My 50 First (Online) Dates Post-Divorce

Online dating post-divorce, it isn’t for the faint of heart!

 

We’ve all heard the humorous proverb (the earliest credit given to a needlepoint pillow kit from 1975 or 1976, no one seems to know for sure) “Before you meet the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads!” My modern twist is “You have to drink a lot of coffee to at least dip your toe in the swamp!” Or, at least that was my experience dating online post-divorce.

So to support my coffee habit as well as coffee commodities, I joined a few online dating sites. I would set up a meeting for coffee (that way either one of us could run away easily) and in exchange, I got the chance to practice talking to an adult male again. My almost-ex never responded whenever I tried talking to him, I might as well been talking to the wall. No wonder I am divorced!

An overwhelming majority of my online dates were one-time meetings, a very few reached three.

Which brings me to inquire about the magic number of meeting three times and expecting sex? Maybe it’s a toad thing!

Anyway, it was fairly cheap entertainment, and it helped to keep my mind off of the stressful divorce proceedings. I was treated to a smattering of intriguing stories and of course the added bonus of brain calisthenics trying to find the men based on their online dating photos. It was like a real-life Where’s Waldo.

So without further ado, my 50 First Online Dates Post-Divorce

1. The first one walked me to my car and then tried to shove his tongue down my throat before 10 am, and I had bought my own coffee! I thought he was going in for a good old Hollywood air kiss and was totally caught off guard, after all, it had been 30 years since I had met a man other than my almost-ex for anything! He then continued to contact me to ask me out. I still can’t believe he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t interested.

2. The tall, handsome childless widower who seemed perfect but didn’t want to date a woman with a teenage son.

3. The realtor that couldn’t run away fast enough when I told him I had a teenage son!

4. The Scotsman that race walked up and down the beach interviewing me. At least he had a lovely accent.

5. The songwriter/musician who was so much older than his photo, I mean REALLY older.

6. The sportswriter, who wanted me to eat. A really nice man just not my type.

7. The small newspaper owner who made himself sound much too influential.

8. The geologist who actually asked me out to the theater. The only one, too bad no sparks.

9. The exterminator, way too young. In any case, I pick up insects to put them outside.

10. The tall, dark, handsome one who was such a gentleman until he had a few drinks and would say crazy things. Too bad. Another reason to stick to coffee!

11. The attorney who wanted to speak first on the phone…for hours. We never met face to face. A complete waste of time.

12. The engineer who walked in front of me and wouldn’t even walk me to my car.

13. The adrenaline junkie, handsome and tall but sounded just like Napoleon Dynamite’s brother…and he always wanted to talk on the phone. I just couldn’t get past that voice. Google it if you haven’t seen the movie!

14. The agency owner who was really negative about all of his clients, instead of being happy to be busy and his own boss!

15. The overweight man who examined my fingernails…I felt like a racehorse up for sale. I didn’t wait around for him to check out my teeth!

16. The teacher who divorced his wife for not buying organic chicken before it was readily available for the children they would never have. He was truly serious!

17. The one I was late for, who either stood me up or left before I got there, I will never know.

18. The man who left his wife because she didn’t want to travel.

19. The builder who seemed dismayed that I didn’t wear more makeup.

20. The never-married filmmaker who lived in a rented room. At our first meeting, he fawned over me way too much. It was weird, to say the least. I want to add that he had had a facelift and looked nothing like the distinguished gentleman I was expecting.

21. The twice-divorced self-proclaimed renaissance man, who also fancied himself a ladies man. Always covered in cat hair, I now understand this part since getting a cat!

22. The motorcycle mechanic who introduced me to his daughter the second time we met for coffee.

23. The woodworker who texted me crazy messages of obsession meant for someone else. Thank goodness, I was starting to worry that he may have been a stalker.

24. The foreigner, (his thick accent sounded Swedish) who must have been in his 80s and spoke very little English. I knew he was probably really lonely and just needed someone to talk to. He forced me (just wouldn’t take no for an answer) to share a slice of rhubarb pie. It was good!

25. The cute semi-famous photographer who was ready to retire and travel. Bad timing!

26. The never-married CEO who reminded me too much of my almost-ex. This one I couldn’t run away fast enough.

27. The businessman who would call to chat, and chat and chat. As usual, we never met.

28. The attorney who was just released from prison due to a financial scandal. At least that’s what he said.

29. The nicest man who was obviously still in love with his wife. For this one I got to practice acting as a marriage counselor. I never heard from him again, I really hope it worked out!

30. The man who left his wife, tearfully saying they were still in love but divorced anyway. What is wrong with people?

31. The older rambling man living part-time in Panama. I don’t think he even noticed when I said goodbye!

32. The much too young accountant, I had refused a few meetings due to his age, then finally gave up and met him. A nice conversation anyway.

33. The shop teacher, a nice man but we had nothing in common.

34. Another real estate agent, who never took off his sunglasses inside!

35. The attorney who knew my attorney and my almost-ex’s attorney. I learned so much, including the fact that our divorces are fodder for their happy hour amusement.

36. The man who moved overseas to start a business and had to escape quickly leaving everything he owned behind.

37. The flying instructor who constantly wanted me to go out on his boat. Why would I want to get into a boat, alone, surrounded by water with someone I had just met? Besides, I’ve seen Dead Calm and The Perfect Storm.

38. The much older man who didn’t seem interested in me at all. He later tried to contact me again through the dating site and I had to remind him that we had already met, lol!

39. The man who couldn’t stop talking about his boat or complaining about how much money he spent on his daughter’s wedding.

40. Another phone guy, wanting to talk about his life. What am I a therapist?

41. The dentist who walked right past me as I waited at our designated meeting spot. I had to chase him around the mall to catch up with him and my photo was current!

42. The older barbershop singer, talented but again no spark.

43. The volunteer organizer who must have been too busy.

44. The retiree who complained about his ex-wife getting half of his retirement. I’m sure she deserved more!

45. Another phone guy. I am beginning to think these men are probably married.

46. The one who lived in another city. We planned to meet halfway. At least I showed up!

47. Another retiree who had dated a divorced friend of mine, ugh!

48. The one who wanted to get serious too fast. What’s the hurry?

49. The writer who obviously wasn’t interested in me but gave me some great writing advice!

50. The photographer I ended up dating, a really nice guy, and of course he has a son too!

I’m really not picky, but as a baby boomer, dating at 60 is so difficult. At least you can’t say I didn’t try!

I would love to hear your stories. Whether you are separated, divorced or divorcing I know we are all in need of a good laugh!