It isn’t the first time I’ve heard of this situation – a couple in the process of divorcing, still living under the same roof. In fact, for a short period of time, my ex and I were doing just that. But color me apoplectic!
Live with my estranged spouse under the same roof?
I must have been crazy to think it was possible – though at the time, I still thought we would somehow work things out. So did everyone else I knew, and they reassured me it would All Be Alright.
Can you spell D-E-N-I-A-L?
We may have been under the same roof (when he was in town), but he took advantage at every turn. He treated me like crap. It got very nasty, very fast. And it confused our children.
To make matters worse, we resided in fairly close quarters. Even with him in the guest room for about two months, the common areas were shared and were, let’s just say… uncommonly problematic.
It was lousy. The only thing it wasn’t lousy for was hubby’s bank account, though mine was already draining away between legal expenses and his refusal to contribute to the household.
Score one for idiotic idealism, and anything but divorcing politely. He was a “my way or the highway” sort of guy, but though he wanted the divorce and I didn’t, it took some doing to get him out of the house!
I dated a man some years back who lived with his estranged ex-wife in their family home for a considerable period of time – not only during their separation, but also after their divorce. I was dumfounded. They successfully managed this feat for more than a year for the sake of the child – or rather, the teenager.
He was hers by a first marriage, but the kid adored his step-dad. And the soon-to-be-ex family unit cohabited – politely – until the 17-year old graduated from high school and moved away with his mom.
Now I will add that the house was big – plenty of room for privacy, and relatively little need to bump into each other. Yet they also continued to enjoy many of their meals as a “family,” though I can’t begin to imagine what it was like for the two adults on the occasions they found themselves at home alone together.
Fighting? Silence? Depression?
I always wondered what it must have been like for the child – knowing his mother’s marriage was over, knowing when he went on to college that would likely be end of his relationship with the only father figure he had known for the past 5 years. I also couldn’t imagine what it must have been like knowing that both of the adults had put their feelings aside to civilly coexist for his benefit.
I knew of another couple that did something similar for several years – yes years – again for the benefit of the children who were teenagers, and also as a matter of financial survival. I got the impression they weren’t crazy about the situation, but it appeared – at least to friends – that they were navigating their course acceptably, and doing the best under the circumstances.
The hubby was dating this entire time, from what I was understood. I wondered about her. I wondered what they really felt. I wondered how the children were processing the compartmentalization taking place – and how it would affect them in the long run.
A positive model? A baffling model? As adolescents, did they care, as long as their world wasn’t unduly rocked?
And I find myself curious if others have given this a go.
- Did you live with your spouse during your separation? Could you? Would you? And if so – because of money or the children?
- Did you live with your spouse after divorce? How long did you manage it, and how did the kids do when you finally found yourselves in separate accommodations?
- Did you date during that time? What kind of rules did you set about bringing someone home for a little private “together time?”
Hey… We all have our ideas of what makes for an ideal living situation. Over the years, we change, our needs change, our situations change. I know what works for me now is very different from what worked for me once. Nevertheless, I marvel at those who weather the separation and divorce process under the same roof, whatever their rationale.
Recently I heard another tale of a similar arrangement. An acquaintance, some 15 years married, mentioned in passing that she was now divorced. You could have blown me over with a sigh. Not only was I deeply saddened, but I was stunned. I had heard her stories off and on for years, and nothing ever seemed amiss. Naturally, that goes to show that we never know what goes on behind closed doors.
I am painfully aware that neighbors, friends, and family were shocked when they heard yours truly was going through a divorce.
More stunning to me – apparently they are still living together and have been throughout their separation. I didn’t pursue on a personal level; I asked her how she and the children were doing. The response: It was a long time coming and it wasn’t a surprise. We’re still adjusting, but we’re really okay.
Then it occurred to me. She and her ex-husband exemplify “Divorce With Integrity.” Whatever the reasons their marriage ended, whatever the reasons they chose to stay together for a significant period of time – the demeanor and words of my acquaintance demonstrate that two adults can do right by each other, and can do what’s best for their children even when the marriage is ending.
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My ex and I had made the final decision to divorce after the nth “save your marriage” retreat. We were at peace with the decision, had agreed to share custody our our children and had worked out all of the property stuff. I know that he was very dissapointed (I was the one who needed the divorce), but I was looking forward to moving on.
And then I found out I was pregnant. I was freaked out about going through it alone and he was freaked out about bonding with our child if he wasn’t there every day. Long story short, we put the divorce on hold until our daughter was two. We agreed that we’d both put dating on hold and layed out some ground rules. It was pretty wierd at first, but I was so appreciative of the help he provided. We did tell the kids that we planned to divorce, but were going to wait. It was a bit confusing, but it was eased a bit when they saw that we were keeping the promise to always be friends.
This is a remarkable story, and my hat is off to both of you for handling it so well. Keeping promises is such an important lesson to teach children. And staying friends is something few of us can do, but it would be terrific if more of us could.
I was forced to live with my ex during the separation because he refused to leave. He had no problem leaving 3 previous times! It was a nightmare! Once we were in front of judge for a preliminary hearing the judge ordered that the adults move in and out per the child custody agreement. Having joint 50/50 custody this meant that every two days and every other weekend we were having to pack bags to stay somewhere else. I lived on an air mattress at my friends house for over a year. To make matters worse, my exN had an affair with my best friend. So not only was I dealing with the betrayal of my husband, but my best friend, who was like my sister. So, when I was not in house she was — Cooking in my kitchen, sleeping in my bed, using my bathroom. My emotions were on a roller coaster and after a year I finally moved out. This was a year and a half ago….I would still be living like that since our home has not sold yet.
There were no benefits for the kids, for me, or financial gains. It was a nightmare and I almost had a breakdown. I still get pains when I have to pack to go anywhere because it reminds me of that time. The anger and hurt between my ex and I could be sensed by anyone…even the kids and it was my job to protect my children from that. It is better now because Mom and Dad have separate homes and they can understand that.
I do not recommend this to anyone and I still have issues with the judge who thought it was a good idea. I had to stand up for myself and my kids and I didn’t care what the judge ruled.
DJ, I can’t help but be curious about how your situation affected your children. You say it was hard on you but you don’t mention them. I would think that a major benefit to the children would be, being able to stay in their home. Not being the ones who had to pack a suitcase on a regular basis and travel back and forth.
I think the judge made a decision he thought was best for your children and in most cases if parents are able to put their own feelings aside, “nesting” type custody works well for children.
I understand that having children stay in their home can be beneficial. I tried for over a year and through numerous separations. But the constant “changing of the guard” took a toll on them. In the end, my Ex N and I had very different ways of running a household and parenting….this was one of our breaking points….and it caused more stress in the. I feel that my children were able to adapt better when two homes were set up. The expectations were easier for them to understand (they are both under 9 years of age). I felt I became a better parent because the stress of living in a bad situation was reduced. My kids have adapted well. At both homes each child has their own space, wardrobe, toys, and other necessities. Between my ex and I, we freely allow things to move back and forth between homes and exchange things if one household is getting low on something.
Even if “nesting” is best for the kids, how is it possible? Financially, I could not afford to keep up multiple residences. I did not get child support or alimony. Nor could I continue to ask my friend to put up with my in and out lifestyle in her own home. As much as I tried to keep it as “normal” as possible for the kids it was never going to be. It breaks my heart that my kids have to grow up like this, but I try to make the transition less stressful for them.
I understand that having children stay in their home can be beneficial. I tried for over a year and through numerous separations. But the constant “changing of the guard” took a toll on them. In the end, my Ex N and I had very different ways of running a household and parenting….this was one of our breaking points….and it caused more stress in the. I feel that my children were able to adapt better when two homes were set up. The expectations were easier for them to understand (they are both under 9 years of age). I felt I became a better parent because the stress of living in a bad situation was reduced. My kids have adapted well. At both homes each child has their own space, wardrobe, toys, and other necessities. Between my ex and I, we freely allow things to move back and forth between homes and exchange things if one household is getting low on something.
Even if “nesting” is best for the kids, how is it possible? Financially, I could not afford to keep up multiple residences. I did not get child support or alimony. Nor could I continue to ask my friend to put up with my in and out lifestyle in her own home. As much as I tried to keep it as “normal” as possible for the kids it was never going to be. It breaks my heart that my kids have to grow up like this, but I try to make the transition less stressful for them.
I understand that having children stay in their home can be beneficial. I tried for over a year and through numerous separations. But the constant “changing of the guard” took a toll on them. In the end, my Ex N and I had very different ways of running a household and parenting….this was one of our breaking points….and it caused more stress in the. I feel that my children were able to adapt better when two homes were set up. The expectations were easier for them to understand (they are both under 9 years of age). I felt I became a better parent because the stress of living in a bad situation was reduced. My kids have adapted well. At both homes each child has their own space, wardrobe, toys, and other necessities. Between my ex and I, we freely allow things to move back and forth between homes and exchange things if one household is getting low on something.
Even if “nesting” is best for the kids, how is it possible? Financially, I could not afford to keep up multiple residences. I did not get child support or alimony. Nor could I continue to ask my friend to put up with my in and out lifestyle in her own home. As much as I tried to keep it as “normal” as possible for the kids it was never going to be. It breaks my heart that my kids have to grow up like this, but I try to make the transition less stressful for them.
I understand that having children stay in their home can be beneficial. I tried for over a year and through numerous separations. But the constant “changing of the guard” took a toll on them. In the end, my Ex N and I had very different ways of running a household and parenting….this was one of our breaking points….and it caused more stress. I feel that my children were able to adapt better when two homes were set up. The expectations were easier for them to understand (they are both under 9 years of age). I felt I became a better parent because the stress of living in a bad situation was reduced. My kids have adapted well. At both homes each child has their own space, wardrobe, toys, and other necessities. Between my ex and I, we freely allow things to move back and forth between homes and exchange things if one household is getting low on something.
Even if “nesting” is best for the kids, how is it possible? Financially, I could not afford to keep up multiple residences. I did not get child support or alimony. Nor could I continue to ask my friend to put up with my in and out lifestyle in her own home. As much as I tried to keep it as “normal” as possible for the kids it was never going to be. It breaks my heart that my kids have to grow up like this, but I try to make the transition less stressful for them.
I understand that having children stay in their home can be beneficial. I tried for over a year and through numerous separations. But the constant “changing of the guard” took a toll on them. In the end, my Ex N and I had very different ways of running a household and parenting….this was one of our breaking points….and it caused more stress. I feel that my children were able to adapt better when two homes were set up. The expectations were easier for them to understand (they are both under 9 years of age). I felt I became a better parent because the stress of living in a bad situation was reduced. My kids have adapted well. At both homes each child has their own space, wardrobe, toys, and other necessities. Between my ex and I, we freely allow things to move back and forth between homes and exchange things if one household is getting low on something.
Even if “nesting” is best for the kids, how is it possible? Financially, I could not afford to keep up multiple residences. I did not get child support or alimony. Nor could I continue to ask my friend to put up with my in and out lifestyle in her own home. As much as I tried to keep it as “normal” as possible for the kids it was never going to be. It breaks my heart that my kids have to grow up like this, but I try to make the transition less stressful for them.
I understand that having children stay in their home can be beneficial. I tried for over a year and through numerous separations. But the constant “changing of the guard” took a toll on them. In the end, my Ex N and I had very different ways of running a household and parenting….this was one of our breaking points….and it caused more stress. I feel that my children were able to adapt better when two homes were set up. The expectations were easier for them to understand (they are both under 9 years of age). I felt I became a better parent because the stress of living in a bad situation was reduced. My kids have adapted well. At both homes each child has their own space, wardrobe, toys, and other necessities. Between my ex and I, we freely allow things to move back and forth between homes and exchange things if one household is getting low on something.
Even if “nesting” is best for the kids, how is it possible? Financially, I could not afford to keep up multiple residences. I did not get child support or alimony. Nor could I continue to ask my friend to put up with my in and out lifestyle in her own home. As much as I tried to keep it as “normal” as possible for the kids it was never going to be. It breaks my heart that my kids have to grow up like this, but I try to make the transition less stressful for them.
I understand that having children stay in their home can be beneficial. I tried for over a year and through numerous separations. But the constant “changing of the guard” took a toll on them. In the end, my Ex N and I had very different ways of running a household and parenting….this was one of our breaking points….and it caused more stress. I feel that my children were able to adapt better when two homes were set up. The expectations were easier for them to understand (they are both under 9 years of age). I felt I became a better parent because the stress of living in a bad situation was reduced. My kids have adapted well. At both homes each child has their own space, wardrobe, toys, and other necessities. Between my ex and I, we freely allow things to move back and forth between homes and exchange things if one household is getting low on something.
Even if “nesting” is best for the kids, how is it possible? Financially, I could not afford to keep up multiple residences. I did not get child support or alimony. Nor could I continue to ask my friend to put up with my in and out lifestyle in her own home. As much as I tried to keep it as “normal” as possible for the kids it was never going to be. It breaks my heart that my kids have to grow up like this, but I try to make the transition less stressful for them.
I understand that having children stay in their home can be beneficial. I tried for over a year and through numerous separations. But the constant “changing of the guard” took a toll on them. In the end, my Ex N and I had very different ways of running a household and parenting….this was one of our breaking points….and it caused more stress. I feel that my children were able to adapt better when two homes were set up. The expectations were easier for them to understand (they are both under 9 years of age). I felt I became a better parent because the stress of living in a bad situation was reduced. My kids have adapted well. At both homes each child has their own space, wardrobe, toys, and other necessities. Between my ex and I, we freely allow things to move back and forth between homes and exchange things if one household is getting low on something.
Even if “nesting” is best for the kids, how is it possible? Financially, I could not afford to keep up multiple residences. I did not get child support or alimony. Nor could I continue to ask my friend to put up with my in and out lifestyle in her own home. As much as I tried to keep it as “normal” as possible for the kids it was never going to be. It breaks my heart that my kids have to grow up like this, but I try to make the transition less stressful for them.
I understand that having children stay in their home can be beneficial. I tried for over a year and through numerous separations. But the constant “changing of the guard” took a toll on them. In the end, my Ex N and I had very different ways of running a household and parenting….this was one of our breaking points….and it caused more stress. I feel that my children were able to adapt better when two homes were set up. The expectations were easier for them to understand (they are both under 9 years of age). I felt I became a better parent because the stress of living in a bad situation was reduced. My kids have adapted well. At both homes each child has their own space, wardrobe, toys, and other necessities. Between my ex and I, we freely allow things to move back and forth between homes and exchange things if one household is getting low on something.
Even if “nesting” is best for the kids, how is it possible? Financially, I could not afford to keep up multiple residences. I did not get child support or alimony. Nor could I continue to ask my friend to put up with my in and out lifestyle in her own home. As much as I tried to keep it as “normal” as possible for the kids it was never going to be. It breaks my heart that my kids have to grow up like this, but I try to make the transition less stressful for them.
I understand that having children stay in their home can be beneficial. I tried for over a year and through numerous separations. But the constant “changing of the guard” took a toll on them. In the end, my Ex N and I had very different ways of running a household and parenting….this was one of our breaking points….and it caused more stress. I feel that my children were able to adapt better when two homes were set up. The expectations were easier for them to understand (they are both under 9 years of age). I felt I became a better parent because the stress of living in a bad situation was reduced. My kids have adapted well. At both homes each child has their own space, wardrobe, toys, and other necessities. Between my ex and I, we freely allow things to move back and forth between homes and exchange things if one household is getting low on something.
Even if “nesting” is best for the kids, how is it possible? Financially, I could not afford to keep up multiple residences. I did not get child support or alimony. Nor could I continue to ask my friend to put up with my in and out lifestyle in her own home. As much as I tried to keep it as “normal” as possible for the kids it was never going to be. It breaks my heart that my kids have to grow up like this, but I try to make the transition less stressful for them.
I understand that having children stay in their home can be beneficial. I tried for over a year and through numerous separations. But the constant “changing of the guard” took a toll on them. In the end, my Ex N and I had very different ways of running a household and parenting….this was one of our breaking points….and it caused more stress. I feel that my children were able to adapt better when two homes were set up. The expectations were easier for them to understand (they are both under 9 years of age). I felt I became a better parent because the stress of living in a bad situation was reduced. My kids have adapted well. At both homes each child has their own space, wardrobe, toys, and other necessities. Between my ex and I, we freely allow things to move back and forth between homes and exchange things if one household is getting low on something.
Even if “nesting” is best for the kids, how is it possible? Financially, I could not afford to keep up multiple residences. I did not get child support or alimony. Nor could I continue to ask my friend to put up with my in and out lifestyle in her own home. As much as I tried to keep it as “normal” as possible for the kids it was never going to be. It breaks my heart that my kids have to grow up like this, but I try to make the transition less stressful for them.
I understand that having children stay in their home can be beneficial. I tried for over a year and through numerous separations. But the constant “changing of the guard” took a toll on them. In the end, my Ex N and I had very different ways of running a household and parenting….this was one of our breaking points….and it caused more stress. I feel that my children were able to adapt better when two homes were set up. The expectations were easier for them to understand (they are both under 9 years of age). I felt I became a better parent because the stress of living in a bad situation was reduced. My kids have adapted well. At both homes each child has their own space, wardrobe, toys, and other necessities. Between my ex and I, we freely allow things to move back and forth between homes and exchange things if one household is getting low on something.
Even if “nesting” is best for the kids, how is it possible? Financially, I could not afford to keep up multiple residences. I did not get child support or alimony. Nor could I continue to ask my friend to put up with my in and out lifestyle in her own home. As much as I tried to keep it as “normal” as possible for the kids it was never going to be. It breaks my heart that my kids have to grow up like this, but I try to make the transition less stressful for them.
I understand that having children stay in their home can be beneficial. I tried for over a year and through numerous separations. But the constant “changing of the guard” took a toll on them. In the end, my Ex N and I had very different ways of running a household and parenting….this was one of our breaking points….and it caused more stress. I feel that my children were able to adapt better when two homes were set up. The expectations were easier for them to understand (they are both under 9 years of age). I felt I became a better parent because the stress of living in a bad situation was reduced. My kids have adapted well. At both homes each child has their own space, wardrobe, toys, and other necessities. Between my ex and I, we freely allow things to move back and forth between homes and exchange things if one household is getting low on something.
Even if “nesting” is best for the kids, how is it possible? Financially, I could not afford to keep up multiple residences. I did not get child support or alimony. Nor could I continue to ask my friend to put up with my in and out lifestyle in her own home. As much as I tried to keep it as “normal” as possible for the kids it was never going to be. It breaks my heart that my kids have to grow up like this, but I try to make the transition less stressful for them.
I understand that having children stay in their home can be beneficial. I tried for over a year and through numerous separations. But the constant “changing of the guard” took a toll on them. In the end, my Ex N and I had very different ways of running a household and parenting….this was one of our breaking points….and it caused more stress. I feel that my children were able to adapt better when two homes were set up. The expectations were easier for them to understand (they are both under 9 years of age). I felt I became a better parent because the stress of living in a bad situation was reduced. My kids have adapted well. At both homes each child has their own space, wardrobe, toys, and other necessities. Between my ex and I, we freely allow things to move back and forth between homes and exchange things if one household is getting low on something.
Even if “nesting” is best for the kids, how is it possible? Financially, I could not afford to keep up multiple residences. I did not get child support or alimony. Nor could I continue to ask my friend to put up with my in and out lifestyle in her own home. As much as I tried to keep it as “normal” as possible for the kids it was never going to be. It breaks my heart that my kids have to grow up like this, but I try to make the transition less stressful for them.
My STBXH is living in our house until the divorce is final. The reason is he isnt working and if he moved out, I would have to foot the bill for another residence for him. Since we have about 3 months for the divorce to be done, I figured I could hold out and save the money for things like the divorce.
We live in separate areas of the house. We do share common areas. Its difficult on the kids because we are still living “normally” though they know at some point he is moving out. So I am not sure they fully realize how it will be in the next 90 days.
Hi Autumn. This has to be very hard, but it sounds like you are both handling it like adults. Yes, it will be hard on the kids. But that’s usually the case when the split actually occurs. Wishing you all the best, D. A.
Hi Autumn. This has to be very hard, but it sounds like you are both handling it like adults. Yes, it will be hard on the kids. But that’s usually the case when the split actually occurs. Wishing you all the best, D. A.
Hi Autumn. This has to be very hard, but it sounds like you are both handling it like adults. Yes, it will be hard on the kids. But that’s usually the case when the split actually occurs. Wishing you all the best, D. A.
Yes, I did live with an estranged husband for 34 years and never knew it until he left me only 18 months ago, walked out without a clue that he wasn’t happy, and nothing was ever said. I always knew “something” was wrong while married to him, He as shy when I met him while both he and I were stationed in the Navy at Pearl Harbor, Hi. I even asked a freind of mine to introduce me to this tall, good looking sailor. Even though I always knew I was outgoing, full of energy, loved people and laughter, I thought he was good enough to be around, as he kind-of “settleed me down” beacause not only did my being in the military give me the disipline and focus I needed, but he too, my boy friend before we married give me that feeling too.
But… now I know we should have parted ways eons ago. If you don’t know the type of person that best suits you, especially during a long-term relationship, you melt in and blend in with his, forgetting who you are. This is what happened to me. My husband of 34 years, (we are getting divorced soon) is a type A personality, goal orientated, shy, book reader, no friends so to speak around him at all during our entire married life, while I on the other hand am a type B personality, who is creative, bubbly, energetic, and loves to be around people and friiends I know now who I am and have always been and while regret is not good for you in order to move on, I do regret my staying in this relationship with someone too long.
I was also married to a functional alcoholic, but really didn’t know that either, since drinking is part of Navy life, and my husband was able to accomplish good things including obtaining his bacbelors in business, a mastere degree from the Naval Post Graduate School in IT, became an Naval Officer from Enlisted, and many more things, but 2 DUI’s ruined cars, and the arrogance of him to think he did nothing wrong, cannot apologize for his actions, or to me, makes ne realize just how horrible my relationship with this man realy was. Being a Jewish girl from NY, whose parents didn’t drink left me with no clue either as to what or who was an alcoholic. You cannot change people, no matter how hard you try, and a narcisisit at that too, is doubly hard.
So, life does go on and cannot wait to part ways for good with someone who I should not have gotten mixed up with in the first place. But who ever knows when you are 22 and 23 years old what type of person best suits you? You don’t
Best to all
I’ve been living with my estranged husband for the last 4 1/2 years, because he was diagnosed with cancer just as our relationship ended. Our two children have no idea that our marriage is over or that their dad has cancer. The think we have seperate bedrooms because their dad snores. Sometimes you have to try and make it work, now matter how difficult it is.
HELP!!! IT’S NOT ALWAYS THE ‘WIFE’ IMPRISONED
I have been estranged from my wife for 8 months now living in the same house. It’s like being in a nightmare. I never know when its going to end. She wont divorce me and I wont divorce her but she refuses to work on the marriage. We stay together for our kids. I’m not very happy but try to hide it from my children. I don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore. I feel very lost and alone.