Why Lovers Are Just What the Doctor Ordered

Lovers. I adore the word. It’s so much sexier than boyfriends or girlfriends, and it implies the yummiest of activities, and a dash of romance.

After a long, unpleasant divorce – especially after a lonely marriage – taking a lover (or even two) is just what the doctor ordered!

Now I know the traditionalists among you may balk at such an idea. You want “love” before sex, and you want the comfort of feeling as though you are a twosome.

Fine.

But some of us – however loyal when in relationships (or married) – want, no… make that need – to explore sexually. And, we need to feel that special, sensual part of ourselves coming to life, especially if dulled or neglected during marriage. 

And isn’t this exactly what most men do – and long before the ink is dry on the separation agreement?

Naturally, that’s not why I’m proposing this potential path. I’m not proposing anything really. I am clearly stating what many women do (and likely should do), although the double standard remains, as women are more likely to be judged than men for engaging in casual sex.

The sexual double standard is alive and well – let’s not pretend otherwise.

Besides, if you’ve spent years with one partner – or years without carnal knowledge of anything more than a bowl of Hagan Daz on a regular basis – what better way to remind you who you are as a woman – than taking a lover?

I might even go so far as to suggest that a “lover” is not the same as a friend with benefits. Nor is a lover a partner with whom you engage in casual sex, but rather:

• One with whom your relationship involves romance and sex
• One who adores romance and sex
• One who makes no pretense of the need for a long-term future
• One who makes you feel adored – and reminds you that you’re worth it

Doesn’t all that sound great? It certainly does to me.

Although I didn’t begin dating until some three years after my husband left – my children needed me, and I had a lot of work on myself to accomplish – when I did get out there, I wasn’t looking for anything serious. In fact, I didn’t know that I was “looking” at all. I wanted to venture a toe in the waters to see if my days of kindling a little desire were done.

I fervently hoped they weren’t. 

While I went on many coffee dates, often with very nice men, “chemistry” can be elusive. I became friendly with one or two, who cheerfully talked about all the women they screwed. (Their lack of discretion convinced me I didn’t want to sleep with them!) It was eye-opening to realize that so many divorced men in their 40s and 50s (with kids) were “getting it” on such a regular basis!

And then one coffee date yielded an interesting, seductive potential partner – for the occasional lunchtime rencontre or a weekend rendez-vous if my children were away. He was romantic, attentive, funny, and adored women. Naturally we were responsible and safe, and he was just what the doctor ordered to remind me that I could find that part of myself again.

Our month together was delicious. A renewal. A reawakening.

A year later, there was another lover – during a particularly rough post-divorce period. He wrote me gorgeous letters (a plus), we indulged in exquisite conversation, and everything about him – about us – was sultry, sexy, and just plain fun. (I still hear from him occasionally, and I always smile when I do.)

And if you can’t take a lover for practical purposes – whatever they may be – why not indulge in a little erotic fantasy?

I recall a long-time divorced mother I knew – about 10 years younger than I am – who took a “lover” two or three times a year. I began to understand how (and why) she glowed during those periods. She was also in a challenging situation with an uncooperative ex. In the years after my own divorce, I understood better why these (delicious) relationships not only suited her, but were compatible with her domestic situation. 

Eventually – though her children were much older by then – she remarried, when it felt right to her and suited her family configuration at the time. And naturally, when I found myself stumbling into the delights of a committed, loving relationship, that was another matter…

But that prescription for a lover – in the classic (and delectable) sense of the word? The marvelous effects of feeling so adored?

I highly recommend this for those who don’t need “love” to enjoy a vital, sexual, playful side to their feminine selves that is thoroughly satisfying, and so full of pleasure.

 

Related Links

• Dating (Sexual) Double Standards: It Takes Two to Tango

• The Life I Do Not Lead

• Relationship Problems or Problem Relationship?

• French Sex vs. Proper Parenting