Do I call it a chip on his or her shoulder? A lousy attitude? An unforgiving nature when it comes to divorcing parents? Should I refer to it as the divorce grudge… that will not budge?
I’ve seen it more than once. The adult child of divorce, no longer a child, who is unable to forgive parents for ever splitting up. And more than likely, that ill will is directed at one parent more than the other.
Maybe it shows up as a surly manner – even in a 28-year-old. Maybe it’s a chilly emotional distance, or a blatant “freeze-out” that occurs sporadically or over long periods of time.
Maybe the adult child of divorce was once the recipient of parental alienation (brainwashing or truth?), and while it took place many years earlier, the negative effects are difficult to dispel.
From the Adult Child’s Viewpoint
Shall we look first to this “child” who is still harboring mixed or negative feelings?
At a young age, we are indelibly influenced by the models of behavior we see around us. We may take on good and “bad” behaviors as a result, or we may recognize that something is out of whack and consequently, we lean the other way. We choose to comport ourselves differently.
We also internalize troubling verbal messages – either tinged with residual anger and judgment, or outright hurtful and damaging. We “believe” the parent who may be responding to legitimate grievances. The result can be an altered view – possibly forever – of the other parent he or she is speaking about.
I’m not in a position to say whether this is right or wrong. Personally, I feel it’s a matter of degree and circumstance. But we have many sources on the subject of parental alienation – some of which I find reasonable, and others that strike me as extreme.
The bottom line?
We don’t forget hurts we observe or experience as children – our own, or those of siblings and another parent. We also don’t forget if we feel as though both parents put self-interest far above our sense of safety and security.
From the Divorced Parent’s Viewpoint
If you’re the divorced parent and your adult child is still holding a grudge (or even acting out), it feels dreadful.
It’s painful to be on the receiving end, painful to be unable to “explain” one’s side of the story, and also – painful to be the person who is the friend, the lover, or the mate of the adult parent suffering from the grudge.
I have occasionally dated men with adult children who are still emotionally proximate to their feelings following their parents’ divorce – even if the divorce took place many years earlier.
In one example I recall, the adult child was very close to the mother, parental alienation (against the father) had taken place, and while the father constantly reached out to strengthen the relationship, his 27-year-old remained standoffish. I saw his hurt up close and the ways he tried to tenderly address the past. He couldn’t get through.
I heard his side of the “story” in depth and of course, I never heard the other side, and I’m not in a position to judge.
I overheard cutting remarks the 27-year-old would make in his presence, and every so often, I saw the tiniest indication of both love and hurt. I can only guess that “truth” dwells somewhere in the middle of each player’s version of history. Yet for all the times this divorced father tried to build bridges, his adult child resisted.
I Am an Adult Child of Divorce
As I think back on my own parents’ divorce, I’m certain my mother hoped I would be mad at my father on her behalf. I was in my twenties when my parents split, and my mother had been bad-mouthing my dad for years.
I hoped she would be happier after divorce (naive on my part), but while he moved on – very quickly – she was perpetually pissed off at yours truly for not despising him. Go figure!
Listen. I’m not proposing that we simply forgive and forget what one of our parents may have done to the other. And I certainly understand better now that I have been through marriage, divorce, and years of tumultuous aftermath myself – yet my mother’s situation was never as fraught with financial insecurity or worry for her children as mine.
Why wouldn’t I attempt to see both sides – and love both parents?
As for those grumpy, grouchy, pouting, persnickety non-children who refuse to see their parents as fallible, flawed, and forgivable for non-egregious “wrongs,” I wish they would open their minds, at least a little bit. After all, who isn’t capable of mistakes in judgment?
Also in my own experience, I have seen where a new relationship (a new partner) may help ease an “alienated” adult child’s distance. This needs to be handled delicately of course, and again, is a matter of individual circumstances. But bit by bit, strides can be made.
Will time heal the wounded adult child of divorce, at least in part?
I suppose we can hope – time and life experience, along with open communication. But if one side continues to poison the pot, we may be hard-pressed to make progress, and that’s a shame for all involved.
FAQs About Adult Kids Of Divorce:
What influences children’s behaviors?
Children’s behavior is influenced largely by the words and actions of those around them. Children learn from their parents first, and will likely pick up their behaviors.
Do arguments between parents influence children?
Arguments between parents do influence children and shape up their opinion about them. Children will internalize verbal messages, especially the ones filled with anger, judgment and hurtful words. They think the parent, who may be responding to legitimate grievances, is right about the other parent. The result can be an altered view of the parent being talked about.
Do children forget hurtful behavior?
Children are not likely to forget hurtful behavior. They will also keep in their minds occasions when they feel their parents are putting their own interest above their safety and security.
Do children continue to hold grudges against their parents?
Children may not continue to hold grudges against their parents if they correct their course and stop being hurtful.
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I get what you are saying, but you are seeing this through the filter of your own case. Some of us had a parents that needed to be cut from our lives. They did things that deserved alienation. My mother loved my dad to her dying day, and was constantly telling us how wonderful he was and how we needed to have a relationship with him after he dumped us for a new family. (Mom even invited him to my sister’s wedding a few years ago against our wishes.) I think my mom caused a lot of inadvertant pain because she kept encouraging us to try to forge a relationship with this man who was both self-involved and married to a woman who resented being a step-parent to a second set of step-kids when she had her own children to raise. So many times we went to that man for attention and approval that was never going to come. One by one in adulthood we finally cut him out of our lives, and as a consequence we became much more emotionally healthy. His side of the story…my step-sister passed on how hurt my father was that we had done this. Really? Look, my mom didn’t “[get] the kids in the divorce” as she used to say; she earned the kids in the divorce.
Its interesting that in your write up you yourself appear to only be able to see things through the filter of your own case, especially from the view of your mothers case (PAS??!). So although your mother seemed to ‘on the surface’ push for you to have a relationship with your father you have cut him out anyway…. !##!! What!? – Can you not see a problem here? And instead of working out a healthy relationship with your father and his new family, you sound stuck on being bitter and resentful. There is also no mention of what your dad did that you personally…that was so very awful….. instead you tell how awful your father was to your mother. Did he hit you, rape you… ??? was it really that awful??!? If not, then it may be a good idea to have your own relationship with your father – without any ‘he said she said’ stuff – what do you think? – Is it not possible to think for a moment that you maybe have a problem (PAS?) – your write up sounds angry and as if you will not consider PAS as a possibility in your life? What a shame, because them you could look at things differently and maybe have a better outcome. Good luck with the future – I hope you can find some love in your heart some where and stop what sounds like unnecessary ‘Parent/Step Parent Bashing’ – it was your parent’s marriage not yours – are you ever going to get over it? Your father has a right to a new life (just like you, your mum and anyone else in this world) – have a heart and give him a break – stop alienating him! Unfortunately Parent Alienation Syndrome (PAs) appears evident here.
You are a judgmental person and obvious the other woman so of course your opinion is such. Stop bullying people with counter position to your own.
Just because someone contributes a uterus or sperm to creating a child does not make them a parent.
Did I say how awful my father was to my mother in there anywhere? My father certainly has a right to be happy. Does not mean I have to include myself in his new life; seems like I have the right to be happy too. I am happier with him gone than I was getting the dribs and drabs he spared us. Men and women who blow their families up to pursue their own happiness have to expect some sequelae, no? Everyone keeps using words like grudge and alienation. How about a word like boundaries.
Absolutely I understand this side. I was a child of two divorces and my mother was very open and encouraging of me having a relationship with these two men and I’ve always told my friends to do the same with their kids thru a divorce, BUT now that I’ve divorced after 30 years from a habitual cheater who frequently chose to be with other women versus not just me, but our 2 children and as adults, those 2 kids understand that on their own, they have decided their Dad is not someone they want to have a close meaningful relationship with. for a long time I kept saying he didn’t do anything to you, it was between he and I, but they finally corrected me and told me they didn’t feel that way. They especially dislike this last idiot my ex cheated with and the final catalyst for the divorce. She’s a truly awful person and my kids said they wouldn’t choose to know or like her under any circumstances. As my son says, “Choose the behavior, choose the consequences.”
Al’s 22 yo daughter. Classic. I’ve referred him to you.
When my parents divorced, my mother made a serious attempt at eliminating my father from my life. They call it PAS now. When I got old enought to be heard by a judge, I rebelled went to live with my father. He insisted that I maintain a relationship with her, but she never stopped trying to run him out of my life. Blamed him for everything wrong with the world. Especially for “taking me away from her”. She made our life hell. My father didn’t get a serious girlfriend until I was in college. When I turned 18 and it could no longer blow back on my dad, I cut her out of my life. My (ex) mother inlaw had become my surrogate mom after I started dating her son when I was 15. I let my mother back in a little bit when I had my first child because I thought I owed her two grandmothers. We had an uneasy truce. While taking care of my father when he was ill, I came across his divorce file. Huge mistake. I never understood how bad it was for my dad and I was madder than ever at mom.
I’m sure she has her own view of things. I’m just past caring. I didn’t invite her to my second wedding. My exhusbands entire family was there. On the upside, my ex-husband now handles all of the visits with her. Now that I think about it, I probably own him a bottle of scotch or something.
Adult Kids that hold a Grudge! Excellent article – what an unnecessary cause of pain to others. Sadly Adult Kids seem to use their Parents as scape goats in today’s world. Even more unfortunate is the fact that Adult Kids (that alienate their Parents) believe they are not doing anything wrong – when they are hurting their nearest and dearest. 🙁 In a world where community and care are both becomming more and more rare, and where depression, suicide and lonliness are becomming more prevelent why do Adult Kids become hell bent on hating or cutting off a parent. No matter how many excuses are provided for doing so and about how ‘hard done by’ the Adult Children are – it never ceases to amaze me how Adult Children (who alienate parents) seem to take the easy road and “opt out” of the relationship – consequently alienating a loved one (a parent) that has provided for them as much as they could. What a cold and heartless world this creates for the future, unfortunately it is the children of the Adult children (the grandchildren of the Alienated Parent) that will live in the cold and heartless world that is a result of relationship breakdown and the ongoing excuses that continue to cause a person be be alienated. How Sad, but thank you for openning our eyes to seeing the manipulations and devistation of PAS. The silent nightmare for a Parent and their Adult Children, and the next generation too.
Very well stated.
I am very much this parent. I experienced parental alienation. I just didn’t know what to call it until now. My ex wife was not a good person but I never smeared her with my kids and they do not know my side of the story at all. Nor have they shown any interest in my side of the story. My 24 year old daughter is everything you described here. Standoffish, distant. She will never know how much it tears me to the core of my very being. It is a chronic ache. Like an itch that can not be scratched
Definitely not alone. I was smeared with poison as well.
My 30 year old son is accusing me of making him hate his father and not allowing him to get to know his father’s side of the family.
He moved out of the house to live with his father at his grandmother’s house. He then left his job and was being supported by his father. His father moved in with his girlfriend and left him with his mother. All along I was suspecting that my son was on drugs, when I told the father, he said I am mad.
Three months ago my son was admitted to a rehab because he was arrested with drugs. The father decided not to tell me. The girlfriend paid for the rehab.
As it is he lives with his grandmother and calls me everyday to tell me how much he loves because he wants money.
At times we need to look at things for what they really are!
WOW! I’M so emotional right now.
I was 16 when I had my daughter. I had another daughter at 18. I got married to their father but
I ended up leaving him and my kids 3 years later.
I tried taking them with me but wasn’t able to take care of them properly. I thought my Husband and his mom (next door) was more stable them.
All bad decisions I guess. My kids hate me!
They are now 34 and 36.
.
I have been miserable for years! I have been trying so hard to have a relationship with my kids. My oldest has a daughter that is my only Grandbaby. We are extremely close. I do have a relationship with my oldest…but not as close as most mother daughter relationships. I think my relationship with my granddaughter is AWESOME. I have No relationship with my youngest daughter. She hates me!