onto the platform or into the train. You won’t be able to straddle both indefinitely. Because no matter how slow I go, I’m still going to leave the station.
For now I’ll enjoy the last three get-togethers that we have scheduled for the year:
- A week in September when he returns home, but we won’t really be “home”. We’re using the time to drive around a scenic area in a neighboring state
- A long weekend in October, for Oktoberfest and pretty leaves viewed from a train car
- The cruise Husband #2 wants us to take in December, visiting two of our favorite islands and discovering a new one, engaging in snorkeling, fine dining at a couple of our favorite restaurants, and lots of walking
After that, my train leaves the station, with or without a passenger.
Cuckoo Mamma says
Deja, good luck. I agree with your friend, he decided for you, you should feel no guilt. I hope you can enjoy the times you have scheduled, I don’t think I could knowing that it may be over. Keep your head up.