It hit me while watching a rerun of The Big Bang Theory. Understanding and Action are two different things.
The dialog (for those of you who don’t want to watch the eleven second video):
Leonard: Does anyone know anything about internal combustion engines?
The other three: Of course, simple 19th century technology.
Leonard: Does anyone know how to fix an internal combusion engine?
The other three: No. Not a clue.
The point was clear. If three Ph.D.s (and Howard) know the inner workings of an engine but can’t fix it, where is the solution to the problem of the broken engine? Understanding doesn’t translate into action. White boards filled with formulas, theories, and solving for X will never get the car moving if they don’t have the capacity to put wrench to bolt.
Conversely, action without understanding is futile. I don’t understand internal combustion engines and it’s pretty safe to assume that the best set of tools will help me to dismantle the engine block without any clue as to where the problem might reside. My action, no matter how sincere or energetic, leaves me stranded on the side of the road just like Leonard, Sheldon, Raj, and Howard.
Maybe Howard’s mom would make me a brisket.
Part of my gripe about my past experiences with marriage counseling is the focus on understanding each other and the complete lack of a call to action.
I’m going to keep this one-sided since I don’t know Husband #2’s motivations or thoughts and don’t want to speak out of line on his perspective.
We would sit there, talking about our side of things (me wanting to gnaw off my leg to escape) and barriers would be built. “You said this.” “You did that.” “You are bad.” Just beating after beating after beating. What I understood at the end of the session was that I had hurt Husband #2 very badly.
But what now?
Where was the timely, healing education needed to bandage and help repair the open wounds? If trust was broken, where were the instructions on how to repair it? If all that I did was contaminating our relationship, where were the pointers, directions, smacks in the head to get me on the right path?
How was I to contribute good to the relationship when all I did was wrong? It was extremely frustrating, to say the very least.
If we had been given calls to action, would it had helped? I don’t know. I can guarantee it wouldn’t have hurt the situation any more than all the talking about our problems.
So lacking any calls to action from therapy, I’ve come up with a few of my own:
- Tell him once a day something that I respect about him
- Thank him once a day for something he handled that I preferred not to handle myself
- Hug and kiss him spontaneously a few times a day
- Do him a service, like making lunch for the two of us
- Ask for his input on a decision I needed to make
- Share with him something private about me that no one else knows (like a dream)
- Express my pride at being his wife
- Focus on him when he talks, without interruptions from the outside world
- Touch his face in the morning before getting out of bed
- Do something (like pick up my shoes) that I know bothers him if undone
- Involve him in the daily bills and running of the household
- Leave him a small gift on his desk
Some of these items would have been outside of my nature, but would have meant a lot to Husband #2.
Nothing huge or earth-shattering…
Or maybe just powerful enough to break down the first barrier.
I think that your list is lovely – if my husband had done those things I would have been putty in his hands!
I believe that, whatever comes out of your current situation, adopting those types of behaviors will bring good into your life.
In my case, I did all the things on your list with regularity. It did not save my marriage, but I don’t regret doing them anyway. I want to be the kind of partner who behaves in those ways, who brings out the best of the possibilities in life. I want the kind of marriage where both partners behave in those ways, and I am proud of my willingness to be the first one to step up to the plate. I am proud of my behavior, and if I went back in time I’d do those things for my ex again, because though they didn’t save my marriage, they did bring out the best in me.
As for marriage counseling: been there, done that. There are good counselors and bad, and I think that yiou have to figure out what you want and then find it. I had counselors like the one you described, and they did more harm than good. At the end, we found a counselor who DID suggest a course of action, who gave us concrete ideas for how to improve our situation. It was only then, when I saw that my ex was given the tools to improve our relationship but chose not to use them, that I walked away, because he had shown me how he really felt by choosing inaction.
I wish you all the best, and hope that your outcome is better than mine. 🙂
Thank you, PollyAnna. Your post summed up my current motivation…to make myself a better partner for whoever is in my future. I do these things not to manipulate Husband #2 but to put into practice things I have learned (the hard way). Practice, practice, practice!
I imagine it was enlightening to finally see your exhusband’s unwillingness to work on things. While probably not the outcome you were hoping for, I imagine that the behavior spoke volumes as to where you stood in his priorities. With that kind of certainty it’s easy to make decisions without second-guessing yourself later.
Thank you for taking the time to share!