Husband #2 and I were given the assignment of coming up with what we loved about each other for one of our therapy sessions. He rattled off a bunch of things about me. I could only choke out how much I valued his ability to kill bugs. I really hate bugs.
First off, I hate therapy. I’m not saying therapy is wrong or useless. For me, I feel like therapy puts me on the spot, recording my statements for perpetuity. I’m so afraid of saying the wrong thing. Once you say the words, you can’t suck them back in. And many times I have a hard time saying out loud what I really mean. Writing things down is so much better. You can read, edit, re-read, adjust, and think things through until you get them just right. Put me on the spot and my mind goes blank, especially when dealing with someone who’s feelings I’ve already hurt.
So I struggled and blurted out that he kills bugs for me.
The other night I had a dream with Husband #2 as a knight in shining armor. He was chasing a dragon, trying to kill it with his sword. And then I finally got it. Bug Killer = Dragon Slayer. He was my Dragon Slayer. Killing centipedes around the house was equivalent to being my white knight. He was slaying my bugs, my fears, everything that was bad in the world. He was my hero.
Why I couldn’t say that during our therapy session is beyond me. He only wanted to feel worthy. He wanted to feel appreciated. He wanted to be valued. If I had told him how I really felt, it would have been music to his ears. But my own internal limitations held me back. Would it have saved our relationship? That I don’t know. I only know that when the time is right, I will make sure that I find a way to voice my appreciation better in the future.