It’s no secret that I write under a nom de plume. I do so for many reasons, the biggest is the respect of privacy, not only for myself, but for my children, Husband #1, Husband #2, and extended family. While I’ll freely share my fears, hopes, struggles, and joys, I do so non-cyberly only with people who have earned the right to hear my story… my confidants need to show they can bear the weight of my tale.
Not every person is strong enough to handle my emotions. You know the saying, “don’t judge a book by its cover?” That doesn’t apply to me. Inside happy? Outside shows happy. Inside sad? My façade shows sadness.
With all of that said, I understand that over-sharing disconnects the listener. To rant in the presence of a dissociated ear would yield as much connection as my listening to the Doom Speech shared by the local corner End of the World Proclaiming Prophet. Avert the eyes, keep the head down, check the watch and scurry off to imagined appointments just to get away.
Whatever happens, don’t engage.
Boil it all down and the relevant piece is context… “the circumstances that form the setting for an event, statement, or idea, and in terms of which it can be fully understood and assessed”. Well stated, Google.
I don’t profess to be a huge Russell Brand fan, I couldn’t name one movie or show he’s been in. I’m pretty sure that he was married to Katie Perry at one point. But I admire the letter he wrote to his younger self.
Specifically poignant,
It will be good to have a chat though, because I know, of course I know, that you’re lonely, sad and that you think too much…
…In all those places you’re gonna see the same sadness and feel the same loneliness.
Do it all. Go nuts. You’re gonna do it anyway. Just know that it can’t make you happy. In fact, no externally acquired thing can help you. Read more…
Without the context of the DivorcedMoms website, my story is just some crazy tale told by a woman who gives her errant husband too much latitude… Even Husband #2 wonders why I still talk to him, he thanks me for the privilege I extend, more now than in the beginning when we left. Maybe I still see some piece of the man I married in him even after all of the difficulties we’ve gone through…
But I digress…
My friend and life coach, Cathy Meyer, thought it would be good for me to write for DivorcedMoms. She knew, from my first divorce rants, I would open up like a clam in a pot of boiling water, baring my soul without a care of who thought what of me. My topics are all over the place. I’m not afraid to say I want sex, I’m lonely, I’m struggling, I’m growing, I’m tempted, I’m afraid, I’m hopeful, I’m optimistic.
That’s the weird thing about divorce. You can feel all of these things, and more, in the same 60 seconds.
Find people who can bear the weight of your story. Find them in the closest of non-judgmental friends, therapy sessions, divorce recovery classes, goal-setting support groups, and even anonymous web blogs. These are the people who will connect with you when you need it.
Eventually the story will get lighter. At some point in the future, you will be able to look a grocery clerk or a potential employer or some random person in the eye and not feel compelled to spill your guts to them.
And then you can write a letter to your younger self…
Sometimes I feel the weight of my story will never fade. In a nutshell I was married and my husband cheated on me with my best friend. Tried to work it out because of kids and a long history together, but he had already moved on in his heart. Then I thought I met the one I would spend the rest of my life with and recently found out he has been cheating on me. We have been together for two years. Trying to navigate this mess with therapy and time to decided if we can continue the relationship.
My family and friends have been understanding and supportive. I feel like the last few years it has been constant turmoil and being my family and friends has been a tough job. I feel bad…guilty even saying anything anymore. But they are there and they listen and they support. One day I do hope the weight is lifted off of their shoulders and they won’t have to hear about more turmoil in regards to my life.
So, I think about that letter to my younger self and I know I am not ready to write it. It would be so negative and hopeless. I need to wait until I have sound advice and that “happy ending” that fits my life. Just like this blog says….”doing over and over until I get it right”.
That was me not so long ago, but I believe in a higher power. I truly believe God puts no more on you than you can bear. He knows your limit. Besides this I had truly great family and friends who supported me. I am a better me because of my children.There is nothing worse than seeing pain and hurt in your children’s eyes. It brings out the mama bear in you. Those 4 people changed it all for me. To my younger self I would tell her “you will be just fine”.
Come tell your stories here. We can share the weight with you.
My heart goes out to you, DJ. Infidelity is one of those soul-crushing discoveries.
Darcell, hug those little ones and kiss all of your supporters. It sounds like you’ve got great people in your corner.