I know they must exist. (Like leprechauns and Karmic retribution.)
Nice divorced couples. The ones that can hold a conversation, agree on matters that pertain to their kids, stand in the same room without agita or acting out.
I dated a guy some years ago who spoke glowingly of his first wife. (There were several after that.)
Number One? It was the stereotypical starter marriage. They were friends before they dated, then they married, split a year later, and eased back into becoming friends again. The friendship had continued for decades. Impressive, no?
I think I even knew one of those nice, reasonable, polite couples when I was growing up – a cousin of my mother fell in love with another man. She was a woman in her forties, had three kids, and somehow, there was no muss no fuss (or so it seemed to extended family) – and within two years or so, she and her new hubby along with her ex and the kids all managed to get along.
And holiday dinners with families?
Pleasant before their split; still pleasant after.
Friends, even.
“So that’s divorce,” I thought, when I was a kid. No wonder my Seriously Unhappy Mama elicited this remark from me: “If you’re so unhappy, then get a divorce.” Naturally, at age 13, 14, 15… I didn’t yet know how nasty, grueling, and heart wrenching it can be – not to mention wildly destructive to your finances, shattering to who you think you are, and isolating from people you considered long-time confidantes. And I’m certain the cousins I mention went through a trying transition, as would have their children. Certainly, cordial relations all round must have helped.
If I reach back… way back… perhaps I can find other examples of “nice” divorced couples.
I’m reaching… I’m leaning… I’m lunging… I’m turning myself into a pretzel… Nope.
That’s all I can come up with except for a woman I used to read occasionally who talked a good game about her ex – they shared meals with the kids and so on – and for awhile things seemed calm, though I’m guessing the situation took its toll on her. There were glimmers of resentments and tussles as time wore on (and he was involved with someone else). Still, I give her props for her determination in keeping things as amicable as possible.
On television we have examples of everything under the sun – great love, or the small screen portrayal of it any way – and we see exes of all sorts that squabble, and they also hook up… Go figure. And then there are the Jenner-Kardashians. (They were in the news again tonight, with their divorce actually filed.) Theoretically they are and plan to remain close friends.
That would be nice, yes. (And also in their best business interests?)
As for exes as friends, I consider my mother’s situation. 30 years of marriage and 4 years of courtship before that. When it was over (and my dad moved on quickly), she didn’t. She went after him with a vengeance and spoke bitterly of him, especially when he remarried. I understand better now than I did at the time, given that I went through a tough divorce of my own that makes hers look like child’s play.
Yet none of her venom could get me to dislike my dad. He was, for me, about unconditional love. Sadly, I had it for too short a time.
Maybe that’s part of the secret – not only with exes but with everyone. We need to understand that life is precious, feuding is a pointless time suck, and if possible – it’s so much better to be friends than enemies. Not that I would know. But if you’re lucky, you know, and so do your kids.
Because you’re one of the “nice” divorced couples.
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My ex-husband and I are one of those “nice” couples. We are friends and co-parents. I’ve remarried and he gets along well with my new husband. Our boys are the same age and have become best buds, and constantly want to do things together, which has led my husband and ex to become friends. My ex is the scout leader for our boys den and it’s an all dad show. They seem to have as much fun as the kids do. I think the dads would be crushed if their boy decided to quit.
I will say that we are not lucky, we’ve worked at it. It started with how we divorced and has been a continual work in progress. We pretty much resolved our issues and then came to the conclusion that we shouldn’t be together (actually that I needed to leave the marriage, my ex would have stayed, but had the grace to let me go). My ex was nice and supportive of the guys I dated after we split and I’ve befriended (or attempted to) his girlfriends (once they made it to meet the ex wife level, but before they make it to meet the kids), mostly because one of them will end up being my kids step mom and I don’t want to live my life with step parent drama. My dealings with my husbands ex is enough for any 10 people.
I think one of the things that I see that separates us from the others is how we deal with the kids. From the beginning it was about respecting the other as a parent and sharing custody as equals. We go to school events and kid stuff together. My parenting time is about where the backpack is not a reason to deny an activity with their father. As a result, our kids freely flow back and forth between houses without any rankor. My oldest daughter is a hard core daddy’s girl (just like me), so she spends most of her time at her dad’s, but it is not like he won a custody fight or he’s the “primary parent” (as I hear so many moms say). It’s just where she lives. We still talk (actually mostly text, does anybody use their iPhone to talk anymore?) every day and get together.
Contrast that with my husbands ex-wife. She’s a gatekeeper that continues to wage war using her kids as pawns. If she could reduce my husbands time with his son by one minute, she’d do it. If there was a minor issue that she could blow into a mountain to get that minute, there’s no level that she wouldn’t stoop to.
The other thing is that I think the warring couples never solved what the war was about. They fought when they were married and then split up, thinking it would stop the fighting, but it didn’t. Their only hope is for a cold war to replace the pitched battle. It’s so sad because they will be tied to each other until the day they die.
I too am one of the “nice” divorced couples. I think Jenny you hit the nail on the head in your reply “My parenting time is about where the backpack is not a reason to deny an activity with their father.” so absolutely true!
I sometimes get a bit riled up when people think that getting along means we just didn’t have much emotion to begin with (there were big fights and even some things broken) or that I am rolling over and being too nice (I’m not!) or hiding my true feelings (I don’t) .
It’s plain hard work, a willingess to manage my own “stuff” accept others for what they can give not what is fair or what I think they should. It’s an ongoing relationship and we all do our parts. Our kids are doing great even if they don’t like the two-home family complications, but this is just how our family is.
I know that not everyone can do this- sometimes and ex is just too difficult. I don’t mean to make people feel bad/blamed/judged if they can’t and have to just put up good fences to keep the situation livable. Still, what is so important to me is to let people know is that we aren’t “lucky” we aren’t “strange” we just work hard and keep moving forward.
Hi Kristin.
Glad things are easy for you too! LOL. The harder we work, the easier it gets. It starts with respect for the other parent and owning your own issues.
I started dating my ex when I was 15. Our relationship had simply run it’s course. It helps that he’s a good guy and a great dad. The weird pressure that I feel is in response to “if he’s so great, they why aren’t you still married?”, which is code for “what’s the real scoop”, or “If it’s not him, whats wrong with you”, or “couldn’t you have avoided putting the kids through a divorce?”.
The other guilt that I have is moving on. My ex would have stayed together forever, but had the grace to let me go. I’ve since remarried and he’s welcomed my new husband into our extended family unit. It’s weird, but I’m hoping he’ll marry his current girlfriend. If she’s not a keeper, I don’t think that there’s going to be one. I know that I’m not actually on a hook, but sometimes it feels like that would ease things a bit more.
I also want to echo that I don’t want anyone to feel bad that they can’t make things work out. There’s no guarantees in life, and frankly, it takes two to tango. My husband’s ex will never have peace in her life. It’s just who she is. We have mutual friends, and it sounds like it’s who she’s always been. I’m pretty sure that it’s a mix of some sort of mental illness, alcohol, and plain old life. We will never be able to be at a party with her or hold a joint birthday party for their son. Some times a tall fence is a good thing.