It has recently occurred to me that I have always allowed my life be defined by others: a daughter, a wife, a mom, and now a divorcee. It stops here and now! I didn’t choose to be divorced but it happened to me anyway and now I have decided to use my divorce to reinvent myself into who I want to be after all of these years. Another chance at what I want to be when I grow up! It is actually becoming this wonderful feeling of freedom, finally my chance to create my own definition of me. Never again will I allow myself to be defined by chance.
When this all started, the divorce was such a surprise (isn’t everyone unhappy?) that I started down the seemingly usual path that I affectionately called my 3 S’s: sleeplessness, sadness and shock.
Yes, I do mean affectionately, because even at this stage I decided to own my divorce and all of the difficult parts and not let it own me. I even joined a divorce support group. I had hoped that at the very least I might make a few new female friends that were going through the same situation. (Where did all of my married friends go)? I just didn’t fit in, I wasn’t unhappy enough. These people were so horribly sad. They were unable to get beyond their divorce. They were allowing their sadness to suck out any prospect of future happiness. It was like they were stuck in time, and I knew I didn’t want to be stuck any longer. My divorce would be different. I wouldn’t let it define me, but maybe I could use it to my advantage.
I think that was the moment I decided to start using my divorce as a vehicle to move forward in my life. My own moment of truth; My Life! I was now the captain of my own ship. Sink or swim, it was my course to set. Navigating the swirling waters of divorce by my intuition, as mariners of old used the stars. I set sail on my first course of business: to take care of myself, because I finally realized after all of the years of taking care of a family, that it really was true, if you don’t take care of yourself no one else will. I still have a child to care for but for the first time (in a long, long time)
I have the freedom to schedule a workout or not, now it is my choice!
I have also started writing, a long buried passion of mine. During my marriage I had allowed my husband to define me as stupid and worthless, leading me to believe that I had nothing worthwhile to share with the world. It had been so many years since I’d had a career that I started to believe it myself.
Who would hire someone who had been off the job market for so long?
To keep my brain from turning into a liquid I had written a few articles for my children’s school paper, and in print they didn’t look too bad. Most of all I enjoyed it! I did a little research and found advice that suggested writing a blog as a way to show prospective employers that even at my age I was staying current, so I started a blog! I must say it is cathartic, I can rant and ramble on all I want, and it doesn’t cost me a penny! It seems that DivorcedMoms is also allowing me to share my musings with you. It’s actually better than the friends I didn’t make at the support group. I know we are all going through the same process of redefining our lives, and I have a new definition for me: writer!
Valerie Fulton says
We are almost socially bullied into feeling ashamed because we don’t get along great with our exes as though somehow all divorces must be amicable. She can love her father, and she can love me — and our lives can be separate. This works for me, and therefore, it is good for my daughter as well. That’s right. What’s good for me is good for my child.
Jeremy Mount says
It seems to me that men and women in EVERY marriage would like to take superiority in the “smarts” department.
I don’t think man mean to make women feel inferior to them. I think if more marriages would be defined by culture and expectations that they did not end we males would not feel the heavy burden to take the lead so much and “own up” to our role lest we be “replaced” by a better alpha male.
Women today are stronger then any other age of man. Congrats. And that is a huge milestone and acheivement…again congrats.
But with your title of alpha queen we are also seeing a lack of accountability to “owning up” to the marrital consiquences of traditional lifelong companionship. We are FINALLY in a day and age where women have a voice… and women NEED to make that voice heard to men BEFORE we tie the knot so we know what to do right to make marriage last forever.
Divorce should not be this high for women who have a voice and can advocate what they need to be happy. This needs to change. Ladies own up and speak up about what you expect and form the ladies support groups to “get the word out” to the men in your relationships. Get the counseling you need by initiating the sessions. Use insurance from your job to get help. YOU now have the power to control and to repair your marriage…and with great power comes great responsibility.
Jennifer Grant says
What needs to change is men’s expectations of women in marriage. We aren’t who we were in the 50s and 60s but, men still are. And they are sitting around waiting for us to make adjustments when we don’t owe them that. Men need to catch up.
I’m not an alpha queen, I’m a woman. I’m not interested in an alpha male, I’m interested in a man who respects himself and me. My son recently married. His wife has a Ph.D., hates to cook and makes more money than he does. You know what he does, he communicates, he appreciates, he feels like a man regardless of how much she makes or how independent she is. He DEFINES his role as a man. He doesn’t allow his wife or society to define his role and how he feels about himself. And, he cooks her dinner. That’s his job in the marriage. But, she is pretty good at rewiring the alarm system and fixing a leaking faucet. The mesh quite well.
You see, that is the difference between women now and men. Women are secure in who they are, they no longer need a man to live prosperously or happily, but they are more than willing to share their lives with a man. Some men can’t do it though unless they feel superior to the “little woman.” And, by the way, the woman who wrote this article didn’t divorce her husband, he divorced her. I guess you think he did that because she didn’t “get the word out” to him?