“Should I ask Dad?”
That’s what my son said. We were on the phone, catching up. Talking about this and that. And then the subject of old friends came up. Friends of my ex, though once they were my friends, too. Friends who felt like family.
I took a long, slow,
deep breath. The separateness of their father’s life and my life has been cemented by years of not talking, or barely talking, which has suited both of us. And this wasn’t critical, so why rock the boat? We are, more or less, past issues of money and logistics. One son is now out of college, and my younger, to whom I was speaking, has a year and a few months left.
I hate putting him or his brother in the middle for any reason. I hated it years ago, when it was necessary at times; I hate it now, when it is less so.
Both my sons found themselves mediating between their parents more often than I would have liked. In a way, they had to advocate for themselves over certain issues, as communication from me tended to fan the flames no matter what I did.
No doubt, this is a common scenario.
What may be a little less common is that it went on for years. And years. And years.
This time, it was a small issue — my issue only, and a matter of understanding multiple sides. And being sensitive to the legitimacy of all points of view.
Compassionate Kids
Like most mothers, I did my best for my kids, and I still do. Like most divorced mothers, I wish some things could have gone down differently.
To my amazement and relief, the challenges we faced as a family seem to have resulted in their becoming compassionate young men. I will never know the depth of hurt they absorbed — from me and from their dad — but I see how well they seem to be doing, and like I said, I am relieved.
I also respect them for always trying to see both sides. Perhaps that was the only way to ensure they had a relationship with both parents. How they are with my ex? On pleasant terms. On “guy” terms.
How they are with me?
Deeply caring.
But in the Big Black Hole of virtually zero communication between my ex and myself, I am struggling with this conundrum — the issue of these friends, discussed with my son. Once upon a time, they were mutual friends. And in a couple of months, I’ll be passing through the town where they reside.
Do I stop to say hello, or do I let sleeping dogs lie?
When the Ex Gets the Friends
Does it matter that we were all very close during my marriage? Does it matter that I still hurt over the fact that they took sides so many years ago? Do I factor in the knowledge that I have only received secondhand communications as to what they were up to, that communication typically coming from my kids?
And yet there have been years of “say hello to your mom from us” or similar greetings conveyed on my part, also through my children: “When you see them, and I imagine you will, please give them my best.”
When your ex gets custody of the friends, must that be forever? If all they do is pass along a word through intermediaries, should we simply leave it at that? Do we ever move beyond the pain when friends and family choose sides?
I have no desire to make this couple uncomfortable. On the contrary; I only wish them good things. But I’ve heard he’s been ill, and I can’t help but be concerned. And so I find myself with this odd quandary. Do I call to say hello? If that goes well, do I visit? Is that selfish of me — or kind? Would it anger my ex, which I prefer not to do?
And my son, sweet kid that he is, was trying to figure out how he could help me decide. Thus, his question: “Should I ask Dad?”
Family Gatherings Are Still Awkward
Our little family, such as it is, managed to survive two high school graduations and — so far — one college graduation.
In the first two instances, my ex had to fly into town. I bent over backwards being polite, because I knew it was best for the kids.
As for the college graduation about a year and a half ago?
This time, it was I who had to fly off for the celebration, as my ex lived near the campus.
At one of the events that weekend, I struck up a conversation with my ex’s wife. She was pleasant and polite – I expected nothing less – yet he didn’t speak to me. I imagine we’ll have a replay of that when my younger son graduates in another year.
And I’m guessing that any family gatherings in the future will be more of the same. If there is communication necessary, which is rare these days, it goes through the kids.
And I say to myself: The silent treatment. Still weird, after all these years.
Echoes of Loss
I am surprised at the intensity of loss, and the way it wells up again like some inevitable tide that washes over us and threatens to pull us under. And when divorce is involved, the casualties are greater than an ending with a spouse; there are spaces emptied of people we loved, emptied of belief systems, emptied of a kinder version of ourselves.
I thought for a moment after my son’s question.
“No, that would be weird. Don’t ask your dad.”
“Okay,” he said.
“I’ll play it by ear,” I added. “Besides, I have time before I have to figure it out.”
After I got off the phone I couldn’t shake the sadness. And for a moment, just a moment, I wondered if I would have the strength, the “normalcy” to pick up the phone and call my ex myself.
And ask: Would my hello to this couple be welcome? Would a visit be appropriate? Would you prefer I not, and more importantly, would they prefer I not?
I haven’t picked up the phone.
“Let sleeping dogs lie,” I tell myself.
Meanwhile, my conundrum persists: Would seeing these people I still miss be an act of love, of friendship, of caring? Would it be taken as a gift or considered an intrusion? Should I break a pattern and call my ex — and just ask?
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This is a really good article bringing up good questions and problems of the long term consequences of a divorced couple with kids involved. My own divorce is just about 3 years, my kids ages are 11 and almost 9 so i am a bit behind you as much I don’t want to wish my children’s childhood away I anxiously await to see if my children come out healthy, well adjusted adults in spite of mine and their dads divorce 3 years ago and present day virtually no verbal communication between the 2 of us (thank god for the invention of texting). All of these questions i am now facing, being with my ex from age of 16 to 33, his family was my family, his close friends were my close friends. Our friendship split as they were before we were ever a couple. His on his side, mine on mine, and very recently i had to come to a hard decision when his uncle who i adored as an uncle as well passed away. Should I go? Would I be welcomed? How severe would the uncomfotable factor be? (he betrayed, we divorced he went on to marry his affair partner now wife #2) As i sat for days trying to figure out the mechanics of how i could judge when him and his wife would possibly not be at the funeral home vs. preparing a suitable exit strategy should i be snubbed or making others obviously uncomfortable, a thought popped into my head, why am i putting my own mental health below that of doing the “right” thing, high road, showing care to people who may not care or whatever the hell you want to call it. I made a decision to send a sympathy card and leave it at that. The uncle surely isnt the one who is benefiting from my attendance, he has moved on. I don’t need formality or even a funeral to grieve for him and the wonderful person he was/is. I need to keep my mental health/ recovery priority #1. Like you would a tangible scab on the body, it does no good to pick at it and keep the healing/recovery stretch out longer. Everyone’s situation is different and everyone needs to make their own decisions with regards to pre divorce family and friends. For my own situation, i chose to leave all pre divorce family and friends where they need to stay, in the past. They were all good people for the time they were supposed to be in my life, but the road ahead is a life without and i do my own health and well being no good by upsetting my path, regardless of what society dictates or normals say i need to do otherwise.
Boy, do I understand where you are, Nadine. Especially with regard to my ex’s family. I have very little family left, myself. I haven’t had family for years. His family WAS my family, and I think they felt the same way, too. I have the same situation with regard to his parents, now getting up there. And I’m uncertain what to do about them too.
Ironically (cruelly?) – he stuck himself into the lives of ALL my friends and what little family I did have – even though I didn’t want him to and several of them didn’t want him to. He felt like he was entitled; they tolerated it. One was fine with it. It’s a very very tough call.
And yes – keep YOUR mental health / recovery priority #1. But in situations like this, in divorces like this, where there really isn’t a full settling down even after years, it’s a challenge. It’s important to be able to know you aren’t alone, to talk to those who get it, and be the vessel for your kids and their feelings. And it’s okay for them to see yours, too. At least, I think so. Your hurt, your ambivalence. As long as they see far more strength, determination, love, joy.
My two cents. And thank you for this thoughtful comment.
There is no reason to ask your ex husband anything. If you and your son feel truly compelled to visit with these people, than you should do so. They may have always wanted to reconnect with you and were hesitant.
Either way, safe travels 🙂
For the most part, my ex and I share custody of our married friends. I think it worked this way because we each, in our own way told them it was OK and made being our friends a safe place to be. Shortly after our separation, I found out that my ex had been excluded from something because I was attending. I called the host up and told her it really was OK. We both went. I had a great time.
But that only works if it if you both can own your own baggage. I’ve since remarried and my new husband got all of his old married friends except her best friend. It’s sad, but she’s an aweful person and what goes around comes around.
For me the decision is about do I have a right to be there (like a significant event for our child) and what kind of imposition does it cause the host (don’t be extra stress at a funeral on your ex’s side).
Very good advice, JennyD. Thank you.
Thanks for your comment, Erika. I’m still undecided. I have awhile yet, but it’s a very grey area, particularly as they have communicated their regards through the kids for a number of years. We’ll see…
DA
The old saying “you can never go home again” I think for the most part holds true. There are some friends that we do not talk to or see regularly but when you see them (even years later) you seem to have not lost a beat – the warmth and closeness has not changed.
This seems different in that they chose sides and neither they nor you has kept in contact. It does not seem as if it would be like old times. Say hello to your mom seems akin to “we should get together sometimes for a coffee.” It is friendly and polite, but the impetus to do so is never followed through on as there is no real desire. If there was a desire they would have picked up the phone or emailed.
If they did pick your ex over you and not keep contact with you, what is the point of contacting them and you would never trust them.
Further there is no reason whatesoever to contact the ex husband as it really has nothing to do with him.
Finally you can never go home. I have tried it a few times and it does not work. Others have told me the same thing for the most part with rare occaision of it actually being the same. Things change and you cannot recapture the past….regardless of how much we would like to. As a writer perhaps in a way you are able to recapture the past, but in writing and concepts.
really? just write to the friends and tell them you are concerned and that you love them! ask them to call you!Then wait. You will soon have your answer.
Has EVERYONE forgotten how to put pen to paper?
Holy cow.