Moms and stepmoms.
Wives and ex-wives.
If ever two groups of people could be characterized as mortal enemies, I would nominate these ladies.
I understand. I feel your pain. Both of your pain! I am both mom and stepmom, and I am both the wife and the ex-wife.
All I know is that the rivalry, drama, intense hatred, and pettiness is so ridiculously out of control that the quality of people’s lives is compromised! I’m not just referring to the women at battle with one another; but, their families, their partners, and most unfortunately, the children!
I get it. You met and became part of the same family system against your will, and very likely by starting off on the wrong foot. One of you is the former mate, one of you is the new partner. There were broken hearts, broken homes, children, and enough emotional energy to power a large city for a decade!
No matter if both of you were the nicest of nice people with the most civilized and amicable of divorce situations, your relationship requires both of you to step into very personal and sensitive territory to become wives and parents, and to endure a strange new way of life.
The following statements and questions are for myself and for all of you living as moms and stepmoms, wives and ex-wives. Some of them make me swallow hard because they touch a nerve and force me to face qualities in myself I need to work on.
Ladies, quite a few of us have some work to do if we’re ever going to end this ugly war!
To the mom and ex-wife:
I know. You were there first. He was yours. He may have done you wrong (maybe not), and you are angry and hurt from the events of the past. Now, you must send your children, your most precious reasons for living, to be away from you part time. You have no control over what happens to them while they’re away from you, and you just want the best for them.
A new woman comes into your ex’s and your children’s lives and, quite naturally, it’s a threat! How could you not feel sad, jealous, worried, and angry knowing that another woman shares her time with them? Who is she? You want to be the only woman they have affection for. You don’t want another woman imposing her values on them or affecting your relationship in any way.
Understand that she is your ex’s world now. Her relationship with him is completely different than yours. You may hate him and have bad memories; but, she does not. She will always side with him.
She should not ever try to replace you or in any way interfere with your relationship with the kids; but, there is no reason that she can’t be a loving presence in their life. Don’t you want someone to be nurturing and loving to your children when you can’t be with them? Do you realize that your children can love you with all their hearts and still have room to care about her, too?
I know you get mad when the stepmom inserts herself into decisions and parenting duties; but understand that decisions you make about money, schedules, and so on will also affect her (and possibly her children), so she does have a right to know what’s going on and to have an opinion.
That doesn’t mean that her voice will have the final say or that you and your ex aren’t the majority votes; but, like it or not, you are now part of a family system. You can choose to either fight every step of the way and live miserably, or you can choose to be flexible and cooperative.
Be glad that another person besides just you and your ex is willing to drive your kids places, cook and clean for them, take care of them when they’re sick, buy them things, and accept them into her heart.
Would you really want the alternative? Would you really prefer they have the “wicked step mother” who is mean, nasty, and abusive to them? Do you understand that the more conflict you cause, the more you will push her to that end? Are you so insecure in your relationship or parenting that you can’t let another person be a part of their life in addition (not instead of) you?
Your kids know who their mother is. Divorce doesn’t change that. You divorced their dad, not the kids. It’s time to step waging warfare against the new woman in his life. You will never have peace, be truly happy, or be able to move on until you let your anger and resentment go. Show your children how to live graciously, how to deal with conflict without stalking, cussing, insulting, resisting, trash-talking, undermining the authority of others, and generally setting an example of bitterness.
To the stepmom and new wife:
I hear you. You just want to be able to live your life without baby mama drama! You don’t want someone second guessing everything you do, getting involved with the activities of your home, coming after you and your man, and making your life a daily hell. You wonder why she can’t just let the past go, mind her own business, and be peaceful.
You may be performing a host of mothering duties, but you will never be the “mom.” You can never try to replace your step children’s mother, and you should respect the fact that she and your partner are the primary voices in parenting. While your life may feel that it’s held hostage by whatever they do, you did know you were becoming involved in a complicated situation, and you should respect any established routines they had rather that overturning everything to suit you.
Shame on you if you ever say or do anything to try to drive a wedge between the kids and their mom. She is part of them and what you say and do can hurt them. You may not agree with the way she does everything. She may not agree with you. It may feel like you got a free ex with purchase of new spouse; but, you must remain calm in the storm and not let your frustration show. It’s a tall order, but the kids need calm and it requires grace under pressure.
You can’t control her or how she runs her home. All you can do is control your reactions and your home. I understand the frustration but don’t lose your dignity through social media stalking, gossip, and stirring the pot. You are another adult in a position to model appropriate behavior to the kids.
Ladies, this is a tired mess! It’s time to start living life instead of living to undo another person. We’re better than this. We can put the kids first. We can be the first to extend an olive branch, or at least stop acting crazy. It’s a difficult situation we live in; but, we don’t have to be difficult people! If you want drama, keep feeding that drama monster; otherwise, make a choice to be more evolved! Peace.
That’s what I just love…being scolded by apparently a 2nd (or subsequent) NEW wife. You have no idea but when you get it, well, you’ll get it. Meanwhile stay in your lane girl.
Hi, Dorrie! As I mentioned, I am both the wife and stepmom AND I am the mom and ex-wife. I live all sides of this issue, I can own that I have areas I can improve in and I see both sides of battles and drama going on between these two groups. Not a scolding, I just think all sides are suffering from this war and everyone could benefit from making some adjustments. It sucks to be on both sides and although I know we can’t expect it to ever be perfect, it doesn’t have to be as hateful as it so often is!
Audrey, it sounds like you wrote the first section of this for poor Dorrie… maybe she should read that first part again.
well said, Dorrie!
Interesting piece. I agree with a lot of what you said. I’m divorced and my ex has a new girlfriend that he told me he plans to marry. I have no problem with that. The problem I have with the woman is that she doesn’t know how to stay in her lane. She told my 8 year old son that he could call her Diva Mom and then when I tried to have a conversation with both her and my ex he was like a rabid dog protecting her. I then addressed the issue with my son. You have one mother and one father and that you can create a special name for her, but it won’t be mommy, mom or any variation of the word mother. That issue right there let me know that she didn’t respect my roles as my son’s mother. It’s exhausting and I pray that things will get better, but not every baby mama or ex-wife with kids is the villian. A LOT of new women don’t know how to respect the roles, but we then get the bad raps.
Hi Tikeetha and thanks for reading! Wow. Diva Mom! Ha ha! Have fun with that one! If she’s going to marry your ex and be in your child’s life, I get having a “special” name instead of just “hey, you!” It’s a little presumptuous to assume “mom” in any form should be part of that; but it’s up to each family’s comfort. My step kids call me “Egg” because the youngest couldn’t pronounce my name when we first met, and it kind of stuck…I guess it’s better than “egg donor…”
At any rate, you are correct that moms get a bad rap for being uncooperative or rude, but it’s a two way street. If there’s no respect coming from the other side, of course you’ll be more defensive and edgy. Mostly, I think there’s s learning curve for everyone involved. None of us knows exactly how to handle this weird new situation and emotions run high. No surprise, then, that things get started rough and may never recover.
My advice? Patience, time, let go of the frustration because your control is limited, and as I always say “if someone’s going to be a jerk, let it be them!” Best case scenario: they mellow out because you’re not a nightmare. Worst case scenario: Divalicious never changes, but your child will eventually figure out what everyone’s all about, and you will have set an awesome example!
I have a question! My ex’s wife tells my child that I do not make good decisions in life etc! They have brainwashed my daughter… Will my daughter at some point see that I am not as bad as they portray me to be? I’m afraid to deal with this torture until she is 18 and then have her hate me for the rest of my life because of all the damage her father has done to her or allowed to happen by the new wife!
You need to have a talk with your ex and let him know that his wife sharing her opinions with you, is crossing boundaries and if it continues you’ll be speaking with an attorney and taking legal action. Here is the bottom line, if you don’t make bad decisions in life, your child will witness that and as she ages will realize that her stepmother doesn’t know what she is talking about. If you’re a good mother and put your child’s needs first, your child will grow up to know that about you.
i just need suggestions. I’m at a point of giving up. I am the step mom of two great boys who’s mom is a crazy controlling ex wife. We are scheduled to go to court for reducing child support this week for the oldest who graduated last year. She has her children convinced that their dad who has paid all of their support is a dead beat, and because we make good money as a couple should pay for everything, because she won’t work a full time job to pay her part. Now she controls him in most every way. She says she’s not paying her half of extra curricular events because she is broke. He gives in every time and pays for everything because he don’t want his child to suffer. I understand that but it allows her to continuously manipulate him. I say something and it just causes an argument with us. Has anyone else ever experienced this and how was the outcome for you?
Hi Wendi! Let me just say that the situation you described sounds extremely familiar. It is not an overnight fix, by any means, but it comes down to boundaries. Their divorce agreement spells it all out, they just need to follow it! She is counting on your husband’s love and concern to guilt him into paying for everything, and now it’s time to hold her responsible. Yes, this may mean that his kid doesn’t get to participate in everything he wants. So, here’s how it works: football camp costs $100? Dad drops off $50 to the coaches and notifies mom and son that his share is covered, then stick to your guns through all of the whining and complaining about to ensue. If need be, take a photo of the part of the divorce that details the 50/50 split of such costs and send it to her. Just be sure that your husband follows everything else in the plan to a ” t” so that she can’t come back to criticize how he handles other business. Yes, it is quite possible that mom won’t pay her share and their child won’t get to go. It is really too bad when it happens. She will start to get the message, however, and come to realize that he means business and she will be expected to hold up her end of the agreement. She will probably try to use their child as “muscle” to force the issue ” it’s your DAD’S fault you can’t go because he wouldn’t pay…” They will buy it at first because they are used to dad paying and her complaints. You don’t need to share the parenting plan word for word, but it is important that they know that mom and dad came up with or were presented with a plan for the schedule, money, decisions, and everything else one can think of and they had a chance to review it with lawyers, then once they agreed to the terms, they each signed it to say they agreed, then a judge made their agreement final and binding. Mom has responsibilities in that, and so does dad. He needs to simply explain that going off script has caused confusion and boundary problems, so now is the time to rely on the plan to set the guidelines as mom and dad agreed to. The kids will eventually see the logic of it and she will learn that he means it when he continually does as he was ordered and expects her to do the same. If they do go back to court for child support or whatever, use that as an opportunity to ask the judge in front of her to clarify this part of their plan so it can be expressly stated as a reminder to her. You will find ways to make sure his part is paid and to notify mom and the child involved that his part is covered. Then, the table is turned and the child will look to her to complete the payment because they already know dad has done it and why. Good luck to you! It is a frustrating battle! Just know that every time he gives in and pays it all, you will have to fight that much harder the next time!
Toxic ex! I experienced almost the same story from my new husbands ex. Mind you they had been divorced for 8 years when we got married but was STILL manipulating him. His son was not able to participate in our wedding due to her and my husband has also not seen the child in almost 2 years. I also had to file charges against her last year for the constant harassment of child support through text that were sent at ALL hours of the day and night. She tells their son that my husband also does not pay child support which is paid through the state so we have no control over when the state issues it to her. We have also been accused by her of abusing the child ( which never happened!) and would want contact with him up to 5 or 6 times a day while he would visit every other weekend. It’s exhausting for all of us. She also accused my minor child of abusing my husbands son. The list goes on and on. However once the charges were file she was told to not contact either of us in a harassing manner or there would be actions taken by the judge.
I felt as though this article was a little one-sided. You hit multiple points regarding the Mother but I feel as if you missed some regarding the stepmother. As a step mother myself, never have I ever thought as myself as her actual mother and I never tried to replace her mom. I don’t want to replace her mom. Also, neither myself nor her father talk down on her in front of their child. We don’t talk about her at all unless a situation arises and even then we aren’t talking bad about her. As the step mom, i just come in when needed and help my husband as best as i can when it comes to their little girl. I don’t take sides because at the end of the day I’m still a WOMAN, so i understand from her POV at times.